I Am Not Put Together, Not Tidy

But Jesus still wants me

I have many cracks. I worry about everything. I judge myself and sometimes others. I try to be perfect. I struggle with boundary setting. I have yet to master handling my anger in a Godly way. I'm in an abusive relationship which I'm sorta okay with. I hide insecurities by focusing on others. I hide pain by focusing on others. I doubt my salvation and fear I am just pretending. I doubt how I can still be used by God. I find it hard to forgive. I have endless fear induced obsessions. I don't see my worth and I receive God's love to an extent. Sometimes, I just don't care about doing right. I have a tendency to nurse a grudge like a sick toddler. I think the worst of myself and sometimes I think the worst of others. It's hard for me to commit to living by The Love Chapter (1st Corinthians 13). But Jesus still wants me.

I give others advice that I myself find a daunting, excruciating task. Sometimes I use words which others might consider unwholesome. I have tattoos and self inflicted scars. I don't always give God my focus. Sometimes I forget important things. I switch my numbers around too much (and I'm a cashier!). I obsess over my outward appearance. I can be self absorbed. I can be antagonistic. I am afraid of abandonment. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid. But Jesus still wants me.

I commit unintentional sin. I sometimes- though not habitually- commit intentional sin. I'm directionally challenged, as in I mix up my left and my right. I don't always spend time in the Word. Nor do I always rest in God's Presence. I sometimes have unruly thoughts and desires and have watered weeds that I should have pulled out. I get super grumpy and annoyed if I'm awakened before my alarm goes off. And my sarcasm is sometimes very sharp. But Jesus. Still. Wants me. 
And I want Him.

Comments

  1. WOW!!! I can definitely relate to your post. I am pretty sure most people if not all will pull something from your transparent sharing!!! I am SOOOOOO very proud of you!!! Especially, when you say even though the struggles and shortcomings that GOD STILL LOVES ME! HE really does and that is the AWESOME part about HIS LOVE!!!

    Andrea

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  2. WOW!!! I can definitely relate to your post. I am pretty sure most people if not all will pull something from your transparent sharing!!! I am SOOOOOO very proud of you!!! Especially, when you say even though the struggles and shortcomings that GOD STILL LOVES ME! HE really does and that is the AWESOME part about HIS LOVE!!!

    Andrea

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you so much, Mrs Andrea!! It was just on my heart that day, among many other things. I just felt it being reassured so firmly.

    ReplyDelete

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