Another One of Those Days
Please, just slow down
Be quiet. That's what I want to tell my mind to do. It has been so loud lately, especially at night. I am wondering if it has anything to do with PMDD or the fact that I've been off of the meds for a few months-- though, I have been feeling alright for the most part, until recently, that is-- or Ed, or all three. It was spinning tonight, my mind. It still would be too, if it weren't for my writing this post right now. Busyness, that helps to keep the spinning at a low. That and distraction. My main two distractions have been college prep and the apprenticeship with Elevation. But issues, not necessarily concerning those two things, have risen lately and I've been feeling so many ways.
I feel the tar again, resting in me as it has been for weeks now. Please no, please don't come back. I must stay productive. I've been bombarded for the latter part of my day about how incompetent I am and how unlovable I am. How I am "not enough" at my core. That God can't use me and I am just a fake. In my relationship with Him, in my ed, in whatever way there is to be a fake, I am that. I felt on the verge of a panic attack during dinner prep and anxiety has been whispering to me non stop. I don't even particularly feel anxious about one thing, I just feel anxious. I am exhausted and overwhelmed to the point of forgetfulness and I feel drained and lethargic. I am reminded of how I felt before I started treatment. Dead. I just felt dead. I am not saying I feel that now, but it feels close by. Problematic urges are rising and I have been struggling with an anger that will not go away.
How can I be a part of a worship team when I'm such an angry person? How can I even write this blog with everything inside of me? I'm such a hypocrite. Such a fake. I need to talk to the pastor and tell him I can no longer serve. How can I when I'm such a mess? I'm not good enough. Why is my mind so unstable? I am not doing enough of something to still be dealing with all this. I have so many problems, what is wrong with me? Why can I not be like them? I can not still be useful to the Lord like this. Just stop fighting it, it doesn't matter anymore. I just want everyone to leave me alone. Just leave me alone!!
That was the condensed version of my thoughts and I am still very much considering speaking with the pastor about stepping down from the worship team but I don't want to be impulsive. I am worn and I don't want the anxiety, the loudness of my mind, to blare at me as soon as I'm done publishing this post. I don't have much energy tonight but I will muster what I can to remember what the Word says about me, to remember what I wrote just a couple of weeks ago: that despite my flaws (and doubts) Jesus still wants me.
Maybe today is just one of those days and tomorrow will be better.