Showing posts from January, 2016

When it's Not About Weight

I feel so unsafe

So I was awakened this morning to the sound of someone in my house crying in distress. Now, I sleep with ear plugs in and on the first level of our house so my bedroom is the only one on the first floor. This person sounded really loud and I was startled awake. I listened carefully before removing my earplugs. After I took them out, I waited to hear more crying but there was nothing. No one was hurting or in danger. Just as I had suspected, it was another cruel trick my mind was playing on me. This happens often when I'm separated from my mom and sister. I could be in the bathroom, which is where it seems to happen most frequently, and suddenly I will hear what sounds like crying or fighting or yelling or arguing but it won't really be going on. It shakes me up quite badly, though, and sends me into a panic. I try to calm myself down and remind myself that it isn't real and that this is something my mind does but sometimes that doesn't work.

I start to h…

Struggle to Strength


Okay, so here is the part of my blog where we go deeper into the nitty gritty. Put on your boots because things are about to get messy *dramatic*. I've listed my struggles as well as my strengths which used to be struggles. This blog is all about authenticity and encouragement and hope. By putting myself on blast as well as celebrating my victories (as we were taught to do at the Frew), I figure it may encourage someone else. These lists are not to brag or an effort to become "perfect" by overcoming every struggle. It's just proof that victory in my life with my own personal demons is more than possible. It's also to show the progress I've made so that I'm not consumed with my faults. I would greatly encourage you to make your own lists and if you are comfortable with it, share them with someone else and/or in the comments below for a sense of unity and understanding and even accountability. Even if you are not necessarily working on all of your i…

Genie or God?

Who is He

God, if you help me out of this situation, I'll go to church. I promise I'll straighten up my life. Have you ever prayed a prayer like that? One that comes from desperation? Lot's of us have, when life get's overwhelming and we feel that our backs are against the wall, we'll do anything to get out of it. And often times, that anything includes making promises that we either can't keep or simply have no intentions on keeping. Or "forget" about keeping. One reason that I believe people tend to stay away from God or the concept of Him is because of their expectations of Him and Who He is. Before we get into Who He is, let's go over Who He isn't.

God is not a genie or wizard, He is not a spell or fairy dust that we add to our lives to make them pain proof. And that's where a lot of the disgust towards God comes from. A lot of arguments between Christ followers and non followers usually involve the NF (I'm abbreviating non-follower…

Giving Up to Gain

Simply Put...

You do need Jesus, we all do. Call me whatever you want but there are only two types of people in the world: those who have Jesus and those who don't. The Bible reads in 2 Peter 3:9, that God is not willing that any should perish but that all would come to repentance. Repentance means change and the only way we can truly change is to place our life in the hands and care of the One Who created us. Now, obviously, not everyone is going to place their lives and belief in God but you can decide whether or not you want to be one who does. God's Spirit will and does draw us to Him and He places the desire or rather, awakens the desire within us to come to Him. It is up to us to either accept or reject what is at the root of that desire. Jesus.

You have to give up whatever is keeping you from giving your whole self to God. That hindrance may be pride or fear or arrogance or simple ignorance and a misunderstanding of Who God really is or any number of thing. Whatever it i…

Have You Found Jesus Yet?

Honestly, I didn't know He was missing

It irks me when people say that they "found Christ". I know exactly what they are implying but it's being phrased all wrong. Jesus is not lost, we are. He is seeking us and when we come to Him, it's because He found us, not the other way around. I was talking with a good friend of mine tonight and was trying to explain to him that although God is seeking us, He is not unaware of our whereabouts, our positions. He knows where we are but He wants us to choose Him out of a free will, not out of force. He will of course, tug at our hearts and draw us close to Him, but He will not make us accept Him. If we choose another route, He will not force us to make another turn or scream that we are going the wrong way. A comedian explained it like this: when using a navigational system and following it according to its prompts, we will get to where we need to be. But when we start to deviate from those directions, it redirects. It doesn&…

Seeking Serenity from Chaos: Mental Madness Pt. 1of 2


First off, Happy New Year everyone! I know for some of us, the end of December and the beginning of January feels like one continuous year with no break in between; I have felt that on numerous New Years' Eves. It's tough going into a new year like that because even though the years do change, our pain can still follow us into what had the potential of being a great year. And in my experience, it has been so difficult at times to view the new year in a positive light when the dim light from my past still flickered. There had to be a way out of it, out of the constraint of hopelessness. I was desperate for a distraction from the outside world with all of its unpredictable events. I reached into my box of "Serenity" and felt around for it. Yes, there it was! I pulled out a small bag marked OpenInCaseOfEmergency. I loosened the draw string around the neck and shook empty the bag. Out fell my emergency device: Perfectionism.

Perfectionism is not just doing so…

Hidding the Mirror (For Now)

But not the one you're thinking of

In a previous post, I mentioned that I was at a crossroad and that thoughts of discharging were constantly on my mind. However, in one of my very first posts on this blog, I spoke of starting this journey by taking a long look in the mirror to see the girl that God sees. Weeeell...

That mirror thing isn't as easy as I would like for it to be. I guess before I can see who God sees, I have to acknowledge who and what I see and then look past that or allow God to take my sight past that so that what He sees will be what I see. Buuuut... I'm not ready for that. I mean, I'm totally fine with seeing myself through His eyes but before I can get there, I have to stare at all the crap and dirt covering my mirror. And I would much rather just leave it alone. I'm okay with squinting through the smeared spots on the glass and trying to make out a reflection of some sort. Hmm, now that I give words to that thought, it doesn't sound so belie…