Out Of Order

God is love It's late and I have so much energy and I haven't written in a couple of weeks and really want to encourage someone. I'm not sure who this may be for but I feel it's for someone. Tonight, I was at the connect group my house mates host and I was talking with a new friend I made there. She was sharing her story and mentioned how she realized that God was patiently waiting for her to step out and trust Him in an endeavor. Part of what she said really struck me. She said God was patiently waiting for her. God is so patient with us, guys. And that's so beautiful to me. I know I have spoken on how sometimes God will move only after we've taken that step of faith forward and I was reminded of this fact through my friend's words. The Lord is so patient with us. He knows where we are going and what He has destined for us yet He is not in a rush for us to get there. Sometimes, we are the ones in a rush and we tackle too many things at once and get b...

Be hope. Be hospitable. Cinnamon boiling on the stove. The succulent aroma of homemade sweet potato pie. Carols playing throughout the house. This is Christmas to me. My Christmas this year is going to be very different now that I'm away from my family. I'm going to have to do some major adjusting to what will be my very first Christmas (and birthday) without my mom and sister present. While it's going to be very different, thankfully I'm not going to be alone for this beautiful holiday. I'll be celebrating with the warm and lovely people with whom I share a house. I have been very blessed and am very grateful to have housemates who practice hospitality. That brings me to the amazing message at church this morning. It wasn't too deep nor was it full of hard to understand Biblical jargon. It was easy to get and put into practice. The message was about hospitality. Christmastime is a time where others so often open their homes to friends and family and maybe...

Navigating through the labyrinth September 25th is a day that really sticks out for me this year. It was the first day of my treatment at the Renfrew residential facility in 2015. I spent a month there and walked away with... What did I walk away with? I feel as though I am supposed to have a plethora of feel good lessons I've learned along the way. After all, it's been a year. Well, I don't. I mean, I know how to exercise self care now and definitely make sure I'm getting it. My mood is a LOT more stable and the depression has gone waaaaaaay down. I've learned that it's okay for good things to happen to me and when they do, I enjoy the moment/s. I understand that I have boundaries and that I have a right (and responsibility) to use them. I know that I am deeply loved by my family and it's not something I doubt. But... I'm gathering my thoughts here because they seem to be scattered all around in my mind. They're hiding around up there and my s...

Let's Stop Ever since I first moved to PA, I have encountered racism and prejudice. I have been stared at as if I were from another planet, I have experienced "shopping while black"-- being followed around a store upon entry due to the fact that the workers considered me as suspicious looking and as if I was going to steal something based on my skin's pigmentation-- I have been called a nigger behind my back by former co workers... I could go on. Something that I absolutely hate and refuse to remain silent about is when someone uses the term "the race card". I am not saying that there are not some people who may use the color of their skin as the reason for everything wrong in their lives. Sometimes bad things just happen regardless of what we look like. However, when a brown person experiences prejudice or a disadvantage and the reason is obviously racially motivated, please don't attribute it to, " Oh, they're just playing the race card. ...

Honesty This one reads more like a journal entry. I wrote the following on my phone almost a month ago and it's still pretty true. June 23, 2016 I still feel disgusting and disgusted with myself even though I'm eating more willingly now. It's coming from inside me, the disgust, and I can no longer project it onto my weight. Because I want my plumpness back, I have to eat a lot but at the same time I'm worried about getting too big and losing control due to what has always been my insatiable appetite. I hate this. And I feel self hatred. And when I'm trying too hard to be perfect is when I feel the most insecure and worthless and unloved. The more perfection I display, the more likely it is that something is going on that is overwhelming. Or just simply being overlooked. ... Back to the Present So that's how I was feeling and I'm still feeling some of that. But I'm also feeling confused about my eating and this whole process. I have no enc...

Closer than ever before Ever In my Life So wow... Where do I begin? Throughout my journey, Jesus has been getting up close and personal with me in gentleness and tenderness. And this is the closest I have ever felt Him walk with me! I know that we are getting closer together and that my relationship with Him is growing in a way I've never experienced before. How to explain it... It is not I who am going after Him but He is coming after me. That's not to say that I am no longer desirous of Him or His presence or that I've stopped longing for Him. But He is... drawing near to me. I don't know how else to put it but that's what the Bible says. If we draw near to God, He will draw near to us . In my younger years of walking with Jesus, I spent my time studying the Word and praying and really building a foundation of fellowship with Him. And I was in hot pursuit. While I still am, something is different. He is the one pursuing me now. That's not to imply that...

A rough but necessary process Did you know that if a baby bird's egg is broken open for it by outsiders during the hatching process, the bird will not survive? I didn't know that but it totally makes sense why. The reason is because it would not have learned how to use its own strength and will not be strong enough to survive on the outside. It may seem harsh to leave a struggling baby bird alone but to "help" it would really only be killing it. (Hmm, I think a post on boundaries will be coming soon)... Who of us, back when we were learning to ride a bike, had our parents ride it for us? None of us. Of course, they helped us and taught us but they couldn't do the work for us. When we fell and scraped our knees and elbows, they helped us get up and back on the bikes. They made sure we were all right but they allowed us to fall again if it meant learning a new and useful and even fun skill. I think that's the season where I may be now. Hatching out of the e...

  Jesus is alive Hallelujah! The best news I have ever heard! How Satan must have felt when he realized that what he meant for evil, God turned around for good. Jesus defeated death and the grave when He rose and because of that, we have victory. We have freedom! So often, we followers focus so much on the death of our Savior but we neglect His rising from the dead. And that is the most important thing, that is what differentiates our God, our King, from religion-- shout out to my mother. She's right, religions have their heroes and leaders but none have a Savior. None have a God Who not only died for them but rose again  and defeated death and hell. Oh death, where is your sting? Oh hell, where is your victory? Our God is alive and alive forever and He came so that we might also have life and have it more abundantly. But the only way to truly have life, spiritually speaking, is through Jesus. That is it. It is not a popular concept in today's society th...

Because this was the day when the greatest love was shown in the most sacrificial and tangible way Good Friday is celebrated by many in remembrance of Jesus' gruesome death and it's considered 'good' because without that death, there would have been an unmet penalty. And humanity would've been looked to for debt collection. Sin had entered the world way back when Lucifer fell from Heaven. And it entered humanity after Adam and Eve bit from that tree. Ever since then, sin has been running rampant. But God knew that sin would come and He knew it would bring with it a divide between the people He created and His holy self. So He lovingly left His home and entered ours. He took on our form and allowed Himself to be killed. No, not killed, murdered. No, destroyed . The Bible states that due to the atrocious whipping that Jesus endured, His body was destroyed beyond recognition.** Can you imagine that? Being beaten past being recognized? And what's more is that Je...

By God I have found myself so enveloped by the goodness of God lately. He's just so good to me and His love is truly relentless. I do not have a story of some amazing thing that happened to me recently which inspired this post. God is just amazing and He doesn't always need to do something for me to recognize that. Sometimes He just overwhelms me with Himself and it's not because of anything I've done. It disrupts my anxiety and overpowers my mind. This is probably one of the shortest, if not the shortest, posts I've written. I just felt that this needed to be said. Because in the midst of my craziness, I can still be overwhelmed by God and it has nothing to do with me. I could scream because of His greatness. Gaaah!!  He is awesome.  

But Jesus still wants me I have many cracks. I worry about everything. I judge myself and sometimes others. I try to be perfect. I struggle with boundary setting. I have yet to master handling my anger in a Godly way. I'm in an abusive relationship which I'm sorta okay with. I hide insecurities by focusing on others. I hide pain by focusing on others. I doubt my salvation and fear I am just pretending. I doubt how I can still be used by God. I find it hard to forgive. I have endless fear induced obsessions. I don't see my worth and I receive God's love to an extent. Sometimes, I just don't care about doing right. I have a tendency to nurse a grudge like a sick toddler. I think the worst of myself and sometimes I think the worst of others. It's hard for me to commit to living by The Love Chapter (1st Corinthians 13). But Jesus still wants me. I give others advice that I myself find a daunting, excruciating task. Sometimes I use words which others might co...

  What does that even mean? I remember being late one day for a therapy appointment. I was berating and condemning myself for screwing up so badly and was fearing that my therapist probably thought of me as a late person. And I'm not a late person. But she wouldn't know that because here I am showing up late to her office. When I finally got inside and we met up, of course I began to apologize and felt shame come over me but then she said something which grabbed my attention by the tatas. "It's okay, you're allowed to be late. You're human." Needless to say but I'll say it anyway, my mind was blown. I really don't remember ever being given permission to be late, which means being human, which means... *gasp*... not being perfect. I sort of short circuited after she said that. I'm allowed to be late? I'm allowed to not be perfect? This was and still is a strange concept but I'm trying to understand it more and more. I expressed...

Sometimes it stings One of my favorite movies is Good Will Hunting because c'mon, who doesn't like that movie? Robin Williams and Matt Damon were outstanding; it is a beautifully written film! If you've seen it, I'm sure you remember that scene in which Robin's character, Sean, was repeating to Will that "it wasn't his fault" and how the more Will heard it, the more he began to pull away until eventually, he broke down in the doctor's arms. Here's a refresher (and some tissues) just in case... Oh, wow. This right here. I can identify with this so much. As desperate as Will was to hear that all the years of abuse he suffered at his father's hands was not his fault, when he finally heard it, it was too much. It hurt to hear. That's what my interpretation of this scene is anyway. How many of us are so desperate for love that when we finally get it, we pull away? Isn't the mind and how it works incredible? This is where I am, wit...