Out Of Order

May 3, 2017 An original poem inspired by a typically difficult eating experience that I got through with the much appreciated help of friends. I did something without you today Well, you were still there, I guess, in a way But maybe the hunger helped silence your voice Helped silence the demands you disguised as my choice And I don't mean hunger for food or for drink But something much deeper than what one would think Something like  freedom to pick and to choose To settle on something without your abuse But I know you're still there, lurking around Waiting for all of this soon to go down For now though, the voice of support's in my ear Cheering me on and fighting the fear "You'll regret it" , you say And I know this is true But today, at least, I did something without you Will it happen again? That I don't know Do I even want it to? Only time will show

Despite the fear of moving forward Let me start with honesty. Depression. It sucks and it's been creeping back over me and despite how much I've tried to ignore it, I can't. I've been lax with writing here lately because not only have I not had motivation, I've had no energy. I had no encouraging things to say. The last post about self care took a lot but thankfully, the words came together. And now I'm here, trying to mentally prepare ( read: mentally avoid ) for what is likely to be at least a six month stay in another treatment facility. What am I thinking? I have begun the daunting task of  seriously looking for an ed center and it seems that I will be admitted into a place called Mercy Multiplied very soon-- I have a phone intake session tomorrow morning so yeah. Needless to say, I'm very freaked out . Scared . Terrified. Yeah, that's it. I'm terrified. And it's not the idea of treatment that terrifies me. I was nervous about treatment ...

In three more months... I will have been in California for an entire year! I can't believe it and it feels like time is going by so quickly. So last month, I started going to a writing and critique group and it was great. I had been wanting to go to a group like that for a while but I didn't want to spend too much money since I'm saving for my own place. Well, the Lord, Who is just constantly watching over me, knew my desire to better my craft. I was at the library last month and saw a flyer for a writer's group in a location not too far from me. And it didn't cost too much... it was free! Obviously, I wasn't going to pass this opportunity up and last Monday was my first time attending. The feedback I got was great and it helped me so much with the writer's block I had been experiencing. I can't wait to go back and watch how my writing matures! If I can encourage anyone today, go do something new! Maybe it's a self care thing that you've n...