Running from God's Love


Sometimes it stings

One of my favorite movies is Good Will Hunting because c'mon, who doesn't like that movie? Robin Williams and Matt Damon were outstanding; it is a beautifully written film! If you've seen it, I'm sure you remember that scene in which Robin's character, Sean, was repeating to Will that "it wasn't his fault" and how the more Will heard it, the more he began to pull away until eventually, he broke down in the doctor's arms. Here's a refresher (and some tissues) just in case...
Oh, wow. This right here. I can identify with this so much. As desperate as Will was to hear that all the years of abuse he suffered at his father's hands was not his fault, when he finally heard it, it was too much. It hurt to hear. That's what my interpretation of this scene is anyway. How many of us are so desperate for love that when we finally get it, we pull away? Isn't the mind and how it works incredible? This is where I am, with God's love. His love is amazing and relentless and pure. And it stings. I hope I'm not painting a bad picture of the love of Jesus; I'm searching for the right words to say. It stings, I guess, because I feel so unloved. So unlovable and worthless. Oh crap, did I say that out loud? Ugh. For so long I have been wondering why I am pulling away from His love. It's not because I don't believe it or think it's real. It's because it cuts me. The more He reaches out to embrace me, the more I lean back. When I hear songs on the radio about how deep and wide His love is, everything in me wants to change it and turn it off. And I'd be lying if I said that I don't do that lots of times.
 
Don't love me, God. Please, just leave me alone. You can't love me, I don't want you to love me. Please, just stop. These are my actual words to Him when I feel Him saying "It's not your fault", just a little too much. It's so bizarre but some part of me just can't handle it. And in my quest to find out why, God brought this scene to my memory. It explains it more than I can. This is probably the part of my post where I go on to leave a super encouraging line or verse. While there are many scriptures I could post and I'm sure I could come up with something cliché to serve as a cheer, it would feel way to hypocritical to do so because I am not there yet. This is what I meant by how I'm spiritually hiding. Throughout my day, as I feel God's breathtaking love pour over my wounds, I recoil sometimes, backing away as if it's something harmful seeping into my pores. But the conundrum is, I know it isn't. I know that God's love is what my soul, all of me, needs. And I have accepted this many years ago. But allowing Him to apply His soothing balm to my scars and cuts and scrapes is very painful right now. And I can't explain why.
 
The Bible tells us that nothing can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus* and though I know and believe that to be Truth, I... sometimes... find myself... wanting Him to separate Himself from me. To leave me and abandon me. Sometimes I feel as if I am in a relationship screaming at my true love to, "Get away from me, leave me alone!" And He loving responds with, "I will never leave you nor forsake you. I will always be here for you*." Huh, now that I see it written out, I suppose that is exactly what it happening.
 
If you are going through this or identify with any of the above, whether you follow Jesus or not, I'm afraid I don't have an appropriate pick me up, if you will. And I'm sorry. But my prayer is that we both will come to a place where we can break down in His arms and eventually become the Will to His Dr. Sean.
 
*Romans 8:39, Hebrews 13:5 (check out the Amplified Bible's version of this verse!!), Matthew 28:20

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

October 25, 2015

Image
Odd one out So I have always felt like the girl who didn't belong. In school growing up, at former churches (sad, I know), at work, I just felt like I could not fit in or "join" any group. I was always the odd one. I didn't, however, feel this way with my family; I felt fine around my mom and sister. Sure, I felt pressure and a heavy weight of responsibility but I didn't feel like an outcast. Not until October 25, 2015. You see that blue pencil up there? That was me after returning from Res, I was broken. I was broken and everyone around me knew it. I couldn't hide it or cover it up anymore. I was an alien compared to those closest to me, my brain and the way it worked was different. And the difference was so visible to me as I immersed myself back into "home" life. The way I related to food was so different than those who lived with me. It's hard to explain but I can feel the difference in myself, in my brain. I can tell how different I am c
Read more

No One Would Have Guessed

Image
Suicide Prevention Month Today is the first day of Suicide Prevention Month. This is so important to me because it can be so easy to pass by someone who is hurting and not even notice their pain because they hide it so well. The picture of me above is from 2014 (if I recall correctly), Christmas time. Something that everyone knows about me is that I love Christmas and it is the happiest time for me. And that's what you'd get from looking at this picture. You'd see how I was very thorough in making sure that I was dressed in accordance with the holiday, even down to a jingle bell ring on my finger out of picture. What you wouldn't see is the evidence of the tears I shed moments after having taken the pic. You wouldn't see the gripping pain that accompanied me out of the bathroom and downstairs to where my mom and sis waited. And you wouldn't guess that I wanted nothing more than to be done with life. Nope, you'd see a happy, excited and ready-for-Christ
Read more

For Me

Image
Never About ... Possibly triggering... It was never about trying to be Barbie's bff or about getting the attraction of Ken. I never wanted to appear like the malnourished looking models that "grace" our magazines or be as thin as the mannequins that modeled their fashion. But I have wanted the infamous thigh gap , just waaaay before those two words were ever used together. Way before it seemed to be a "trend". I never even called it that as I fantasized about having tinier thighs. I just remember looking at myself as a child and hating what I saw. I hated the way my legs touched. I wanted so much for them to be apart, so as to allow a small glimmer of light to shine between them when I stood or sat. I just wanted to be able to slip my hand between them easily without feeling their flesh brushing against my fingers. It was never about looking like those around me, but about strength. I had to be fit and toned and  strong. Everything on me needed to be pe
Read more