Out Of Order

Going our separate ways You're going to miss me. He said as I was packing to go to that shelter. I stayed silent and placed my clothes in my bags. You know you are. I sighed. He got closer to me. You don't think you're going to miss me? Yes! I mean... you can't act like it didn't happen. What are you talking about? The other day, when you showed up to my test. That's what I'm talking about. Woah, calm down. I always come to your martial arts classes. I rolled my eyes at how insensitive he was being. Yes, but this wasn't just a class. It was my test! And I almost missed it because of you. I could've failed! You came and distracted me and pulled me out in front of everyone. I was so embarrassed. And then you dragged me in the back and... you really hurt me. And if it hadn't been for the other members who saw what happened, I wouldn't have been able to finish. Listen, I'm sorry, okay? He tried to soothe. I moved away. No you...

  I've relapsed   My relapse-- wow, saying that feels so weird-- has been something that I've been trying to keep off of this blog for a while, especially during these past winter holidays. I just didn't want to discuss it anymore. If I'm being honest, I feel nowhere near as positive as that picture I took of my journal. I awakened this morning, after having suffered a very torturous night filled with thoughts of how huge I failed for eating salad, fruit, and pretzel twists, and consequently making myself do workouts in the bed, and felt this desire to give recovery a try. I felt, for the first time since being diagnosed with an ed, that I may be ready for recovery. I just felt so tired of the bs that comes along with it and realized that I actually miss eating certain foods.   I can't do it now, eat I mean. It's so beyond hard and on some days, impossible. It's the most taxing thing I have to do in a day and that's sad. Even though I don...

A poem Ghost Here I am , right in front of you but you don't see me I'm disappearing and you don't notice I glide around seemingly effortlessly but on weak legs The skeletons you see hanging around are not for decoration The very slight and barely-there bluish tint in my nail beds is not makeup I'm cold. I'm freezing. There is a knock at my door and I open it...      "Trick or treat?" It asked. I should've kept all the lights off and put up a "Not Home" sign. But I didn't. I entertained the greeting. Would it have even mattered, had I done those things? I don't think so. I would still have been visited this night. I gave a treat and in turn received a trick A wonderful, fatal trick The carvings I had made before and set on my front porch did little to scare away all the goblins and ghouls which threatened and haunted me They cast their shadows through my windows and underneath my doors So this trick of mine was li...

Navigating through the labyrinth September 25th is a day that really sticks out for me this year. It was the first day of my treatment at the Renfrew residential facility in 2015. I spent a month there and walked away with... What did I walk away with? I feel as though I am supposed to have a plethora of feel good lessons I've learned along the way. After all, it's been a year. Well, I don't. I mean, I know how to exercise self care now and definitely make sure I'm getting it. My mood is a LOT more stable and the depression has gone waaaaaaay down. I've learned that it's okay for good things to happen to me and when they do, I enjoy the moment/s. I understand that I have boundaries and that I have a right (and responsibility) to use them. I know that I am deeply loved by my family and it's not something I doubt. But... I'm gathering my thoughts here because they seem to be scattered all around in my mind. They're hiding around up there and my s...

Inner Dialogue This is another painful one. A post I've been avoiding writing for a few days because I'm kinda embarrassed and don't want to disappoint anyone. But according to my belief of sharing where I am in the moment, here I go... Ugh... this is difficult. Okay, so I'm going to write this how it comes to me. Try to keep up. What does recovery even mean and how do I know if I'm doing it right? What is the measure of recovery? Is it how much I'm eating or the types of foods I'm eating? Is it not going to the gym to work out even though I could easily do so? Is it eating a whole pizza for dinner by oneself and not doing any compensatory behaviors afterwards? Is it being a continual support to those around me fighting the same battle but considering myself-- at times-- "the exception to the rule". Which I know I'm not, by the way. Screw this! Screw recovery! I hate it and I still don't want to do it! I hate it so much... You ...

Honesty This one reads more like a journal entry. I wrote the following on my phone almost a month ago and it's still pretty true. June 23, 2016 I still feel disgusting and disgusted with myself even though I'm eating more willingly now. It's coming from inside me, the disgust, and I can no longer project it onto my weight. Because I want my plumpness back, I have to eat a lot but at the same time I'm worried about getting too big and losing control due to what has always been my insatiable appetite. I hate this. And I feel self hatred. And when I'm trying too hard to be perfect is when I feel the most insecure and worthless and unloved. The more perfection I display, the more likely it is that something is going on that is overwhelming. Or just simply being overlooked. ... Back to the Present So that's how I was feeling and I'm still feeling some of that. But I'm also feeling confused about my eating and this whole process. I have no enc...

Because we are not monsters So today I found out on Facebook that it's Bi-Polar awareness day. There is an obvious stigma that those with Bi-Polar depression are crazy or lunatics. I wanted to post something on Facebook in honor of today but I felt too... embarrassed with the thought of everyone I know learning of my mood disorder. But I decided to make a post anyway. It was nerve wracking but it really shouldn't be. People with this disorder are not monsters or sociopaths. Often times, some of the most creative people have this form of depression and one them was the late Vincent Van Goh. The picture above is so captivating that I wonder what type of mood he was in when he got the inspiration for it. It seems to capture what the disorder feels like. The inky blackness of the depression, the swirling pale yellows of mania/hypomania. It's brilliant. If you or a loved one are dealing with or think you may be dealing with Bi-Polar depression, plea...

Just snap out of it If only it were that easy. If only I could. I try to ignore the fact that my mind is ill, that it doesn't feel as well as it should or as well as I tend to portray. I'm not supposed to have this type of problem, not me. How can I? No! It's a lie. It's just me being ridiculous, I need to just snap out of it. I need to pull myself together and stop making a big deal out of everything. Stop making things up. This  can not be my reality. But the sudden and extreme mood fluctuations are real . The daily battle of whether or not I deserve nourishment is real . The sticky  tar which I continuously have to fight is real . No! I just need to stop being so mopey. That's all. Think happy thoughts, think... happy... thoughts... why isn't it working?! I know! Just stop being such a worry wart, that's your problem. Easy fix. Just meditate on the Word, that's all. There, that's better. But the overwhelming anxiety is still suffocating m...

Why I need my eating disorder Yuck, I am disgusted at that. I literally want to go scrub my tongue or something. Ugh. The other day, I was asked if I want prayer for this struggle. I was honest and shook my head no. I was then asked if I want to get better. I responded with, "I don't wanna eat a whole bunch of food again." An easy cover up of the true reasons behind my "no".  As has been discussed throughout this blog, weight is not the only culprit. In fact, I wish it were. I truly wish that I had just been consumed with only my weight and that everything else in my life had been perfect. I wish that I had only wanted to lose a few pounds so I decided that skipping a few meals or purging would be an easy fix. I wish that's all that it ever was. But it wasn't and wishes are for fairy tales. Anorexia starves away emotions too difficult to deal with. Or perceived as too difficult too deal with. It keeps my head above water when the tides are eve...

Please, just slow down Be quiet. That's what I want to tell my mind to do. It has been so loud lately, especially at night. I am wondering if it has anything to do with  PMDD or the fact that I've been off of the meds for a few months-- though, I have been feeling alright for the most part, until recently, that is-- or Ed, or all three. It was spinning tonight, my mind. It still would be too, if it weren't for my writing this post right now. Busyness, that helps to keep the spinning at a low. That and distraction. My main two distractions have been college prep and the apprenticeship with Elevation. But issues, not necessarily concerning those two things, have risen lately and I've been feeling so many ways. I feel the  tar again, resting in me as it has been for weeks now. Please no, please don't come back. I must stay productive. I've been bombarded for the latter part of my day about how incompetent I am and how unlovable I am.  How I am "not...

  The Honest Truth Oh boy... This is something I have been feeling since... for a long time. But it's so much easier to write instead of say. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that I don't need God. HA! I need Jesus every single day of my life. The sole reason I am still alive is because of Him... What I  am saying is that I am perfectly fine. With Ed, I mean. So I don't need prayer. I really don't. You can pray for me about everything else. But not about this . Why not ? Simple. Because I'm fine. I'm really not that sick. I understand the disagreement between these words and previous ones but I am okay. I was contacted by the Frew last week and it's like they have this radar. This "sick" sense . But I don't know why they called me because I was never really sick to begin with. I'm fine. I was fine then and I'm fine now . Please understand, I'm not trying to be stubborn or difficult... I just... I don't ...

Awareness Feet in my chair, knees against my chest, I must have sat like that for the longest time before starting this post. I take long, hateful glances at the uneaten cereal, which has been sitting on my desk for at least 20 min, as if it has offended me in some way. Well, I do find its presence awful. My jaw is clenched and tears are hiding behind my eyes, waiting for the right moment to fall. There is a deep and heavy anger inside of me. I can't put off eating much longer. The first bite down, tears still hiding. A few more spoonfuls. I loathe it. How many more until the bowl is empty? Sit. Take a break . The letters on my keyboard look distorted through my welling tears. One slides down my cheek. I want to get back into bed. But I also want to get things done. Is the monster of depression feeding on me again, because I'm starting to feel listless. Please, leave me alone. I have work to do. I have to finish eating. I take several more bites while read...

I feel so unsafe So I was awakened this morning to the sound of someone in my house crying in distress. Now, I sleep with ear plugs in and on the first level of our house so my bedroom is the only one on the first floor. This person sounded really loud and I was startled awake. I listened carefully before removing my earplugs. After I took them out, I waited to hear more crying but there was nothing. No one was hurting or in danger. Just as I had suspected, it was another cruel trick my mind was playing on me. This happens often when I'm separated from my mom and sister. I could be in the bathroom, which is where it seems to happen most frequently, and suddenly I will hear what sounds like crying or fighting or yelling or arguing but it won't really be going on. It shakes me up quite badly, though, and sends me into a panic. I try to calm myself down and remind myself that it isn't real and that this is something my mind does but sometimes that doesn't work. I st...

Honesty Okay, so here is the part of my blog where we go deeper into the nitty gritty. Put on your boots because things are about to get messy *dramatic*. I've listed my struggles as well as my strengths which used to be struggles. This blog is all about authenticity and encouragement and hope. By putting myself on blast as well as celebrating my victories (as we were taught to do at the Frew), I figure it may encourage someone else. These lists are not to brag or an effort to become "perfect" by  overcoming every struggle. It's just proof that victory in my life with my own personal demons is more than possible. It's also to show the progress I've made so that I'm not consumed with my faults. I would greatly encourage you to make your own lists and if you are comfortable with it, share them with someone else and/or in the comments below for a sense of unity and understanding and even accountability. Even if you are not necessarily working o...