Out Of Order

What? This is a spoken word piece I wrote on the first of this month after learning of the death of yet another young man with brown skin at the hands of the police. The following words come from a place of hurt and frustration and anger for the late child's family and friends and for all those who look like me and have dealt with this type of killing. It is heart wrenching and devastating that these types of murders are still taking place. My first thought after reading about Jordan Edwards, the boy who was murdered by a police officer, was, "Not again." When will it end? You know what I find ironic and twisted? The fact that, according to this news article , Jordan got shot after he and his brothers were leaving a party because they heard gun shots. Wow. Lighten Up May 1, 2017 What will it take for me to be safe? What will it take for me to no longer be a threat in your eyes? Shall I bite my tongue at your command? Make my palms open and plain ...

May 3, 2017 An original poem inspired by a typically difficult eating experience that I got through with the much appreciated help of friends. I did something without you today Well, you were still there, I guess, in a way But maybe the hunger helped silence your voice Helped silence the demands you disguised as my choice And I don't mean hunger for food or for drink But something much deeper than what one would think Something like  freedom to pick and to choose To settle on something without your abuse But I know you're still there, lurking around Waiting for all of this soon to go down For now though, the voice of support's in my ear Cheering me on and fighting the fear "You'll regret it" , you say And I know this is true But today, at least, I did something without you Will it happen again? That I don't know Do I even want it to? Only time will show

One last NEDAW original poem I know I'm a few days late but I wanted to post this poem to end off Neda awareness week. I really hope this captures the frustration, competition, desperation, and misery that comes along with an ED. There is nothing fun about being ill with one and while weight should not be the focal point of an ED, this poem speaks on weight insecurities. For me, this is what having an ED feels like, this is what it feels like being the weight I am now and saying I "have an ED". EDs are not fun or something one does because they have or lack self control. They aren't something you try for a while then change your mind about. They are complex mental disorders and they wreak havoc and create/maintain chaos in our lives while promising to ease it. And many of us who have them know this, yet we are unable to stop... without help of some sort. If you find that you relate to any of these poems, please reach out and get help. Recovery is real and possibl...

The cost of living here I hope this poem gives a bit more insight as to what having an ed actually feels like. Of course, this is just my perspective and you may not even find you relate. But if you do at all, please reach out and get help. NEDA  is a really good place to start if you're unsure or scared of what getting help looks like. Even though I'm still struggling with my own ed, reaching out was one of the best things I've ever done and I would not hesitate in doing it all over if I had to. Getting help is scary and uncomfortable but it's harder to live with an ed with no Support . You deserve the peace that treatment or therapy or counseling can provide. You aren't alone. Strange New World Pt. 2 1-27-2017 The currency here is... Strange. You want to buy something to eat, a turkey sandwich, perhaps? That'll cost you five hours of your sanity and peace. Chips with that? Ooo, you don't have enough to cover the cost. Unless, of course... You ...

 Caution yourselves This poem has calorie and number talk but no mention of weight. Please read at your own risk and if you are struggling, please reach out to someone you trust. Sites such as NEDA  have great information and offer lots of support for those suffering  and I would encourage you to check them out if you or a loved one are struggling. Feedback is always appreciated. Strange New World Pt. 1 1-9-2017 Food stops looking appealing. It is no longer a juicy burger and fries but a series of numbers. 1000. 200. 15. It's no longer, "how much food did I eat" but "what were their numbers" Because I can eat a couple slices of 40 cal multigrain bread and some applesauce pouches at 50 cals each. But place in front of me a warm skillet with veggies and eggs and I'll turn it away because of the 340 calorie content. But they're both "safe" right? One is more nutritional than the other. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't mat...

More than meets the eye I wrote this in 2015 to express how having an ed isn't easily explained as a vain pursuit for thinness or simply having food issues. While physical manifestations may point to these things, eating disorders are about so, SO much more than what our bodies show (or don't show). If you are struggling with an eating disorder or you think you or someone you know may be, please get some help. There shouldn't be any shame attributed to taking care of your mental health but unfortunately, there is. Hopefully my blog and posts such as these can encourage you to take care of yourself and seek help despite the stigma surrounding doing so. The NEDA website is a great place start if you need resources. You were created with freedom  in mind and an ed is contrary to that freedom. Please choose recovery. Iceberg 6-27-2015 It's not just all about weight Or appearance Or even food It's about anxiety Control, fear, misery, worthlessness Hatred...

Another NEDAW poem Please reach out and get  help if you or someone you know is struggling with an ed. They are insidious mental disorders but can be overcome. NEDA's website offers a lot of resources for how to go about getting treatment as well as offers a lot information on what eds are and are not. I hope my original poem can offer insight on them as well. Enjoy and let me know what you think! It 6-17-2015 That creeping voice inside my head Angry, so angry Winding and twisting itself tightly around my mind like a vine Or a vice Barking at me over and over, a little more Starve a little more Exercise a little more It is never enough Never satisfied So I think, "A little more won't hurt" "I'm not that thin anyway" It  chimes in, You're not sick enough They don't believe you And it's true Who would believe me I'm too big It  is right Just a little more here and there Not too much Just enough to make a diffe...

Easier said than done An eating disorder is often viewed under the context of an abusive relationship, especially on my own blog. Here is an original poem I wrote to communicate that. If you can relate at all, please don't hesitate to seek help for yourself. The NEDA website  is a great first step and at any weight, you deserve the life saving intervention that treatment can provide. Even if it's just reaching out to  Someone Who loves you , don't stay silent. Recovery is possible. Leave comments and enjoy! Leave Him 2-23-2015 We all got seduced by the same abuser, Sly Mr. Stockholm, Suave and cunning. But he made us think we were the only ones That we were all alone He called us names like "worthless" and "failure" He would subject us to such pain and convince us it was for our benefit And we believed him He strung us along on barbed wire and when we'd cry out from the pain, he'd demean us and make us feel weak For being human...

NEDAW poem This is another original poem I wrote back in April 2015. With it, I hope to shed some light into the mental aspect of an ed, as we often hear a lot about the food, weight and physical aspects. If you're struggling with an ed or know someone who is, please reach out for  help or encourage them to get help. Whether it's Binge eating disorder, Bulimia, OSFED, Anorexia, or any other eating struggle, you need to get help. No one needs to struggle alone. As is mentioned on the NEDA website,  it's time to talk about it . Enjoy and as always, feedback is encouraged!  Asylum 04-18-2015 What is asylum? Wanting freedom. Being desperate. Painfully desperate for it. And admiring the chains that bind you. Rusty, heavy chains that bite into your flesh. Tear at your skin and puncture your wrists. " They're so strong, so sturdy ", you say dreamily. Each movement tightens their grip, your enslavement. But you don't mind so much. You've gr...

  My contribution to NEDA week I have skipped a few weeks of writing because I have been lacking serious motivation and have just been feeling an overall sense of "sucky". February 26-March 4 is the national eating disorder awareness week and I had originally planned on writing a few posts based on what an ed feels like and how the illness affects the loved ones of those with it in honor of it but like I said, no motivation. Tonight though, I was able to muster up some energy and decided to just post a few new original poems-- one for everyday of NEDAW-- depicting the chaos that an eating disorder can create. If you or a loved one are struggling with an eating disorder or think you may be, please reach out for help-- the NEDA website  is a great place for resources and help. Please know that eds are not a "lifestyle" or diet or lack of self control or will power. Please also know that you don't have to stay sick and that while you didn't choose to get...

A poem Ghost Here I am , right in front of you but you don't see me I'm disappearing and you don't notice I glide around seemingly effortlessly but on weak legs The skeletons you see hanging around are not for decoration The very slight and barely-there bluish tint in my nail beds is not makeup I'm cold. I'm freezing. There is a knock at my door and I open it...      "Trick or treat?" It asked. I should've kept all the lights off and put up a "Not Home" sign. But I didn't. I entertained the greeting. Would it have even mattered, had I done those things? I don't think so. I would still have been visited this night. I gave a treat and in turn received a trick A wonderful, fatal trick The carvings I had made before and set on my front porch did little to scare away all the goblins and ghouls which threatened and haunted me They cast their shadows through my windows and underneath my doors So this trick of mine was li...