Hidding the Mirror (For Now)

But not the one you're thinking of

In a previous post, I mentioned that I was at a crossroad and that thoughts of discharging were constantly on my mind. However, in one of my very first posts on this blog, I spoke of starting this journey by taking a long look in the mirror to see the girl that God sees. Weeeell...

That mirror thing isn't as easy as I would like for it to be. I guess before I can see who God sees, I have to acknowledge who and what I see and then look past that or allow God to take my sight past that so that what He sees will be what I see. Buuuut... I'm not ready for that. I mean, I'm totally fine with seeing myself through His eyes but before I can get there, I have to stare at all the crap and dirt covering my mirror. And I would much rather just leave it alone. I'm okay with squinting through the smeared spots on the glass and trying to make out a reflection of some sort. Hmm, now that I give words to that thought, it doesn't sound so believable. Well, it sounded better in my head.

... So, I discharged myself maybe a week before Christmas. I had a follow up appointment on Monday and due to the relapse I made within that break period, I'm recommended for Day Treatment, again. I have no grudge against my treatment team or even the center itself. Sure there were disagreements but even the best of friends will not always see eye to eye. The reason I chose to discharge myself against their advice is because... I'm not as ready as I thought to deal with what's being uncovered. Emotions are on over drive, repressed memories are being awakened and taking shape in the form of nightmares as I sleep and obsessive thoughts during the day; I'm on the verge of panic attacks weekly. It's overwhelming. And, yes, it's scary. Other urges are increasing and I feel like I'm spinning again.

Was it the smartest thing to do? The wisest? I'm leaning towards no. And that's a huge no. I'll admit, I panicked. The ride was getting too rocky, the train was going too fast and there was nothing but blurriness out the windows. So I squeezed the emergency break and got off at the next stop. This doesn't mean that I will never look into the mirror again but I think for now I will stick to the compact sized ones.


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