Out Of Order

The cost of living here I hope this poem gives a bit more insight as to what having an ed actually feels like. Of course, this is just my perspective and you may not even find you relate. But if you do at all, please reach out and get help. NEDA  is a really good place to start if you're unsure or scared of what getting help looks like. Even though I'm still struggling with my own ed, reaching out was one of the best things I've ever done and I would not hesitate in doing it all over if I had to. Getting help is scary and uncomfortable but it's harder to live with an ed with no Support . You deserve the peace that treatment or therapy or counseling can provide. You aren't alone. Strange New World Pt. 2 1-27-2017 The currency here is... Strange. You want to buy something to eat, a turkey sandwich, perhaps? That'll cost you five hours of your sanity and peace. Chips with that? Ooo, you don't have enough to cover the cost. Unless, of course... You ...

 Caution yourselves This poem has calorie and number talk but no mention of weight. Please read at your own risk and if you are struggling, please reach out to someone you trust. Sites such as NEDA  have great information and offer lots of support for those suffering  and I would encourage you to check them out if you or a loved one are struggling. Feedback is always appreciated. Strange New World Pt. 1 1-9-2017 Food stops looking appealing. It is no longer a juicy burger and fries but a series of numbers. 1000. 200. 15. It's no longer, "how much food did I eat" but "what were their numbers" Because I can eat a couple slices of 40 cal multigrain bread and some applesauce pouches at 50 cals each. But place in front of me a warm skillet with veggies and eggs and I'll turn it away because of the 340 calorie content. But they're both "safe" right? One is more nutritional than the other. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't mat...

More than meets the eye I wrote this in 2015 to express how having an ed isn't easily explained as a vain pursuit for thinness or simply having food issues. While physical manifestations may point to these things, eating disorders are about so, SO much more than what our bodies show (or don't show). If you are struggling with an eating disorder or you think you or someone you know may be, please get some help. There shouldn't be any shame attributed to taking care of your mental health but unfortunately, there is. Hopefully my blog and posts such as these can encourage you to take care of yourself and seek help despite the stigma surrounding doing so. The NEDA website is a great place start if you need resources. You were created with freedom  in mind and an ed is contrary to that freedom. Please choose recovery. Iceberg 6-27-2015 It's not just all about weight Or appearance Or even food It's about anxiety Control, fear, misery, worthlessness Hatred...

Another NEDAW poem Please reach out and get  help if you or someone you know is struggling with an ed. They are insidious mental disorders but can be overcome. NEDA's website offers a lot of resources for how to go about getting treatment as well as offers a lot information on what eds are and are not. I hope my original poem can offer insight on them as well. Enjoy and let me know what you think! It 6-17-2015 That creeping voice inside my head Angry, so angry Winding and twisting itself tightly around my mind like a vine Or a vice Barking at me over and over, a little more Starve a little more Exercise a little more It is never enough Never satisfied So I think, "A little more won't hurt" "I'm not that thin anyway" It  chimes in, You're not sick enough They don't believe you And it's true Who would believe me I'm too big It  is right Just a little more here and there Not too much Just enough to make a diffe...

Easier said than done An eating disorder is often viewed under the context of an abusive relationship, especially on my own blog. Here is an original poem I wrote to communicate that. If you can relate at all, please don't hesitate to seek help for yourself. The NEDA website  is a great first step and at any weight, you deserve the life saving intervention that treatment can provide. Even if it's just reaching out to  Someone Who loves you , don't stay silent. Recovery is possible. Leave comments and enjoy! Leave Him 2-23-2015 We all got seduced by the same abuser, Sly Mr. Stockholm, Suave and cunning. But he made us think we were the only ones That we were all alone He called us names like "worthless" and "failure" He would subject us to such pain and convince us it was for our benefit And we believed him He strung us along on barbed wire and when we'd cry out from the pain, he'd demean us and make us feel weak For being human...

NEDAW poem This is another original poem I wrote back in April 2015. With it, I hope to shed some light into the mental aspect of an ed, as we often hear a lot about the food, weight and physical aspects. If you're struggling with an ed or know someone who is, please reach out for  help or encourage them to get help. Whether it's Binge eating disorder, Bulimia, OSFED, Anorexia, or any other eating struggle, you need to get help. No one needs to struggle alone. As is mentioned on the NEDA website,  it's time to talk about it . Enjoy and as always, feedback is encouraged!  Asylum 04-18-2015 What is asylum? Wanting freedom. Being desperate. Painfully desperate for it. And admiring the chains that bind you. Rusty, heavy chains that bite into your flesh. Tear at your skin and puncture your wrists. " They're so strong, so sturdy ", you say dreamily. Each movement tightens their grip, your enslavement. But you don't mind so much. You've gr...

  My contribution to NEDA week I have skipped a few weeks of writing because I have been lacking serious motivation and have just been feeling an overall sense of "sucky". February 26-March 4 is the national eating disorder awareness week and I had originally planned on writing a few posts based on what an ed feels like and how the illness affects the loved ones of those with it in honor of it but like I said, no motivation. Tonight though, I was able to muster up some energy and decided to just post a few new original poems-- one for everyday of NEDAW-- depicting the chaos that an eating disorder can create. If you or a loved one are struggling with an eating disorder or think you may be, please reach out for help-- the NEDA website  is a great place for resources and help. Please know that eds are not a "lifestyle" or diet or lack of self control or will power. Please also know that you don't have to stay sick and that while you didn't choose to get...

OCD is... Sleeping on my back with my hands not touching any part of my body because I'm afraid that whatever area they touch, I may get a disease there-- specifically, the Big C. Having "the Big C" word just pop in my mind during random times and quickly thinking of another word so I don't get it. Not wanting to hold a baby for fear that I may cause deliberate harm to it. Sitting on my hands while in the passenger side of the car because I'm worried that if I don't, I may lose control and grab the steering wheel and force us into on coming traffic. OCD is knowing I just flossed the right side of my teeth but doing it one more time because did I really ? It's checking my alarm over and over just to be sure it really is set for the correct time and that nothing changed within the last five seconds. This post has been a few months in the making (I originally planned on making this post earlier this year, shortly after I made the first post about mental ...

Suicide Prevention Month Today is the first day of Suicide Prevention Month. This is so important to me because it can be so easy to pass by someone who is hurting and not even notice their pain because they hide it so well. The picture of me above is from 2014 (if I recall correctly), Christmas time. Something that everyone knows about me is that I love Christmas and it is the happiest time for me. And that's what you'd get from looking at this picture. You'd see how I was very thorough in making sure that I was dressed in accordance with the holiday, even down to a jingle bell ring on my finger out of picture. What you wouldn't see is the evidence of the tears I shed moments after having taken the pic. You wouldn't see the gripping pain that accompanied me out of the bathroom and downstairs to where my mom and sis waited. And you wouldn't guess that I wanted nothing more than to be done with life. Nope, you'd see a happy, excited and ready-for-Christ...

It can start with us Today marks the first day ever of the World Eating Disorders Action Day! I am so hyped over this because it is so needed! I've mentioned before how eating disorders are shrouded in stigma but that's not even the worst part. Often times, those who struggle with eating disorders are denied treatment because they're deemed "not sick enough" ( by their insurance company )   or are discharged early ( again, thanks insurance companies ) because they are "weight restored". Excuse me for a moment while I go pull out my soapbox... It disgusts me that despite what therapists and counselors try to tell us about not defining ourselves by our ed and about seeking treatment early, we still have to be at a certain level of "sick" in the eyes of our insurance companies before we can be granted a life saving treatment. My head is shaven right now but if my hair were longer, I'd be pulling it out. It enrages me that we are made t...

This is a thing I am late in making this post but better late than never... So May is Mental Health Awareness month and I consider myself an advocate for all things mental health related, especially in areas that personally affect me. I love that a month is dedicated to spreading this type of awareness and I think it's a great way to get conversations started. A lot of times, we humans can be very calloused towards the situation of another if we ourselves have never experienced it. I find that to be especially true for those with mental illnesses. In my post about Bi-Polar Awareness, I noted that those with this type of mood disorder and other mental illnesses are not crazy or deranged. The mind is a delicate thing and certain life experiences can cause major disruptions to its processes and function. Some people are even born with a mental illness or are susceptible and predisposed to them due to their genes and family history. Let's take Eating Disorders, for ex...

Because we are not monsters So today I found out on Facebook that it's Bi-Polar awareness day. There is an obvious stigma that those with Bi-Polar depression are crazy or lunatics. I wanted to post something on Facebook in honor of today but I felt too... embarrassed with the thought of everyone I know learning of my mood disorder. But I decided to make a post anyway. It was nerve wracking but it really shouldn't be. People with this disorder are not monsters or sociopaths. Often times, some of the most creative people have this form of depression and one them was the late Vincent Van Goh. The picture above is so captivating that I wonder what type of mood he was in when he got the inspiration for it. It seems to capture what the disorder feels like. The inky blackness of the depression, the swirling pale yellows of mania/hypomania. It's brilliant. If you or a loved one are dealing with or think you may be dealing with Bi-Polar depression, plea...