Out Of Order

Despite the fear of moving forward Let me start with honesty. Depression. It sucks and it's been creeping back over me and despite how much I've tried to ignore it, I can't. I've been lax with writing here lately because not only have I not had motivation, I've had no energy. I had no encouraging things to say. The last post about self care took a lot but thankfully, the words came together. And now I'm here, trying to mentally prepare ( read: mentally avoid ) for what is likely to be at least a six month stay in another treatment facility. What am I thinking? I have begun the daunting task of  seriously looking for an ed center and it seems that I will be admitted into a place called Mercy Multiplied very soon-- I have a phone intake session tomorrow morning so yeah. Needless to say, I'm very freaked out . Scared . Terrified. Yeah, that's it. I'm terrified. And it's not the idea of treatment that terrifies me. I was nervous about treatment ...

Wait That picture is so perfect for my post today... On Tuesday this week, I got a promotion! Not just any promotion but one for which I had been hoping since shortly after I started at my job. One of the kids at work has autism and has a personal mentor to assist him and hang out with him during his time there. Shortly after I started working, his, at the time, current mentor was given a promotion of her own which meant there was a spot now open for a new one for him. I spoke to my boss about my interest and while she wasn't against it, she preferred for me to stick around in what was my current position as a Youth Development Professional so I'd have room to advance in the company instead of "just" being a mentor. Though I was a bit disappointed, I accepted what she said and continued to do my job diligently. Soon after, a new girl was hired but a few months in and there was talk of her changing positions to become a YDP which would mean there would be an open...

And I'm so done with it So for these past few days, I have been so out of it due to, yep, my good ole pal, PMDD. I was in bed all day yesterday and missed church, which is why I didn't post. I had panic attacks, which I didn't realize were panic attacks until today, I found it so hard to function and do things. I felt sick and was in so much pain all day yesterday and could not sleep restfully at all. I kept awakening with pain and just plain discomfort. I'm so tired of it. I even missed three (four including today) days of working on my book!! Gah!! I often wonder how I am really supposed to be a famous and successful author when this horrible monster interrupts way too much. How am I supposed to function in life and have a normal job and be a consistent worker when I may have to take days off to deal with the aforementioned beast? It's definitely frustrating but I am trusting God that what I'm going through can not hinder what He has for me . It is very...

Keeping my trust in the right place I was pulled into my boss' office after work today and after we had chit chatted a bit (she's such a chill boss), we got down to business. Before I go on to share what came next, let me back up some. So lately I have been... concerned with how I am going to afford saving money and pay rent as well as other expenses. I haven't been too worried about it but it is a genuine concern. I don't want to get another job because I really like this one but I was a little frustrated with the amount I was bringing in every other week. I applied for another position within this same company but I was unqualified for it. It stung a bit but I agreed with decision. But how am I going to save now? That new position started at a way higher wage and would be perfect. I talked to my mom about how I felt and she encouraged me as only she could. Since then, I've been in an off and on restful place concerning having enough money for needs and wants...

And gifts are for unwrapping This morning, one of my pastors at church was talking about allowing God to unwrap us. He was drawing from John 11:38-44 and was really hitting on a lot of heart places. He spoke of how after Jesus resurrected Lazarus from the dead, Jesus told the family and friends of Lazarus to unwrap him. He told them to take off his grave clothes and then let him go free. Pastor Jurgen explained that when one comes to Jesus and makes that decision to follow Him , spiritually we are free. We are no longer going to be found dead in sin and we are no longer under the control of death, meaning our spirits will find eternal rest in Heaven at the end of days. But , we still have to be freed from everything else, such as our earthly constraints. He went on to say that we need unwrapping after coming to Jesus because we are still wrapped in where we just came from. Places like abuse or divorce begin to wrap us up and bind us in ways that make it difficult for God to use u...

When "can" becomes "must" I saw a post online about how people with eds heard the phrase, "you can be anything you want" and interpreted it as, "you have to be everything ". That's definitely true for me. Because of my personality, I feel a lot of pressure to "be everything" for people. Not only because of my genuine desire to help people but also due to my perfectionistic tendencies will I interpret "cans" to "musts". I'll give the example of what happened earlier this week. I was talking to my mom on my way to work and I shared that I didn't know if I was making a difference in my kids' lives. I was upset because, well, if I wasn't making a difference, why was I there? My mom said something to me that blew my mind. She told me that I didn't have to (nor should I try to) make a difference in every child's life. What?! I don't have to try and impact every single child's ...

Sun stand still What does the word 'faith' mean to you? As a Christian, faith is placing my entire belief and trust in Jesus the Christ, not just for salvation but for my life. For everything. **Faith is the substance of things not yet seen and is the evidence of things hoped for . Faith is what we hold onto even when our circumstances seem very contrary to those hopes. When I first decided to move to Cali, it was all based in faith that Jesus had plans for me out here. I had no idea where I'd be staying, had no reliable transportation of my own, no job set up. I just had faith. Faith and a boldness to go. California has always been my dream state and in July, I decided I would just go in faith despite all of the unknowns. Obviously, my personality is not one that is in favor of "unknowns" but this unknown was okay with me because I knew that Jesus knew. I left PA and moved to California unprepared and without knowing where my next step would lead. But, ...

Where Do I Begin? I am here... I am actually here!! I made it to California, the place where dreams come true!! So, as some of you know, I left Pennsylvania on July 9th 2016 with a dream, faith and God-given talent. It has been an adventure since. When I first got out here, I did a lot of hotel hopping. The rates seemed to go up every night. I was still looking for a live-in nanny position, as I had been before I left. This journey of mine has lead me to small hotels, a night on the street, weeks in a mansion, to where I am now. As I write this, I sit at a wicker table on the deck of a woman with whom I share an adorable apartment. There is a beautiful view in front of me and the sun beams warmly on my skin. I love this. I was born for this state and the serenity here is amazing. I have met very cool people and an amazing family took me in and helped me to get back on my feet, they are the ones with the mansion. I was their live-in housekeeper/organizer. I got close to them and...

This is what it looks like I am currently driving down what we call "recovery road" and it is bumpy, to say the least. This is the hardest thing I've ever endeavored to do and it is way harder than having an eating disorder. My eating disorder, however painful and exhausting, is cozy and comforting-- falsely, I know. Recovery involves change and adapting new ideas and new coping skills. It involves discomfort and second guesses, lapses and possible relapses, frustration and annoyance. It's being excited for the freedom to eat a fear food but then regretting the excitement. It's also enjoying the company of those whom I'm around due to not fretting over every single food on the table. But my gosh, it's a grueling process. Something that really encourages me to keep driving is keeping before me the fact that there are others who are also fighting for their lives and enduring recovery or treatment. To be specific, last week I found out that the brothe...

Closer than ever before Ever In my Life So wow... Where do I begin? Throughout my journey, Jesus has been getting up close and personal with me in gentleness and tenderness. And this is the closest I have ever felt Him walk with me! I know that we are getting closer together and that my relationship with Him is growing in a way I've never experienced before. How to explain it... It is not I who am going after Him but He is coming after me. That's not to say that I am no longer desirous of Him or His presence or that I've stopped longing for Him. But He is... drawing near to me. I don't know how else to put it but that's what the Bible says. If we draw near to God, He will draw near to us . In my younger years of walking with Jesus, I spent my time studying the Word and praying and really building a foundation of fellowship with Him. And I was in hot pursuit. While I still am, something is different. He is the one pursuing me now. That's not to imply that...

A rough but necessary process Did you know that if a baby bird's egg is broken open for it by outsiders during the hatching process, the bird will not survive? I didn't know that but it totally makes sense why. The reason is because it would not have learned how to use its own strength and will not be strong enough to survive on the outside. It may seem harsh to leave a struggling baby bird alone but to "help" it would really only be killing it. (Hmm, I think a post on boundaries will be coming soon)... Who of us, back when we were learning to ride a bike, had our parents ride it for us? None of us. Of course, they helped us and taught us but they couldn't do the work for us. When we fell and scraped our knees and elbows, they helped us get up and back on the bikes. They made sure we were all right but they allowed us to fall again if it meant learning a new and useful and even fun skill. I think that's the season where I may be now. Hatching out of the e...