Am I Doing This Right?


Inner Dialogue

This is another painful one. A post I've been avoiding writing for a few days because I'm kinda embarrassed and don't want to disappoint anyone. But according to my belief of sharing where I am in the moment, here I go...
Ugh... this is difficult.
Okay, so I'm going to write this how it comes to me. Try to keep up.

What does recovery even mean and how do I know if I'm doing it right? What is the measure of recovery? Is it how much I'm eating or the types of foods I'm eating? Is it not going to the gym to work out even though I could easily do so? Is it eating a whole pizza for dinner by oneself and not doing any compensatory behaviors afterwards? Is it being a continual support to those around me fighting the same battle but considering myself-- at times-- "the exception to the rule". Which I know I'm not, by the way.

Screw this! Screw recovery! I hate it and I still don't want to do it! I hate it so much... You may ask, "But why? You've been talking so much about how God is blessing you. Why are you still struggling?" It's not about what God is or isn't doing for me. My struggle with this has never been about the Lord's involvement in my life. I'm not being ungrateful, I'm not being unappreciative. I just... I don't know. I don't want to seem as if I'm fighting everything because I'm not... There are just so many things that I (apparently) am still not ready to deal with and every time I feel like I am getting anywhere... Well, you know what they say: recovery can feel like one step forward and two steps back. How can I still be dealing with this, though, in the midst of all this good and happy that has been and is happening to me? Am I being selfish? Self-centered? And what about those who are standing behind me? What of my sweet mother whom I just wrote about? Am I deliberately ignoring her and everyone else's plea for me to "get/stay healthy"?

Am I??? No, I'm not. I'm resisting a lot of things that I need to resist but I'm also not really pushing myself as far as recovery is concerned. I'm very present in what God is doing with me right now (and I love it!) but I'm also still very detached from those "icky" emotions. I'm frustrated with this part of my life but at the same time, I'm not ready for this part of my life to be "not a part of my life". I know there is no such thing as being the "perfect patient" or "being perfect" at recovery... But am I doing it right? It would be great if there were some magic wand of some sort to just poof everything better. But then this wouldn't be called life. I'm just frustrated with this whole, stupid process. It's annoying and tedious. I'm sorry to anyone whom I may have let down in sharing this.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

October 25, 2015

Image
Odd one out So I have always felt like the girl who didn't belong. In school growing up, at former churches (sad, I know), at work, I just felt like I could not fit in or "join" any group. I was always the odd one. I didn't, however, feel this way with my family; I felt fine around my mom and sister. Sure, I felt pressure and a heavy weight of responsibility but I didn't feel like an outcast. Not until October 25, 2015. You see that blue pencil up there? That was me after returning from Res, I was broken. I was broken and everyone around me knew it. I couldn't hide it or cover it up anymore. I was an alien compared to those closest to me, my brain and the way it worked was different. And the difference was so visible to me as I immersed myself back into "home" life. The way I related to food was so different than those who lived with me. It's hard to explain but I can feel the difference in myself, in my brain. I can tell how different I am c
Read more

I Am Not Put Together, Not Tidy

Image
But Jesus still wants me I have many cracks. I worry about everything. I judge myself and sometimes others. I try to be perfect. I struggle with boundary setting. I have yet to master handling my anger in a Godly way. I'm in an abusive relationship which I'm sorta okay with. I hide insecurities by focusing on others. I hide pain by focusing on others. I doubt my salvation and fear I am just pretending. I doubt how I can still be used by God. I find it hard to forgive. I have endless fear induced obsessions. I don't see my worth and I receive God's love to an extent. Sometimes, I just don't care about doing right. I have a tendency to nurse a grudge like a sick toddler. I think the worst of myself and sometimes I think the worst of others. It's hard for me to commit to living by The Love Chapter (1st Corinthians 13). But Jesus still wants me. I give others advice that I myself find a daunting, excruciating task. Sometimes I use words which others might co
Read more

For Me

Image
Never About ... Possibly triggering... It was never about trying to be Barbie's bff or about getting the attraction of Ken. I never wanted to appear like the malnourished looking models that "grace" our magazines or be as thin as the mannequins that modeled their fashion. But I have wanted the infamous thigh gap , just waaaay before those two words were ever used together. Way before it seemed to be a "trend". I never even called it that as I fantasized about having tinier thighs. I just remember looking at myself as a child and hating what I saw. I hated the way my legs touched. I wanted so much for them to be apart, so as to allow a small glimmer of light to shine between them when I stood or sat. I just wanted to be able to slip my hand between them easily without feeling their flesh brushing against my fingers. It was never about looking like those around me, but about strength. I had to be fit and toned and  strong. Everything on me needed to be pe
Read more