Taking off the Mask
... I am not perfect.
This is a personal declaration to myself. I am not perfect. Obviously, because I'm human but that simple statement is so hard for me to accept. I don't think that I'm perfect and unlike Beyoncé's over inflated self esteem, I know I'm not flawless. In fact, if I were to post a picture of how I look when I wake up, I'm sure that some of the traffic to this blog would decrease. The reason this is such a hated concept for me is because of my desire to be perfect. Not better-than-everyone-else perfect but good enough perfect. I've always had a problem with not feeling good enough and accepting myself the way that I am. I'm not good enough as a sister, as a daughter, as a Christian. I'm not good enough to be successful or to even write this blog. I am not good enough. And if I am not good enough for myself, well, who will I ever be good enough for?
Ah, of course. I know that through and through (or maybe not as thoroughly as I think). But if I'm being honest, most days that knowledge is not enough to frighten away my insecurities and silence my negative self talk. According to God, I am (as are you) altogether beautiful and there is no flaw in me (Song of Solomon 4:7). According to Rayven, I have mental lists of all my shortcomings and I'm not really sure that I've ever considered myself as beautiful. So what do I do? I use my perfectionism as a way to feel good enough about myself and the things that I do. If I cross reference everything and correct every mistake, every screw up, then I'll be perfect and my efforts will result in perfection. And if I can wear this mask tightly enough, maybe I'll finally be good enough for myself.
Do you know what happens when you wear something too tightly? You lose circulation. And if proper blood flow isn't restored, eventually cells can get damaged and die, ultimately resulting in amputation. Well, this is me trying to restore blood flow. I'm taking off the mask and am going to take a long look at myself. I'm going to look at and embrace the girl who hid herself-- and still does to an extent-- for so long. I am on a journey to find the girl who God sees. The girl who is altogether beautiful. I do not have all the answers nor do I know how to perfectly use the ones I do have but I am making an effort and doing my best.
And my best is good enough.