Out Of Order

And I'm so done with it So for these past few days, I have been so out of it due to, yep, my good ole pal, PMDD. I was in bed all day yesterday and missed church, which is why I didn't post. I had panic attacks, which I didn't realize were panic attacks until today, I found it so hard to function and do things. I felt sick and was in so much pain all day yesterday and could not sleep restfully at all. I kept awakening with pain and just plain discomfort. I'm so tired of it. I even missed three (four including today) days of working on my book!! Gah!! I often wonder how I am really supposed to be a famous and successful author when this horrible monster interrupts way too much. How am I supposed to function in life and have a normal job and be a consistent worker when I may have to take days off to deal with the aforementioned beast? It's definitely frustrating but I am trusting God that what I'm going through can not hinder what He has for me . It is very...

Why I need my eating disorder Yuck, I am disgusted at that. I literally want to go scrub my tongue or something. Ugh. The other day, I was asked if I want prayer for this struggle. I was honest and shook my head no. I was then asked if I want to get better. I responded with, "I don't wanna eat a whole bunch of food again." An easy cover up of the true reasons behind my "no".  As has been discussed throughout this blog, weight is not the only culprit. In fact, I wish it were. I truly wish that I had just been consumed with only my weight and that everything else in my life had been perfect. I wish that I had only wanted to lose a few pounds so I decided that skipping a few meals or purging would be an easy fix. I wish that's all that it ever was. But it wasn't and wishes are for fairy tales. Anorexia starves away emotions too difficult to deal with. Or perceived as too difficult too deal with. It keeps my head above water when the tides are eve...

The one about PMDD ** I'm in a rambling mood so please bare with me if this post is ridiculously long or just plain unintelligible. Also, please check out the links I will have listed at the very bottom for more info on PMDD, especially if you think you or a loved one may have it. The sites are very insightful ... Sorry about that.** Since I missed work today because of it, I figured this would be a great time to shed some light on this monster. PMDD stands for Pre menstrual dysphoric disorder or as some of us women refer to it, Pure Insanity. It has a tendency to resemble Bi-Polar disorder and can often go misdiagnosed although, if you think you may have either or both of these illnesses, please talk to someone you trust about it and reach out to a professional. PMS on steroids is how some sites explaining the disorder describe it. PMDD is a mental illness affecting about 8-10% of women around or during their menstrual cycles. It is not a simple case of PMS. I...