Am I Doing This Right?
This is another painful one. A post I've been avoiding writing for a few days because I'm kinda embarrassed and don't want to disappoint anyone. But according to my belief of sharing where I am in the moment, here I go...
Ugh... this is difficult.
Okay, so I'm going to write this how it comes to me. Try to keep up.
What does recovery even mean and how do I know if I'm doing it right? What is the measure of recovery? Is it how much I'm eating or the types of foods I'm eating? Is it not going to the gym to work out even though I could easily do so? Is it eating a whole pizza for dinner by oneself and not doing any compensatory behaviors afterwards? Is it being a continual support to those around me fighting the same battle but considering myself-- at times-- "the exception to the rule". Which I know I'm not, by the way.
Screw this! Screw recovery! I hate it and I still don't want to do it! I hate it so much... You may ask, "But why? You've been talking so much about how God is blessing you. Why are you still struggling?" It's not about what God is or isn't doing for me. My struggle with this has never been about the Lord's involvement in my life. I'm not being ungrateful, I'm not being unappreciative. I just... I don't know. I don't want to seem as if I'm fighting everything because I'm not... There are just so many things that I (apparently) am still not ready to deal with and every time I feel like I am getting anywhere... Well, you know what they say: recovery can feel like one step forward and two steps back. How can I still be dealing with this, though, in the midst of all this good and happy that has been and is happening to me? Am I being selfish? Self-centered? And what about those who are standing behind me? What of my sweet mother whom I just wrote about? Am I deliberately ignoring her and everyone else's plea for me to "get/stay healthy"?
Am I??? No, I'm not. I'm resisting a lot of things that I need to resist but I'm also not really pushing myself as far as recovery is concerned. I'm very present in what God is doing with me right now (and I love it!) but I'm also still very detached from those "icky" emotions. I'm frustrated with this part of my life but at the same time, I'm not ready for this part of my life to be "not a part of my life". I know there is no such thing as being the "perfect patient" or "being perfect" at recovery... But am I doing it right? It would be great if there were some magic wand of some sort to just poof everything better. But then this wouldn't be called life. I'm just frustrated with this whole, stupid process. It's annoying and tedious. I'm sorry to anyone whom I may have let down in sharing this.