Posts

A Huge Step Forward

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It's happening...

So tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow, Wednesday 4th, 2017, at 9:30 am, I am admitting myself into a treatment center out here in good ol' California. Wow...
How am I feeling?

Excited. Numb. Detached.Motivated.Willing.Ready.

This still feels so surreal. I can't believe this is actually going to happen. And at my choosing. The first time I went into treatment, outwardly it appeared that it was for my ed but really my motives were far from recovering. I was in a deep depression and that on top of my ed was enough to get me admitted. This time... it's different. Don't get me wrong, the depression is still super bad but it's not my main reason for going. It is a big reason though, because I know that anorexia keeps me from feeling it so overwhelmingly and if I were to try and increase my intake on my own, unsupervised, I wouldn't trust myself to maintain my safety. And I know this because that's exactly what was happening when I did try to up t…

Scared But Motivated

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Going our separate ways

You're going to miss me. He said as I was packing to go to that shelter. I stayed silent and placed my clothes in my bags.
You know you are.
I sighed.
He got closer to me. You don't think you're going to miss me?
Yes! I mean... you can't act like it didn't happen.
What are you talking about?
The other day, when you showed up to my test. That's what I'm talking about.
Woah, calm down. I always come to your martial arts classes.
I rolled my eyes at how insensitive he was being. Yes, but this wasn't just a class. It was my test! And I almost missed it because of you. I could've failed! You came and distracted me and pulled me out in front of everyone. I was so embarrassed. And then you dragged me in the back and... you really hurt me. And if it hadn't been for the other members who saw what happened, I wouldn't have been able to finish.
Listen, I'm sorry, okay? He tried to soothe.
I moved away. No you're not.
Yes I am. And…

It's Been A While

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And it's been dark...

Cutting straight to the chase, I've been in a horrible, horrible place. Suicidal thoughts have been running rampant, the depression has filled me and taken over my insides again, I've been incredibly detached and have dissociated to a degree the more the depression grows, and as far as my ed is concerned, it's been incredibly hard to fight. I've been sucked into it to the point that no number is low enough, food seems impossible to eat, I've made it a pound away to my lowest weight (though it still doesn't look like it to me but I can tell from the way my clothes fit), and I've come to the realization that if I don't get professional help, I'm going to die. Either slowly from the ed. Or quickly from the depression. And honestly, I feel the depression would be more likely.

The ed has become such a strong obsession and the behaviors have become so compulsory that I just can't stop... not on my own. I feel like an addict bec…

Happy California Day to Me

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One whole year

I made it. A whole year in California all by my lonesome. Of course, I wasn't alone, the Lord was with me the whole time. One year ago today, I embarked on an incredible journey of faith and fearlessness to the state of which I've always dreamed. God's wisdom lead me and His favor went before me and made a way for me (and still continues to do so). I write this post from my new housemate's home. I moved in with the best friend of my former house mom on July 1st and celebrated my first California fourth of July! Looking back over the past year, I can see how blessed I have been. How much God has done for me out of His faithfulness and provision. I'm sitting here in my housemate's backyard by their pool as the sun sets and takes the colors of the day with it, and I am so thankful to be where I am.

... I want to end this post at "... so thankful to be where I am." but I can't, though I am. This is the first I've written in a couple o…

Lighten Up

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What?

This is a spoken word piece I wrote on the first of this month after learning of the death of yet another young man with brown skin at the hands of the police. The following words come from a place of hurt and frustration and anger for the late child's family and friends and for all those who look like me and have dealt with this type of killing. It is heart wrenching and devastating that these types of murders are still taking place. My first thought after reading about Jordan Edwards, the boy who was murdered by a police officer, was, "Not again." When will it end?

You know what I find ironic and twisted? The fact that, according to this news article, Jordan got shot after he and his brothers were leaving a party because they heard gun shots. Wow.


Lighten Up
May 1, 2017

What will it take for me to be safe?
What will it take for me to no longer be a threat in your eyes?
Shall I bite my tongue at your command?
Make my palms open and plain for you to see?
Shall I hold them …

For a Moment

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May 3, 2017

An original poem inspired by a typically difficult eating experience that I got through with the much appreciated help of friends.


I did something without you today
Well, you were still there, I guess, in a way
But maybe the hunger helped silence your voice
Helped silence the demands you disguised as my choice
And I don't mean hunger for food or for drink
But something much deeper than what one would think
Something like freedom to pick and to choose
To settle on something without your abuse
But I know you're still there, lurking around
Waiting for all of this soon to go down
For now though, the voice of support's in my ear
Cheering me on and fighting the fear
"You'll regret it", you say
And I know this is true
But today, at least, I did something without you
Will it happen again?
That I don't know
Do I even want it to?
Only time will show

Please Don't Say You Don't See Color

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I'm Rayven

This is an original piece I wrote on January 23, 2017. Enjoy.

Don't use my ethnicity as a means to divide but use it as a means to understand where I'm from and what makes me different. I do see color and we should all see differences. To say we don't see color is weird and implies that differences are not good. It's okay to see me as a person who has brown skin, as long as you don't treat me badly because of it. It's okay and appropriate to notice that my skin's tone is different than yours, we learned how to distinguish colors in kindergarten. Just don't treat me with a lack of respect because of it. Don't let it divide us into a group of colors like we're a bunch of crayons. We aren't. I'm Rayven and I have so much to offer. I am kind and honest, I am creative and love to laugh. I love to inspire and encourage others. I can sing and write. I am worth more than the melanin of my skin. A brown crayon can only add color to a…