Out Of Order

One last NEDAW original poem I know I'm a few days late but I wanted to post this poem to end off Neda awareness week. I really hope this captures the frustration, competition, desperation, and misery that comes along with an ED. There is nothing fun about being ill with one and while weight should not be the focal point of an ED, this poem speaks on weight insecurities. For me, this is what having an ED feels like, this is what it feels like being the weight I am now and saying I "have an ED". EDs are not fun or something one does because they have or lack self control. They aren't something you try for a while then change your mind about. They are complex mental disorders and they wreak havoc and create/maintain chaos in our lives while promising to ease it. And many of us who have them know this, yet we are unable to stop... without help of some sort. If you find that you relate to any of these poems, please reach out and get help. Recovery is real and possibl...

Never About ... Possibly triggering... It was never about trying to be Barbie's bff or about getting the attraction of Ken. I never wanted to appear like the malnourished looking models that "grace" our magazines or be as thin as the mannequins that modeled their fashion. But I have wanted the infamous thigh gap , just waaaay before those two words were ever used together. Way before it seemed to be a "trend". I never even called it that as I fantasized about having tinier thighs. I just remember looking at myself as a child and hating what I saw. I hated the way my legs touched. I wanted so much for them to be apart, so as to allow a small glimmer of light to shine between them when I stood or sat. I just wanted to be able to slip my hand between them easily without feeling their flesh brushing against my fingers. It was never about looking like those around me, but about strength. I had to be fit and toned and  strong. Everything on me needed to be pe...

Navigating through the labyrinth September 25th is a day that really sticks out for me this year. It was the first day of my treatment at the Renfrew residential facility in 2015. I spent a month there and walked away with... What did I walk away with? I feel as though I am supposed to have a plethora of feel good lessons I've learned along the way. After all, it's been a year. Well, I don't. I mean, I know how to exercise self care now and definitely make sure I'm getting it. My mood is a LOT more stable and the depression has gone waaaaaaay down. I've learned that it's okay for good things to happen to me and when they do, I enjoy the moment/s. I understand that I have boundaries and that I have a right (and responsibility) to use them. I know that I am deeply loved by my family and it's not something I doubt. But... I'm gathering my thoughts here because they seem to be scattered all around in my mind. They're hiding around up there and my s...

Let's Stop Ever since I first moved to PA, I have encountered racism and prejudice. I have been stared at as if I were from another planet, I have experienced "shopping while black"-- being followed around a store upon entry due to the fact that the workers considered me as suspicious looking and as if I was going to steal something based on my skin's pigmentation-- I have been called a nigger behind my back by former co workers... I could go on. Something that I absolutely hate and refuse to remain silent about is when someone uses the term "the race card". I am not saying that there are not some people who may use the color of their skin as the reason for everything wrong in their lives. Sometimes bad things just happen regardless of what we look like. However, when a brown person experiences prejudice or a disadvantage and the reason is obviously racially motivated, please don't attribute it to, " Oh, they're just playing the race card. ...

  Jesus is alive Hallelujah! The best news I have ever heard! How Satan must have felt when he realized that what he meant for evil, God turned around for good. Jesus defeated death and the grave when He rose and because of that, we have victory. We have freedom! So often, we followers focus so much on the death of our Savior but we neglect His rising from the dead. And that is the most important thing, that is what differentiates our God, our King, from religion-- shout out to my mother. She's right, religions have their heroes and leaders but none have a Savior. None have a God Who not only died for them but rose again  and defeated death and hell. Oh death, where is your sting? Oh hell, where is your victory? Our God is alive and alive forever and He came so that we might also have life and have it more abundantly. But the only way to truly have life, spiritually speaking, is through Jesus. That is it. It is not a popular concept in today's society th...