For Me

Never About
... Possibly triggering...

It was never about trying to be Barbie's bff or about getting the attraction of Ken.
I never wanted to appear like the malnourished looking models that "grace" our magazines or be as thin as the mannequins that modeled their fashion.
But I have wanted the infamous thigh gap, just waaaay before those two words were ever used together. Way before it seemed to be a "trend". I never even called it that as I fantasized about having tinier thighs. I just remember looking at myself as a child and hating what I saw. I hated the way my legs touched. I wanted so much for them to be apart, so as to allow a small glimmer of light to shine between them when I stood or sat. I just wanted to be able to slip my hand between them easily without feeling their flesh brushing against my fingers.
It was never about looking like those around me, but about strength. I had to be fit and toned and strong. Everything on me needed to be perfectly chiseled and etched. So that I'd be good enough. 
It was never about being a fragile, weak girl. It was all about being healthy and taking care of myself. I couldn't care less about what the rest of society looked like.
It was never about trying to fit their standard or perception of what beauty is or should be.
It was never about being called fat-- although past weight remarks concerning my weight have only agreed with what my own thoughts had already been saying to me.
It was never about scars from sexual or physical abuse.
It was never about having my heart broken by a boy or being told that I wasn't pretty enough. It was never about those things.
And it still isn't about those things.

**If for you, your ed intertwines with any of the reasons that were "never" for me, there is nothing wrong with that. Own it because your reasons are unique to you and nothing can change what your catalyst was. As always, I'm merely speaking from what is unique to me.

Comments

  1. I can so relate!!!! YES, I don't care about what other people think of me but at the same time I had this body image I wanted. I don't care about fitting in with the world and people. I put those issue behind me a long time ago but being comfortable in my own skin in my head and heart is important. When I was younger I didn't like my thighs touching and found myself with a eating disorder (didn't know it at the time). I ate ones a week and found myself very small. Now, being comfortable with me and knowing I am enough is enough because God said so and not because head talk or the world says otherwise. I know people think i am different and I may even come across as insecure but I know me and that's enough too. Your message really blessed me. Your words were on point.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can so relate!!!! YES, I don't care about what other people think of me but at the same time I had this body image I wanted. I don't care about fitting in with the world and people. I put those issue behind me a long time ago but being comfortable in my own skin in my head and heart is important. When I was younger I didn't like my thighs touching and found myself with a eating disorder (didn't know it at the time). I ate ones a week and found myself very small. Now, being comfortable with me and knowing I am enough is enough because God said so and not because head talk or the world says otherwise. I know people think i am different and I may even come across as insecure but I know me and that's enough too. Your message really blessed me. Your words were on point.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you so much Lorraina for leaving this. I can't believe you related so much. Usually when I post, I wonder who I am reaching or relating to. It's so encouraging to see that what I express, others can understand or relate to.

    ReplyDelete

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