Don't Pray For Me

 

The Honest Truth

Oh boy... This is something I have been feeling since... for a long time. But it's so much easier to write instead of say.
Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that I don't need God. HA! I need Jesus every single day of my life. The sole reason I am still alive is because of Him...
What I am saying is that I am perfectly fine. With Ed, I mean. So I don't need prayer. I really don't. You can pray for me about everything else. But not about this. Why not? Simple. Because I'm fine. I'm really not that sick. I understand the disagreement between these words and previous ones but I am okay. I was contacted by the Frew last week and it's like they have this radar. This "sick" sense. But I don't know why they called me because I was never really sick to begin with. I'm fine. I was fine then and I'm fine now. Please understand, I'm not trying to be stubborn or difficult... I just... I don't want to talk about this Ed stuff anymore. I don't want to recover because it's not something I need to do because I'm fine. Ugh. This is bleak. And I'm sorry that you have to read this, especially if you care about me... and if you are my mother. 

This is crazy. How do I go from, "I'm taking a long look in the mirror, blah, blah, blah", to breaking everything that even remotely looks reflective...

I try to always remain transparent on here, especially when I am feeling heavy and I'm feeling super heavy right now. For a while, actually. How can I go on encouraging others in recovery when this shows resistance to it? But I'm not against it for others, it's just not necessary for me. I don't want help. I don't need help. Because I'm okay...

I'll take hypocrite for $1000, please, Alex! I don't want you to feel sorry for me or pity me at all. I just felt as though I had to be honest with where I am right now. I just felt (and still feel and will probably continue to feel) like I'm being two faced, especially now in light of this post, because I'm so "Rah, Rah, hiss boom bah! Recovery!" for everyone else and not very motivated for myself. Back in treatment, we would often discuss our motivation to get better, to get healthy, and my motivation was constantly low. It still is low. I don't know... What am I trying to say? That I don't want any prayer about this? Yes! That I want you to leave me alone? Yes... well, no... ugh... Let's just not talk about Ed for a long time. Okay? You don't have to ask me how he's treating me or about meals that day or symptoms... I'm good. So it's really all unnecessary. I am trying to focus on the new and exciting things that are happening to me and all of this "Ed talk" is getting in the way. Now I know that you prayer warriors out there are going to use this as fodder to pray even more, which is whatever, I can't really stop you. But just don't share it with me. Because I can't really receive that nor is it something I want. And because of such, Ed feeds off of it (bad time for puns?). Please note that if you find yourself unable to restrain from sharing, my response will not be one of enthusiasm but politeness.

I really do love all of you who support me and love me through this and meet me with grace and patience. I just had to be real with how I'm feeling.

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