Out Of Order

Inner Dialogue This is another painful one. A post I've been avoiding writing for a few days because I'm kinda embarrassed and don't want to disappoint anyone. But according to my belief of sharing where I am in the moment, here I go... Ugh... this is difficult. Okay, so I'm going to write this how it comes to me. Try to keep up. What does recovery even mean and how do I know if I'm doing it right? What is the measure of recovery? Is it how much I'm eating or the types of foods I'm eating? Is it not going to the gym to work out even though I could easily do so? Is it eating a whole pizza for dinner by oneself and not doing any compensatory behaviors afterwards? Is it being a continual support to those around me fighting the same battle but considering myself-- at times-- "the exception to the rule". Which I know I'm not, by the way. Screw this! Screw recovery! I hate it and I still don't want to do it! I hate it so much... You ...

**Before I continue, I want to share my motives for posting this. I thought it would be interesting to share what it's like having an eating disorder on good days . So often eating disorders are viewed only in relation to the trouble in one's life but they exist even when things are going well. With that being said, they are still life threatening and excruciating which is why I have the above picture up. Whether I am having a good day or not, my eating disorder is still loud and abrasive because that is its very nature. Please also be aware that this post may be triggering if you have an eating disorder. Read with caution. For best viewing of this post, please read it on your phone, as the fonts are different and won't show on a computer. A Fella Named Ed Sometimes I just don't need to eat, according to my abuser, I mean friend. Even if I'm having a great day, even if nothing scary or bad or worrisome has happened. "You don't need anything right...