Out Of Order

  What's your story You ever have those days where things just start off wrong? ... So today, I get up and I'm rushing because I stayed in my bed for a bit after my alarm, that I didn't set early enough anyway, went off. I was rushing to make my breakfast and at one point spilled all of my forks out of where I keep them in the cabinet and onto the floor. I also had to run back upstairs to grab something that I had forgotten just as I was about to walk out the door. Throughout all of this, I'm telling myself to relax and reminding myself not to give my peace away to the aggravation anger I was feeling. To be honest, I awakened quite upset/grumpy. I leave the house with breakfast in hand and get into the car. As I'm driving to my Tang Soo Do class, I begin to pray and ask the Lord for help with this anger that's just so heavy (I think that's the word). I kid you not, as I'm asking for peace and telling the Lord that I give the anger to Him, right as ...

It’s about the journey to the belt” This was in response to me asking my TSD instructor last Wednesday about skipping a belt for my next test. He explained that he doesn’t skip people through ranks because it’s not just about the belt. It’s amazing how much I learn from my training and classes and how my TSD experience parallels my recovery journey. I have a tendency to demand perfection of myself— working on doing it less, though. That means that if something is possible, then it needs to be possible for me and I must achieve   it. And all I needed to see in my training manual was that it’s possible to skip ranks from 9th gup and go straight to 7th gup if one was an exceptional enough student. Well, that became a new goal, briefly. I needed to be exceptional. I needed to go straight from 9th to 7th; just hurry up and get there. Thankfully, that’s not something my sah bum nim (instructor) does because it definitely could’ve changed my motivation for Tang Soo Do. Of cours...

Literally never tasted this good Wow, I have never been in a better place in my life... So I've been out of treatment since early February and since then, things have been really interesting. Long story short, money for insurance was what ended my treatment. It was an abrupt finish and since I was no longer going to be in treatment, I could no longer be housed by the facility. I had no idea where I was going to live or what I was going to do. One thing, well two things, I could be certain of was that the Lord would provide for me and that ed behaviors could not be an option to cope. Don't misunderstand, I was stressed and fighting worry. I hadn't dealt with this type of unknown without using ed behaviors so this upset caused by one of my greatest fears (being evicted/kicked out/sudden relocation) was crushing. It was foreign, as last time I was homeless, I was heavily in the ed. I did not realize just how much anorexia kept me from feeling overwhelmed and unsafe unt...

What's good I was talking to my "house mom" tonight and she let me know she had been concerned about me lately. She noticed my demeanor and how it's been down recently and offered great advice. She told me to "take off the garment of heaviness for the garment of praise". But how does one do that? Spending time in the Lord's presence definitely helps and the Word of God tells us that He inhabits the praises of His people. In addition to resting in the Lord, she suggested I make a list of some things that He has already done for me. It's a practice of mine to remind myself of God's previous goodness in my life during times when I may be struggling and even though I'm not really struggling to believe in God's faithfulness right now, I still think it would be helpful to do. The Bible tells us to think on those things that are good and lovely and true and just. What equals that more than the demonstrations of God's goodness in our liv...

One last NEDAW original poem I know I'm a few days late but I wanted to post this poem to end off Neda awareness week. I really hope this captures the frustration, competition, desperation, and misery that comes along with an ED. There is nothing fun about being ill with one and while weight should not be the focal point of an ED, this poem speaks on weight insecurities. For me, this is what having an ED feels like, this is what it feels like being the weight I am now and saying I "have an ED". EDs are not fun or something one does because they have or lack self control. They aren't something you try for a while then change your mind about. They are complex mental disorders and they wreak havoc and create/maintain chaos in our lives while promising to ease it. And many of us who have them know this, yet we are unable to stop... without help of some sort. If you find that you relate to any of these poems, please reach out and get help. Recovery is real and possibl...

  My contribution to NEDA week I have skipped a few weeks of writing because I have been lacking serious motivation and have just been feeling an overall sense of "sucky". February 26-March 4 is the national eating disorder awareness week and I had originally planned on writing a few posts based on what an ed feels like and how the illness affects the loved ones of those with it in honor of it but like I said, no motivation. Tonight though, I was able to muster up some energy and decided to just post a few new original poems-- one for everyday of NEDAW-- depicting the chaos that an eating disorder can create. If you or a loved one are struggling with an eating disorder or think you may be, please reach out for help-- the NEDA website  is a great place for resources and help. Please know that eds are not a "lifestyle" or diet or lack of self control or will power. Please also know that you don't have to stay sick and that while you didn't choose to get...

Hmm I'm not sure what's been going on with me lately, I've been feeling very bogged down and dry(?). I want to start off with a welcoming, " Happy February everyone!" but I feel that would be a bit fake, as I'm not feeling that cheery. I'm thinking over one of my recent posts about choosing recovery and wanting treatment. It's so funny how quickly the desire to live without an ed is pushed in the far parts of your mind, almost as if you never even had the newfound desire. My mind has been very obsessed lately with numbers: calories burned and calories consumed, weight loss and (seemingly continually) gained. It's tiring, exhausting. Admittedly, I've been feeling alone and very frustrated with myself. I've been doing a lot of comparing of myself and others and it's challenging to remember what God says about me. Maybe it's not so challenging to remember, rather, it's challenging to believe. But that's all a part of th...

Happy New Year!! So let's talk about resolutions... Now is the time when everyone is making tons of resolutions to improve their lives and be better versions of themselves. Some are quitting smoking and other addictions, while others are focusing on their diets and have resolved to drop a few pounds. What if we make some resolutions that have nothing to do with our bodies (unless you think you can make some to encourage being happy with yours)? The following resolutions of mine are not to suggest that I did a horrible job in these areas last year but there is always room for improvement, right? To pray for others more (specifically my co workers)- It dawned on me that I haven't spent anytime in prayer for my coworkers and being that I'm in their lives on a daily basis, that's not okay for me. This is a resolution I'm going to put into practice immediately. To go deeper in God- This one is obvious To increase my writing- I have set a writing goal of at lea...

What gift can I bring to the King First off, Merry Christmas everyone!!! Yay!! Yes!! Woo!!  Yesterday my church (C3 Church) had an amazing service for Christmas Eve. There was caroling and amazing worship and a great message about offering our gifts to God. And that's such a needed word for us. What is your gift? What is that thing that you can offer to Jesus? The wise men came to the newborn Jesus and presented different gifts to Him. They didn't all bring the same thing but gave what they had. What can you give to Jesus today in honor of His birth and the Ultimate Gift which He has given, Himself? God has given all of us gifts and abilities which we can use to honor Him and bring His name glory. For instance, I have been blessed with an incredible ability to write and create stories and worlds using words. Whether it's in my songs or books, I use this gift to bring God praise, I give this talent back to the King. This is what God has given me and I don't have to ...

Keeping my trust in the right place I was pulled into my boss' office after work today and after we had chit chatted a bit (she's such a chill boss), we got down to business. Before I go on to share what came next, let me back up some. So lately I have been... concerned with how I am going to afford saving money and pay rent as well as other expenses. I haven't been too worried about it but it is a genuine concern. I don't want to get another job because I really like this one but I was a little frustrated with the amount I was bringing in every other week. I applied for another position within this same company but I was unqualified for it. It stung a bit but I agreed with decision. But how am I going to save now? That new position started at a way higher wage and would be perfect. I talked to my mom about how I felt and she encouraged me as only she could. Since then, I've been in an off and on restful place concerning having enough money for needs and wants...

I'm not talking about the holiday I try to maintain a thankful heart throughout the year and I work on maintaining an attitude of everday gratitude .  Being thankful, particularly to God, is declaring over the enemy the goodness of God and reminding myself of the goodness of God in my life. I'm thankful for so much and have been blessed with so much this year. Using my words to thank God keeps His kindness fresh in my mind so that on the days when it looks like nothing is going right, I can remind myself that, "Hey, remember this, God did this for you." "Remember that, God made a way." Be purposeful in meditating on all that you know that God has done for you. And express it. Talk about it, speak about it to others and especially yourself. I'm remembering the scripture which mentions how we overcome  by "... The word of our testimony." When things get tough, remind yourself of what God has done for you and thank Him for it. And don't w...

Why wait till January 1st So I've been self harm free for a couple months now ( YES!! ) and I really want to keep it that way. I haven't intentionally cut myself in so long (again,  YES!! ) and have definitely had some moments where I could have. Some of my resisting may have a bit to do with an increase in other symptoms... but ... There is a big part of me that truly does not want to do that anymore. And that's what I want to focus on. I have decided to intentionally (continue to) not engage in any type of cutting behaviors for the remainder of this year. That is my resolution and I'm excited about it! I know a lot of times we will save our resolutions for the new year, I guess so we can get "one last taste" of whatever it is. But if you're really ready for and serious about change, why wait? Just go for it, put everything you have into it. Let's do this! I encourage you to consider something that you're really ready to give up and just r...

The fight I was texting a beautiful friend this morning and at one point in our conversation, she told me she just didn't want to live anymore. She shared that she feels like this all the time, just in different degrees. Another beautiful friend of mine has also shared with me that her depression makes her feel the same way. I remember feeling this exact same way last year and years prior. It is so rough feeling this, every single day. And so I cried this morning. I wept for my friends and because of what they're going through right now. I want to cry now even as I type this because... It hurts so much. The pain of awakening everyday with a desire to no longer exist is so deep and radiating.  November 19 is Suicide Loss Survivor's Day where the loved ones of those who have died by suicide can find support and empathy among those who can relate. My heart hurts so much because I came too close to being one of those loss survivors and I came close to making ...

Sun stand still What does the word 'faith' mean to you? As a Christian, faith is placing my entire belief and trust in Jesus the Christ, not just for salvation but for my life. For everything. **Faith is the substance of things not yet seen and is the evidence of things hoped for . Faith is what we hold onto even when our circumstances seem very contrary to those hopes. When I first decided to move to Cali, it was all based in faith that Jesus had plans for me out here. I had no idea where I'd be staying, had no reliable transportation of my own, no job set up. I just had faith. Faith and a boldness to go. California has always been my dream state and in July, I decided I would just go in faith despite all of the unknowns. Obviously, my personality is not one that is in favor of "unknowns" but this unknown was okay with me because I knew that Jesus knew. I left PA and moved to California unprepared and without knowing where my next step would lead. But, ...

Suicide Prevention Month Today is the first day of Suicide Prevention Month. This is so important to me because it can be so easy to pass by someone who is hurting and not even notice their pain because they hide it so well. The picture of me above is from 2014 (if I recall correctly), Christmas time. Something that everyone knows about me is that I love Christmas and it is the happiest time for me. And that's what you'd get from looking at this picture. You'd see how I was very thorough in making sure that I was dressed in accordance with the holiday, even down to a jingle bell ring on my finger out of picture. What you wouldn't see is the evidence of the tears I shed moments after having taken the pic. You wouldn't see the gripping pain that accompanied me out of the bathroom and downstairs to where my mom and sis waited. And you wouldn't guess that I wanted nothing more than to be done with life. Nope, you'd see a happy, excited and ready-for-Christ...

    Venturing Out These past few months have been very busy and tiring. Not really tiring in a bad way, tiring due to my job and my own physical stamina. I went on a retreat in April with a friend and their church and it was amazingly refreshing! I had a lot of prophetic word spoken over me and a lot of confirming words. I left feeling a renewed sense of empowerment with God's strength and boldness and power. I had such a great time! Thank you for inviting me Stephanie!! Also, I spoke with a publishing company in May for one of many books on which I've been working. He gave me a lot of information and suggested I call back in this month so we can move forward from there. That is beyond exciting for me! I've been working on this book since 2012 and I've always considered writing to be my main job, my career and now that I've actually been in touch with a publishing house, I can see the reality of my faith filled words from long ago. God is doing so muc...

This is what it looks like I am currently driving down what we call "recovery road" and it is bumpy, to say the least. This is the hardest thing I've ever endeavored to do and it is way harder than having an eating disorder. My eating disorder, however painful and exhausting, is cozy and comforting-- falsely, I know. Recovery involves change and adapting new ideas and new coping skills. It involves discomfort and second guesses, lapses and possible relapses, frustration and annoyance. It's being excited for the freedom to eat a fear food but then regretting the excitement. It's also enjoying the company of those whom I'm around due to not fretting over every single food on the table. But my gosh, it's a grueling process. Something that really encourages me to keep driving is keeping before me the fact that there are others who are also fighting for their lives and enduring recovery or treatment. To be specific, last week I found out that the brothe...

It can start with us Today marks the first day ever of the World Eating Disorders Action Day! I am so hyped over this because it is so needed! I've mentioned before how eating disorders are shrouded in stigma but that's not even the worst part. Often times, those who struggle with eating disorders are denied treatment because they're deemed "not sick enough" ( by their insurance company )   or are discharged early ( again, thanks insurance companies ) because they are "weight restored". Excuse me for a moment while I go pull out my soapbox... It disgusts me that despite what therapists and counselors try to tell us about not defining ourselves by our ed and about seeking treatment early, we still have to be at a certain level of "sick" in the eyes of our insurance companies before we can be granted a life saving treatment. My head is shaven right now but if my hair were longer, I'd be pulling it out. It enrages me that we are made t...