Out Of Order

Despite the fear of moving forward Let me start with honesty. Depression. It sucks and it's been creeping back over me and despite how much I've tried to ignore it, I can't. I've been lax with writing here lately because not only have I not had motivation, I've had no energy. I had no encouraging things to say. The last post about self care took a lot but thankfully, the words came together. And now I'm here, trying to mentally prepare ( read: mentally avoid ) for what is likely to be at least a six month stay in another treatment facility. What am I thinking? I have begun the daunting task of  seriously looking for an ed center and it seems that I will be admitted into a place called Mercy Multiplied very soon-- I have a phone intake session tomorrow morning so yeah. Needless to say, I'm very freaked out . Scared . Terrified. Yeah, that's it. I'm terrified. And it's not the idea of treatment that terrifies me. I was nervous about treatment ...

Wait That picture is so perfect for my post today... On Tuesday this week, I got a promotion! Not just any promotion but one for which I had been hoping since shortly after I started at my job. One of the kids at work has autism and has a personal mentor to assist him and hang out with him during his time there. Shortly after I started working, his, at the time, current mentor was given a promotion of her own which meant there was a spot now open for a new one for him. I spoke to my boss about my interest and while she wasn't against it, she preferred for me to stick around in what was my current position as a Youth Development Professional so I'd have room to advance in the company instead of "just" being a mentor. Though I was a bit disappointed, I accepted what she said and continued to do my job diligently. Soon after, a new girl was hired but a few months in and there was talk of her changing positions to become a YDP which would mean there would be an open...

And I'm so done with it So for these past few days, I have been so out of it due to, yep, my good ole pal, PMDD. I was in bed all day yesterday and missed church, which is why I didn't post. I had panic attacks, which I didn't realize were panic attacks until today, I found it so hard to function and do things. I felt sick and was in so much pain all day yesterday and could not sleep restfully at all. I kept awakening with pain and just plain discomfort. I'm so tired of it. I even missed three (four including today) days of working on my book!! Gah!! I often wonder how I am really supposed to be a famous and successful author when this horrible monster interrupts way too much. How am I supposed to function in life and have a normal job and be a consistent worker when I may have to take days off to deal with the aforementioned beast? It's definitely frustrating but I am trusting God that what I'm going through can not hinder what He has for me . It is very...

Going strong Wow, I've been in California for six months. That's half a year! It doesn't feel like it's been that long, I've been so busy during this journey. I've been making plans and sticking to them. I have entered a new year self harm free for two months (thank You, Jesus!). I've resolved to increase my book writing and have been going past my original goal of a page a day-- I'm doing a page and a half! Setting that goal for myself has definitely helped to keep the fire burning and even when I have been frustrated, knowing I've written another full page and am closer to my goal is super encouraging. I've decided to make the most out of the time I have in a day and it is paying off. I realized that I missed my weekly Sunday post for this past Sunday so I'll touch a bit on the message. A man whom God uses in the gift of prophecy was delivering the message and what he continued to emphasize was for us to seize the moment in this new...

26 Years On December 27, 2016, I celebrated my birthday with my housemates. It was my first birthday away from my mom and sister and my first birthday in California. We went to a Denny's and I had a yummy veggie and egg dish, it was great! I enjoyed a sweet hot chocolate and went down memory lane and purchased a snack that my mom and I used to share, Chick-O-Stick . I didn't enjoy it as much as I had when I was a child but it brought back warm memories. I was made to feel so loved by those with whom I live and it was just a great time. As part of their family tradition, I awakened to printed out posters of birthday greetings practically all over the house! It was beautiful and I am so thankful to God for 26 years! I have realized this year that I have actually made accomplishments worthy of recognition, if only by myself and I am so excited for the ones I will make in 2017. If I had been told last year this time that by the time I was 26, I would be living comfortably in...

Keeping my trust in the right place I was pulled into my boss' office after work today and after we had chit chatted a bit (she's such a chill boss), we got down to business. Before I go on to share what came next, let me back up some. So lately I have been... concerned with how I am going to afford saving money and pay rent as well as other expenses. I haven't been too worried about it but it is a genuine concern. I don't want to get another job because I really like this one but I was a little frustrated with the amount I was bringing in every other week. I applied for another position within this same company but I was unqualified for it. It stung a bit but I agreed with decision. But how am I going to save now? That new position started at a way higher wage and would be perfect. I talked to my mom about how I felt and she encouraged me as only she could. Since then, I've been in an off and on restful place concerning having enough money for needs and wants...

Sun stand still What does the word 'faith' mean to you? As a Christian, faith is placing my entire belief and trust in Jesus the Christ, not just for salvation but for my life. For everything. **Faith is the substance of things not yet seen and is the evidence of things hoped for . Faith is what we hold onto even when our circumstances seem very contrary to those hopes. When I first decided to move to Cali, it was all based in faith that Jesus had plans for me out here. I had no idea where I'd be staying, had no reliable transportation of my own, no job set up. I just had faith. Faith and a boldness to go. California has always been my dream state and in July, I decided I would just go in faith despite all of the unknowns. Obviously, my personality is not one that is in favor of "unknowns" but this unknown was okay with me because I knew that Jesus knew. I left PA and moved to California unprepared and without knowing where my next step would lead. But, ...

Where Do I Begin? I am here... I am actually here!! I made it to California, the place where dreams come true!! So, as some of you know, I left Pennsylvania on July 9th 2016 with a dream, faith and God-given talent. It has been an adventure since. When I first got out here, I did a lot of hotel hopping. The rates seemed to go up every night. I was still looking for a live-in nanny position, as I had been before I left. This journey of mine has lead me to small hotels, a night on the street, weeks in a mansion, to where I am now. As I write this, I sit at a wicker table on the deck of a woman with whom I share an adorable apartment. There is a beautiful view in front of me and the sun beams warmly on my skin. I love this. I was born for this state and the serenity here is amazing. I have met very cool people and an amazing family took me in and helped me to get back on my feet, they are the ones with the mansion. I was their live-in housekeeper/organizer. I got close to them and...