The "T" Word


This is one of my favorite holidays, or at least was, with the warmth of family, friends, food. There is only one holiday that tops it but that's for another post. For so many, this day is one to be celebrated but for those with eating disorders, this can be a dreadful day. And it's hard to explain exactly why this can be so troublesome for us. In treatment last week, we were given a prompt in the Body Image group. We were to express ourselves in whichever medium we chose with our bodies as the subject. Since I'm a pretty good writer-- or so I've been told-- I decided to use poetry. I hope this can provide some insight of the reality for many with eating disorders, especially during the holidays. And I hope that everyone out there, eating disordered or not, has a wonderful Thanksgiving.

                                                               What I See

Disgusting. Too big. Gross.
                        That's what I see when I look
                        at the plate
Full. Stuffed.
                        That's how I feel in relation to 
                        my body and the food before it ever reaches my lips
Where you see delicious, buttery mashed potatoes,
                       succulent ham and savory veggies,
                       I see insecurities
                       I see failures
                       and shame
Would you want to eat the bitterness 
                       of your pain
                       Swallowing the pungent taste
of your misery
                       Of course not
                       But that's what I'm expected to do
Because every forkful holds my brokenness
                       like shards of glass
                       Slivers of it getting caught
in my gums and between my teeth
                       A painful reminder
                       of my ever failing quest
To be good enough
                       So for you it may be
                       Just another meal
A time to celebrate with family and friends
                       A day filled with good eats
And sweet treats
                       You may see joy
                       And laughter
And love
                       Well for me
                        That's not what I see


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