Out Of Order

Not Always the Most Wonderful Time of the Year... So I know in a previous post I mentioned how this time of the year is my all time favorite. I talked about the wonders of Christmas and how joyous it is for me. I do realize, however, that not everyone feels this same way. For a lot, the Christmas season brings about heavy depression and sadness. Whether due to bad memories or family conflicts and fighting or the stress and anxiety which comes from prepping for the big day, for so many, this holiday is just too much to handle. And if you're struggling with mental illness on top of this, it can be especially painful. People mean well (sometimes) when they tell others who are depressed to "cheer up" or "be positive" and the like but depression does not just go away by thinking about sunshine and rainbows. In my life with depression, "cheering up" was just not an option. Not only that but I was completely void of positivity and felt that the life

Today was a rough day. It was very difficult getting out of bed this morning. I felt sluggish and lethargic and had no desire to face the world. Not only was I not feeling well physically, but mentally I was spent. There were times where I felt my mind was spinning a bit and every movement took tremendous effort. I was exhausted before I even began. I stayed in my room for most of the day trying to rest and listening to Christmas music. I usually keep the station on 90.7 and during Christmas time, a mixture of both Christmas and Christ centered music is played. It seemed as though every song that was not about jingle bells and Frosty was about God's grace. One of my favorite songs by Big Daddy Weave called My Story has such an impact on me every time I hear it. The chorus is what touches me the most, "if I should speak, then let it be of the grace that is greater than all my sin ...". It just brings me in remembrance of God's amazing grace and how no matter wha

Christmas Time!! So remember when I said there was only one holiday that trumps Thanksgiving? Christmas!!!! I absolutely love Christmas. The lights, the scents of sugar plum lotions and sprays, the adorable winter themed characters. Everything about it just puts me in such a great mood. My family and I usually start decorating in October; tree up and adorned with lights and bows on banisters and chairs. Just the thought of it puts a smile on my face.  I don't really have a clear cut path for this post, I'm just excited for Christmas. In a way, that is similar to my situation right now. I don't really have a clear cut path for my life but instead of the excitement I feel for Christmas, this terrifies me. It frustrates me and wears on my hope. I'm not going to give a sob story, just stating where I am right now. I'm also not looking for advice, I'm just venting. This is hard and treatment makes it all harder. I'm still taking it one day at a time and sti