Literally never tasted this good

Wow, I have never been in a better place in my life...

So I've been out of treatment since early February and since then, things have been really interesting. Long story short, money for insurance was what ended my treatment. It was an abrupt finish and since I was no longer going to be in treatment, I could no longer be housed by the facility. I had no idea where I was going to live or what I was going to do. One thing, well two things, I could be certain of was that the Lord would provide for me and that ed behaviors could not be an option to cope. Don't misunderstand, I was stressed and fighting worry. I hadn't dealt with this type of unknown without using ed behaviors so this upset caused by one of my greatest fears (being evicted/kicked out/sudden relocation) was crushing. It was foreign, as last time I was homeless, I was heavily in the ed. I did not realize just how much anorexia kept me from feeling overwhelmed and unsafe until this t…


And goodbye...

Wow, another new year. We made it, everyone; we're here in 2018! This is such a significant year for me. So my birthday was just a few days ago and it was my Golden Birthday; I turned 27 on the 27th! I celebrated with people who care about me, I laughed, I ate what I wanted, I had fun. And I did all this while still in treatment. Thankfully, I was in PHP for a month so I had freedom to do what I wanted. I'm on my way to stepping down to IOP, too! I decided to start my 2018 (which I will now call my Golden Year) on my Golden Birthday. That meant I was buying gold everything since gold is my color of the year and most importantly, I was determined to give up the things that harm me; anorexia and all it's symptoms, negative thought patterns and core beliefs, self harm... Yes, self harm... again.

I say that with a sigh and a roll of my eyes because of how I've made that statement in the past. But you know what, it's a new year. I can start over and so can…

A Huge Step Forward

It's happening...

So tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow, Wednesday 4th, 2017, at 9:30 am, I am admitting myself into a treatment center out here in good ol' California. Wow...
How am I feeling?

Excited. Numb. Detached.Motivated.Willing.Ready.

This still feels so surreal. I can't believe this is actually going to happen. And at my choosing. The first time I went into treatment, outwardly it appeared that it was for my ed but really my motives were far from recovering. I was in a deep depression and that on top of my ed was enough to get me admitted. This time... it's different. Don't get me wrong, the depression is still super bad but it's not my main reason for going. It is a big reason though, because I know that anorexia keeps me from feeling it so overwhelmingly and if I were to try and increase my intake on my own, unsupervised, I wouldn't trust myself to maintain my safety. And I know this because that's exactly what was happening when I did try to up t…

Scared But Motivated

Going our separate ways

You're going to miss me. He said as I was packing to go to that shelter. I stayed silent and placed my clothes in my bags.
You know you are.
I sighed.
He got closer to me. You don't think you're going to miss me?
Yes! I mean... you can't act like it didn't happen.
What are you talking about?
The other day, when you showed up to my test. That's what I'm talking about.
Woah, calm down. I always come to your martial arts classes.
I rolled my eyes at how insensitive he was being. Yes, but this wasn't just a class. It was my test! And I almost missed it because of you. I could've failed! You came and distracted me and pulled me out in front of everyone. I was so embarrassed. And then you dragged me in the back and... you really hurt me. And if it hadn't been for the other members who saw what happened, I wouldn't have been able to finish.
Listen, I'm sorry, okay? He tried to soothe.
I moved away. No you're not.
Yes I am. And…

It's Been A While

And it's been dark...

Cutting straight to the chase, I've been in a horrible, horrible place. Suicidal thoughts have been running rampant, the depression has filled me and taken over my insides again, I've been incredibly detached and have dissociated to a degree the more the depression grows, and as far as my ed is concerned, it's been incredibly hard to fight. I've been sucked into it to the point that no number is low enough, food seems impossible to eat, I've made it a pound away to my lowest weight (though it still doesn't look like it to me but I can tell from the way my clothes fit), and I've come to the realization that if I don't get professional help, I'm going to die. Either slowly from the ed. Or quickly from the depression. And honestly, I feel the depression would be more likely.

The ed has become such a strong obsession and the behaviors have become so compulsory that I just can't stop... not on my own. I feel like an addict bec…

Happy California Day to Me

One whole year

I made it. A whole year in California all by my lonesome. Of course, I wasn't alone, the Lord was with me the whole time. One year ago today, I embarked on an incredible journey of faith and fearlessness to the state of which I've always dreamed. God's wisdom lead me and His favor went before me and made a way for me (and still continues to do so). I write this post from my new housemate's home. I moved in with the best friend of my former house mom on July 1st and celebrated my first California fourth of July! Looking back over the past year, I can see how blessed I have been. How much God has done for me out of His faithfulness and provision. I'm sitting here in my housemate's backyard by their pool as the sun sets and takes the colors of the day with it, and I am so thankful to be where I am.

... I want to end this post at "... so thankful to be where I am." but I can't, though I am. This is the first I've written in a couple o…

Lighten Up


This is a spoken word piece I wrote on the first of this month after learning of the death of yet another young man with brown skin at the hands of the police. The following words come from a place of hurt and frustration and anger for the late child's family and friends and for all those who look like me and have dealt with this type of killing. It is heart wrenching and devastating that these types of murders are still taking place. My first thought after reading about Jordan Edwards, the boy who was murdered by a police officer, was, "Not again." When will it end?

You know what I find ironic and twisted? The fact that, according to this news article, Jordan got shot after he and his brothers were leaving a party because they heard gun shots. Wow.

Lighten Up
May 1, 2017

What will it take for me to be safe?
What will it take for me to no longer be a threat in your eyes?
Shall I bite my tongue at your command?
Make my palms open and plain for you to see?
Shall I hold them …