Out Of Order

... I looked up online a shelter for abused women. I applied for it and immediately felt fear. What was I doing? How could I do this? Leave Ed, my... "best friend"? But I felt a drive and compulsion to stick with it. Hey. I  jumped at the sound of his presence. Hi. What are you doing? What was I doing? Nothing. Uh, nothing. You're making a mistake, you know? What are you talking about? We both know what you're doing. It's not like I'm leaving tonight or anything. So you are planning on leaving, then? Why was I the one feeling bad? No, I just... I don't know. I sighed. That's okay, I already told you you could leave. I'm not stopping you. It just sucks what's going to happen. What do you mean "what's going to happen"? Look at you, you haven't reached your goal. What do you think is going to happen when you start listening to her again? Oh God . Oh God. Oh God. No, don't panic. He's wrong, don't...

Suffocating For creative purposes, I'm going to paint the picture of my disordered and healthy thoughts as a dialogue between myself and (in this case) "Ed". Here  is where the "dialogue illustration" began and where 'B' is first introduced, in case you're interested. I think we should... break up. Why would you want to do that? he asked a bit annoyed. Because I can't breathe around you. What are you talking about? You just... make me anxious. I'm always a wreck thinking about what I'm "not supposed to do". I'm constantly obsessing over things I can't have. I'm exhausted, you exhaust me. Hmm. But you're not cold all the time anymore. So? So that means it's not that bad. Well that's probably because I'm eating more. Or too much. Probably. Have I been eating too much? I worriedly wondered. You're confused. Wait, no. I need some space from 'us'. Why?! he demanded. I told y...

Honesty This one reads more like a journal entry. I wrote the following on my phone almost a month ago and it's still pretty true. June 23, 2016 I still feel disgusting and disgusted with myself even though I'm eating more willingly now. It's coming from inside me, the disgust, and I can no longer project it onto my weight. Because I want my plumpness back, I have to eat a lot but at the same time I'm worried about getting too big and losing control due to what has always been my insatiable appetite. I hate this. And I feel self hatred. And when I'm trying too hard to be perfect is when I feel the most insecure and worthless and unloved. The more perfection I display, the more likely it is that something is going on that is overwhelming. Or just simply being overlooked. ... Back to the Present So that's how I was feeling and I'm still feeling some of that. But I'm also feeling confused about my eating and this whole process. I have no enc...

  The Honest Truth Oh boy... This is something I have been feeling since... for a long time. But it's so much easier to write instead of say. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that I don't need God. HA! I need Jesus every single day of my life. The sole reason I am still alive is because of Him... What I  am saying is that I am perfectly fine. With Ed, I mean. So I don't need prayer. I really don't. You can pray for me about everything else. But not about this . Why not ? Simple. Because I'm fine. I'm really not that sick. I understand the disagreement between these words and previous ones but I am okay. I was contacted by the Frew last week and it's like they have this radar. This "sick" sense . But I don't know why they called me because I was never really sick to begin with. I'm fine. I was fine then and I'm fine now . Please understand, I'm not trying to be stubborn or difficult... I just... I don't ...

Awareness Feet in my chair, knees against my chest, I must have sat like that for the longest time before starting this post. I take long, hateful glances at the uneaten cereal, which has been sitting on my desk for at least 20 min, as if it has offended me in some way. Well, I do find its presence awful. My jaw is clenched and tears are hiding behind my eyes, waiting for the right moment to fall. There is a deep and heavy anger inside of me. I can't put off eating much longer. The first bite down, tears still hiding. A few more spoonfuls. I loathe it. How many more until the bowl is empty? Sit. Take a break . The letters on my keyboard look distorted through my welling tears. One slides down my cheek. I want to get back into bed. But I also want to get things done. Is the monster of depression feeding on me again, because I'm starting to feel listless. Please, leave me alone. I have work to do. I have to finish eating. I take several more bites while read...

The one about PMDD ** I'm in a rambling mood so please bare with me if this post is ridiculously long or just plain unintelligible. Also, please check out the links I will have listed at the very bottom for more info on PMDD, especially if you think you or a loved one may have it. The sites are very insightful ... Sorry about that.** Since I missed work today because of it, I figured this would be a great time to shed some light on this monster. PMDD stands for Pre menstrual dysphoric disorder or as some of us women refer to it, Pure Insanity. It has a tendency to resemble Bi-Polar disorder and can often go misdiagnosed although, if you think you may have either or both of these illnesses, please talk to someone you trust about it and reach out to a professional. PMS on steroids is how some sites explaining the disorder describe it. PMDD is a mental illness affecting about 8-10% of women around or during their menstrual cycles. It is not a simple case of PMS. I...

Honesty Okay, so here is the part of my blog where we go deeper into the nitty gritty. Put on your boots because things are about to get messy *dramatic*. I've listed my struggles as well as my strengths which used to be struggles. This blog is all about authenticity and encouragement and hope. By putting myself on blast as well as celebrating my victories (as we were taught to do at the Frew), I figure it may encourage someone else. These lists are not to brag or an effort to become "perfect" by  overcoming every struggle. It's just proof that victory in my life with my own personal demons is more than possible. It's also to show the progress I've made so that I'm not consumed with my faults. I would greatly encourage you to make your own lists and if you are comfortable with it, share them with someone else and/or in the comments below for a sense of unity and understanding and even accountability. Even if you are not necessarily working o...