Out Of Order

It's happening... So tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow, Wednesday 4th, 2017, at 9:30 am, I am admitting myself into a treatment center out here in good ol' California. Wow... How am I feeling? Excited. Numb. Detached. Motivated. Willing. Ready. This still feels so surreal. I can't believe this is actually going to happen. And at my choosing. The first time I went into treatment, outwardly it appeared that it was for my ed but really my motives were far from recovering. I was in a deep depression and that on top of my ed was enough to get me admitted. This time... it's different. Don't get me wrong, the depression is still super bad but it's not my main reason for going. It is a big reason though, because I know that anorexia keeps me from feeling it so overwhelmingly and if I were to try and increase my intake on my own, unsupervised, I wouldn't trust myself to maintain my safety. And I know this because that's exactly what was happening w...

Going our separate ways You're going to miss me. He said as I was packing to go to that shelter. I stayed silent and placed my clothes in my bags. You know you are. I sighed. He got closer to me. You don't think you're going to miss me? Yes! I mean... you can't act like it didn't happen. What are you talking about? The other day, when you showed up to my test. That's what I'm talking about. Woah, calm down. I always come to your martial arts classes. I rolled my eyes at how insensitive he was being. Yes, but this wasn't just a class. It was my test! And I almost missed it because of you. I could've failed! You came and distracted me and pulled me out in front of everyone. I was so embarrassed. And then you dragged me in the back and... you really hurt me. And if it hadn't been for the other members who saw what happened, I wouldn't have been able to finish. Listen, I'm sorry, okay? He tried to soothe. I moved away. No you...

May 3, 2017 An original poem inspired by a typically difficult eating experience that I got through with the much appreciated help of friends. I did something without you today Well, you were still there, I guess, in a way But maybe the hunger helped silence your voice Helped silence the demands you disguised as my choice And I don't mean hunger for food or for drink But something much deeper than what one would think Something like  freedom to pick and to choose To settle on something without your abuse But I know you're still there, lurking around Waiting for all of this soon to go down For now though, the voice of support's in my ear Cheering me on and fighting the fear "You'll regret it" , you say And I know this is true But today, at least, I did something without you Will it happen again? That I don't know Do I even want it to? Only time will show

... I looked up online a shelter for abused women. I applied for it and immediately felt fear. What was I doing? How could I do this? Leave Ed, my... "best friend"? But I felt a drive and compulsion to stick with it. Hey. I  jumped at the sound of his presence. Hi. What are you doing? What was I doing? Nothing. Uh, nothing. You're making a mistake, you know? What are you talking about? We both know what you're doing. It's not like I'm leaving tonight or anything. So you are planning on leaving, then? Why was I the one feeling bad? No, I just... I don't know. I sighed. That's okay, I already told you you could leave. I'm not stopping you. It just sucks what's going to happen. What do you mean "what's going to happen"? Look at you, you haven't reached your goal. What do you think is going to happen when you start listening to her again? Oh God . Oh God. Oh God. No, don't panic. He's wrong, don't...

Despite the fear of moving forward Let me start with honesty. Depression. It sucks and it's been creeping back over me and despite how much I've tried to ignore it, I can't. I've been lax with writing here lately because not only have I not had motivation, I've had no energy. I had no encouraging things to say. The last post about self care took a lot but thankfully, the words came together. And now I'm here, trying to mentally prepare ( read: mentally avoid ) for what is likely to be at least a six month stay in another treatment facility. What am I thinking? I have begun the daunting task of  seriously looking for an ed center and it seems that I will be admitted into a place called Mercy Multiplied very soon-- I have a phone intake session tomorrow morning so yeah. Needless to say, I'm very freaked out . Scared . Terrified. Yeah, that's it. I'm terrified. And it's not the idea of treatment that terrifies me. I was nervous about treatment ...

Freaking out about an unexpected decision What are you going to do when you have to leave? I'll find some way to deal with it. No you won't, I mean sure but not like the way I help you. ... But-- And you'll feel that word you hate. You know the word. Yes, I knew the word. I will never leave you feeling that way but without me, you'll feel it to your core.  But I still feel it now so... So can you imagine how much worse it'll be? Without me? I just... but... you're no good for me. I said that last part quietly and with doubt. We both know you don't believe that. Come on, don't let them get in your head. I'm already here, there's not enough room anyway. He snickered. I made a face. It was a joke. I'm not hurting you. He slyly questioned me, Have I ever really hurt you? You've never had a heart attack, have you? No. Your body still abides by its monthly rules, doesn't it? Well, yeah. For the most part. You've sti...

The morning after Originally written on April 3, 2017 I shouldn't have come to see you, this was a mistake. I said the next morning. What do you mean, the past three days were great? But I'm so exhausted. That's usually what happens when you have a good time. He said with a smirk. I was silent. You're not still thinking of leaving are you? I don't know. How else are you going to have such a great time? Where else are you going to get this high from? I can do other things. True. But it's not going to be anything like what we have together. I wish I could say that I responded with a snarky "that's the point" comment but I didn't. I just sat. And thought. If you really want to leave, I'll let you go. But at least let me give you this. I looked down at my wrist. What's this? It's a bracelet. A bracelet? It was connected by a chain of sorts to a similar looking "bracelet" around him. Um, okay. Well, I...

One last NEDAW original poem I know I'm a few days late but I wanted to post this poem to end off Neda awareness week. I really hope this captures the frustration, competition, desperation, and misery that comes along with an ED. There is nothing fun about being ill with one and while weight should not be the focal point of an ED, this poem speaks on weight insecurities. For me, this is what having an ED feels like, this is what it feels like being the weight I am now and saying I "have an ED". EDs are not fun or something one does because they have or lack self control. They aren't something you try for a while then change your mind about. They are complex mental disorders and they wreak havoc and create/maintain chaos in our lives while promising to ease it. And many of us who have them know this, yet we are unable to stop... without help of some sort. If you find that you relate to any of these poems, please reach out and get help. Recovery is real and possibl...

The cost of living here I hope this poem gives a bit more insight as to what having an ed actually feels like. Of course, this is just my perspective and you may not even find you relate. But if you do at all, please reach out and get help. NEDA  is a really good place to start if you're unsure or scared of what getting help looks like. Even though I'm still struggling with my own ed, reaching out was one of the best things I've ever done and I would not hesitate in doing it all over if I had to. Getting help is scary and uncomfortable but it's harder to live with an ed with no Support . You deserve the peace that treatment or therapy or counseling can provide. You aren't alone. Strange New World Pt. 2 1-27-2017 The currency here is... Strange. You want to buy something to eat, a turkey sandwich, perhaps? That'll cost you five hours of your sanity and peace. Chips with that? Ooo, you don't have enough to cover the cost. Unless, of course... You ...

 Caution yourselves This poem has calorie and number talk but no mention of weight. Please read at your own risk and if you are struggling, please reach out to someone you trust. Sites such as NEDA  have great information and offer lots of support for those suffering  and I would encourage you to check them out if you or a loved one are struggling. Feedback is always appreciated. Strange New World Pt. 1 1-9-2017 Food stops looking appealing. It is no longer a juicy burger and fries but a series of numbers. 1000. 200. 15. It's no longer, "how much food did I eat" but "what were their numbers" Because I can eat a couple slices of 40 cal multigrain bread and some applesauce pouches at 50 cals each. But place in front of me a warm skillet with veggies and eggs and I'll turn it away because of the 340 calorie content. But they're both "safe" right? One is more nutritional than the other. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't mat...

More than meets the eye I wrote this in 2015 to express how having an ed isn't easily explained as a vain pursuit for thinness or simply having food issues. While physical manifestations may point to these things, eating disorders are about so, SO much more than what our bodies show (or don't show). If you are struggling with an eating disorder or you think you or someone you know may be, please get some help. There shouldn't be any shame attributed to taking care of your mental health but unfortunately, there is. Hopefully my blog and posts such as these can encourage you to take care of yourself and seek help despite the stigma surrounding doing so. The NEDA website is a great place start if you need resources. You were created with freedom  in mind and an ed is contrary to that freedom. Please choose recovery. Iceberg 6-27-2015 It's not just all about weight Or appearance Or even food It's about anxiety Control, fear, misery, worthlessness Hatred...

Another NEDAW poem Please reach out and get  help if you or someone you know is struggling with an ed. They are insidious mental disorders but can be overcome. NEDA's website offers a lot of resources for how to go about getting treatment as well as offers a lot information on what eds are and are not. I hope my original poem can offer insight on them as well. Enjoy and let me know what you think! It 6-17-2015 That creeping voice inside my head Angry, so angry Winding and twisting itself tightly around my mind like a vine Or a vice Barking at me over and over, a little more Starve a little more Exercise a little more It is never enough Never satisfied So I think, "A little more won't hurt" "I'm not that thin anyway" It  chimes in, You're not sick enough They don't believe you And it's true Who would believe me I'm too big It  is right Just a little more here and there Not too much Just enough to make a diffe...

Easier said than done An eating disorder is often viewed under the context of an abusive relationship, especially on my own blog. Here is an original poem I wrote to communicate that. If you can relate at all, please don't hesitate to seek help for yourself. The NEDA website  is a great first step and at any weight, you deserve the life saving intervention that treatment can provide. Even if it's just reaching out to  Someone Who loves you , don't stay silent. Recovery is possible. Leave comments and enjoy! Leave Him 2-23-2015 We all got seduced by the same abuser, Sly Mr. Stockholm, Suave and cunning. But he made us think we were the only ones That we were all alone He called us names like "worthless" and "failure" He would subject us to such pain and convince us it was for our benefit And we believed him He strung us along on barbed wire and when we'd cry out from the pain, he'd demean us and make us feel weak For being human...

NEDAW poem This is another original poem I wrote back in April 2015. With it, I hope to shed some light into the mental aspect of an ed, as we often hear a lot about the food, weight and physical aspects. If you're struggling with an ed or know someone who is, please reach out for  help or encourage them to get help. Whether it's Binge eating disorder, Bulimia, OSFED, Anorexia, or any other eating struggle, you need to get help. No one needs to struggle alone. As is mentioned on the NEDA website,  it's time to talk about it . Enjoy and as always, feedback is encouraged!  Asylum 04-18-2015 What is asylum? Wanting freedom. Being desperate. Painfully desperate for it. And admiring the chains that bind you. Rusty, heavy chains that bite into your flesh. Tear at your skin and puncture your wrists. " They're so strong, so sturdy ", you say dreamily. Each movement tightens their grip, your enslavement. But you don't mind so much. You've gr...

  My contribution to NEDA week I have skipped a few weeks of writing because I have been lacking serious motivation and have just been feeling an overall sense of "sucky". February 26-March 4 is the national eating disorder awareness week and I had originally planned on writing a few posts based on what an ed feels like and how the illness affects the loved ones of those with it in honor of it but like I said, no motivation. Tonight though, I was able to muster up some energy and decided to just post a few new original poems-- one for everyday of NEDAW-- depicting the chaos that an eating disorder can create. If you or a loved one are struggling with an eating disorder or think you may be, please reach out for help-- the NEDA website  is a great place for resources and help. Please know that eds are not a "lifestyle" or diet or lack of self control or will power. Please also know that you don't have to stay sick and that while you didn't choose to get...

Suffocating For creative purposes, I'm going to paint the picture of my disordered and healthy thoughts as a dialogue between myself and (in this case) "Ed". Here  is where the "dialogue illustration" began and where 'B' is first introduced, in case you're interested. I think we should... break up. Why would you want to do that? he asked a bit annoyed. Because I can't breathe around you. What are you talking about? You just... make me anxious. I'm always a wreck thinking about what I'm "not supposed to do". I'm constantly obsessing over things I can't have. I'm exhausted, you exhaust me. Hmm. But you're not cold all the time anymore. So? So that means it's not that bad. Well that's probably because I'm eating more. Or too much. Probably. Have I been eating too much? I worriedly wondered. You're confused. Wait, no. I need some space from 'us'. Why?! he demanded. I told y...

  I've relapsed   My relapse-- wow, saying that feels so weird-- has been something that I've been trying to keep off of this blog for a while, especially during these past winter holidays. I just didn't want to discuss it anymore. If I'm being honest, I feel nowhere near as positive as that picture I took of my journal. I awakened this morning, after having suffered a very torturous night filled with thoughts of how huge I failed for eating salad, fruit, and pretzel twists, and consequently making myself do workouts in the bed, and felt this desire to give recovery a try. I felt, for the first time since being diagnosed with an ed, that I may be ready for recovery. I just felt so tired of the bs that comes along with it and realized that I actually miss eating certain foods.   I can't do it now, eat I mean. It's so beyond hard and on some days, impossible. It's the most taxing thing I have to do in a day and that's sad. Even though I don...

A story type account The date on which I compose this is December 8, 2016, 11:30ish pm. I'm not sure if I want to publish this in this month because I'm trying to keep everything lite and merry. But this is where my headspace is. I'm going to use my dialogue illustration to show how my night with "Ed" was earlier. This is our interaction as he met me after work. Don't get anything, you don't need anything. Don't ruin it. But I have to . I reasoned with a whine, the pain of considering feeding myself too much. No. You don't. Starve. But I can't . Yes you can. I shouldn't . I wanted to cry at this point. Yes you should and you have a legitimate reason to. You've been feeling sick all day. What about something lite ?   No. You're not even hungry. I'm really not, I don't even want anything . So don't. I sigh.   But I have to . It feels like a knife is being twisted in my mind. You're just going t...

What gift can I bring to the King First off, Merry Christmas everyone!!! Yay!! Yes!! Woo!!  Yesterday my church (C3 Church) had an amazing service for Christmas Eve. There was caroling and amazing worship and a great message about offering our gifts to God. And that's such a needed word for us. What is your gift? What is that thing that you can offer to Jesus? The wise men came to the newborn Jesus and presented different gifts to Him. They didn't all bring the same thing but gave what they had. What can you give to Jesus today in honor of His birth and the Ultimate Gift which He has given, Himself? God has given all of us gifts and abilities which we can use to honor Him and bring His name glory. For instance, I have been blessed with an incredible ability to write and create stories and worlds using words. Whether it's in my songs or books, I use this gift to bring God praise, I give this talent back to the King. This is what God has given me and I don't have to ...

But way too hot So here is my obligatory post about the conflicts of Christmastime and eating disorders. I am struggling to keep my focus on the Reason for the Season  and am finding it to be so torturous engaging in the mealtime festivities. I have been able to engage in the meals but distracting myself afterwards is getting increasingly harder. The aftermath is rough. I have another Christmas party coming up and I don't know how much more I can take. It's as if we just had the Thanksgiving feast and now I'm going to all these Christmas ones. I'm feeling really tired and drained from these meals when I know I shouldn't. Ugh . I have been enjoying the company of those around whom I've been but I've still been very distracted. It definitely helps to focus on the birth of Jesus and why we celebrate (if you're a Christian) but it's very hard to do with all this extra noise in my head. There were even very brief times  this month where I felt a sma...