Out Of Order

Sun stand still What does the word 'faith' mean to you? As a Christian, faith is placing my entire belief and trust in Jesus the Christ, not just for salvation but for my life. For everything. **Faith is the substance of things not yet seen and is the evidence of things hoped for . Faith is what we hold onto even when our circumstances seem very contrary to those hopes. When I first decided to move to Cali, it was all based in faith that Jesus had plans for me out here. I had no idea where I'd be staying, had no reliable transportation of my own, no job set up. I just had faith. Faith and a boldness to go. California has always been my dream state and in July, I decided I would just go in faith despite all of the unknowns. Obviously, my personality is not one that is in favor of "unknowns" but this unknown was okay with me because I knew that Jesus knew. I left PA and moved to California unprepared and without knowing where my next step would lead. But, ...

Where Do I Begin? I am here... I am actually here!! I made it to California, the place where dreams come true!! So, as some of you know, I left Pennsylvania on July 9th 2016 with a dream, faith and God-given talent. It has been an adventure since. When I first got out here, I did a lot of hotel hopping. The rates seemed to go up every night. I was still looking for a live-in nanny position, as I had been before I left. This journey of mine has lead me to small hotels, a night on the street, weeks in a mansion, to where I am now. As I write this, I sit at a wicker table on the deck of a woman with whom I share an adorable apartment. There is a beautiful view in front of me and the sun beams warmly on my skin. I love this. I was born for this state and the serenity here is amazing. I have met very cool people and an amazing family took me in and helped me to get back on my feet, they are the ones with the mansion. I was their live-in housekeeper/organizer. I got close to them and...

By God I have found myself so enveloped by the goodness of God lately. He's just so good to me and His love is truly relentless. I do not have a story of some amazing thing that happened to me recently which inspired this post. God is just amazing and He doesn't always need to do something for me to recognize that. Sometimes He just overwhelms me with Himself and it's not because of anything I've done. It disrupts my anxiety and overpowers my mind. This is probably one of the shortest, if not the shortest, posts I've written. I just felt that this needed to be said. Because in the midst of my craziness, I can still be overwhelmed by God and it has nothing to do with me. I could scream because of His greatness. Gaaah!!  He is awesome.  

But which way do I go Let me start by sharing my immense excitement over this past week. So, per the request of my Pastors, I was invited to share an original poem this past Sunday. I was so excited to do so and God gave me one that same week, the night I was asked, I think. Our series is called God is in This  (which you can hear via podcast by pressing on it), and it chronicles Joseph's life as he went from being a favorite child to being a prisoner to being a ruler. The message on Sunday was amazing and I was so honored to have been able to share my poem, entitled Providence . You see, the series is all about how God was with Joseph throughout every instance in his life and how He still worked things out for his good. And that's what He does in our lives. He provides for us even during the storms. And I was extremely happy to be able to write a poem which could relate to our theme of God's provision. It was amazing sharing it and I finally felt like I belonged in a ...

Sometimes it stings One of my favorite movies is Good Will Hunting because c'mon, who doesn't like that movie? Robin Williams and Matt Damon were outstanding; it is a beautifully written film! If you've seen it, I'm sure you remember that scene in which Robin's character, Sean, was repeating to Will that "it wasn't his fault" and how the more Will heard it, the more he began to pull away until eventually, he broke down in the doctor's arms. Here's a refresher (and some tissues) just in case... Oh, wow. This right here. I can identify with this so much. As desperate as Will was to hear that all the years of abuse he suffered at his father's hands was not his fault, when he finally heard it, it was too much. It hurt to hear. That's what my interpretation of this scene is anyway. How many of us are so desperate for love that when we finally get it, we pull away? Isn't the mind and how it works incredible? This is where I am, wit...

Who is He God, if you help me out of this situation, I'll go to church. I promise I'll straighten up my life. Have you ever prayed a prayer like that? One that comes from desperation? Lot's of us have, when life get's overwhelming and we feel that our backs are against the wall, we'll do anything to get out of it. And often times, that anything includes making promises that we either can't keep or simply have no intentions on keeping. Or "forget" about keeping. One reason that I believe people tend to stay away from God or the concept of Him is because of their expectations of Him and Who He is. Before we get into Who He is, let's go over Who He isn't. God is not a genie or wizard, He is not a spell or fairy dust that we add to our lives to make them pain proof. And that's where a lot of the disgust towards God comes from. A lot of arguments between Christ followers and non followers usually involve the NF (I'm abbreviating non...

Simply Put... You do need Jesus, we all do. Call me whatever you want but there are only two types of people in the world: those who have Jesus and those who don't . The Bible reads in 2 Peter 3:9, that God is not willing that any should perish but that all would come to repentance. Repentance means change and the only way we can truly change is to place our life in the hands and care of the One Who created us. Now, obviously, not everyone is going to place their lives and belief in God but you  can decide whether or not you want to be one who does. God's Spirit will and does draw us to Him and He places the desire or rather,  awakens the desire within us to come to Him. It is up to us to either accept or reject what is at the root of that desire. Jesus. You have to give up whatever is keeping you from giving your whole self to God. That hindrance may be pride or fear or arrogance or simple ignorance and a misunderstanding of Who God really is or any number of thing. ...

Honestly, I didn't know He was missing It irks me when people say that they "found Christ". I know exactly what they are implying but it's being phrased all wrong. Jesus is not lost, we are.  He is seeking  us and when we come to Him, it's because He found us, not the other way around. I was talking with a good friend of mine tonight and was trying to explain to him that although God is seeking us, He is not unaware of our whereabouts, our positions. He knows where we are but He wants us to choose Him out of a free will, not out of force. He will of course, tug at our hearts and draw us close to Him, but He will not make us accept Him. If we choose another route, He will not force us to make another turn or scream that we are going the wrong way. A comedian explained it like this: when using a navigational system and following it according to its prompts, we will get to where we need to be. But when we start to deviate from those directions, it redirects...

Not Always the Most Wonderful Time of the Year... So I know in a previous post I mentioned how this time of the year is my all time favorite. I talked about the wonders of Christmas and how joyous it is for me. I do realize, however, that not everyone feels this same way. For a lot, the Christmas season brings about heavy depression and sadness. Whether due to bad memories or family conflicts and fighting or the stress and anxiety which comes from prepping for the big day, for so many, this holiday is just too much to handle. And if you're struggling with mental illness on top of this, it can be especially painful. People mean well (sometimes) when they tell others who are depressed to "cheer up" or "be positive" and the like but depression does not just go away by thinking about sunshine and rainbows. In my life with depression, "cheering up" was just not an option. Not only that but I was completely void of positivity and felt that the life ...

Today was a rough day. It was very difficult getting out of bed this morning. I felt sluggish and lethargic and had no desire to face the world. Not only was I not feeling well physically, but mentally I was spent. There were times where I felt my mind was spinning a bit and every movement took tremendous effort. I was exhausted before I even began. I stayed in my room for most of the day trying to rest and listening to Christmas music. I usually keep the station on 90.7 and during Christmas time, a mixture of both Christmas and Christ centered music is played. It seemed as though every song that was not about jingle bells and Frosty was about God's grace. One of my favorite songs by Big Daddy Weave called My Story has such an impact on me every time I hear it. The chorus is what touches me the most, "if I should speak, then let it be of the grace that is greater than all my sin ...". It just brings me in remembrance of God's amazing grace and how no matter wha...

... I am not perfect. This is a personal declaration to myself. I am not perfect. Obviously, because I'm human but that simple statement is so hard for me to accept. I don't think that I'm perfect and unlike Beyoncé's over inflated self esteem, I know I'm not flawless. In fact, if I were to post a picture of how I look when I wake up, I'm sure that some of the traffic to this blog would decrease. The reason this is such a hated concept for me is because of my desire to be perfect. Not better-than-everyone-else perfect but good enough perfect. I've always had a problem with not feeling good enough and accepting myself the way that I am. I'm not good enough as a sister, as a daughter, as a Christian. I'm not good enough to be successful or to even write this blog. I am not good enough. And if I am not good enough for myself, well, who will I ever be good enough for? God. Ah, of course. I know that through and through (or maybe not as thoroug...