Just snap out of it
If only it were that easy. If only I could. I try to ignore the fact that my mind is ill, that it doesn't feel as well as it should or as well as I tend to portray. I'm not supposed to have this type of problem, not me. How can I? No! It's a lie. It's just me being ridiculous, I need to just snap out of it. I need to pull myself together and stop making a big deal out of everything. Stop making things up. This can not be my reality. But the sudden and extreme mood fluctuations are real. The daily battle of whether or not I deserve nourishment is real. The sticky tar which I continuously have to fight is real. No! I just need to stop being so mopey. That's all. Think happy thoughts, think... happy... thoughts... why isn't it working?! I know! Just stop being such a worry wart, that's your problem. Easy fix. Just meditate on the Word, that's all. There, that's better. But the overwhelming anxiety is still suffocating me. No! I don't need to take meds to feel better, not mind meds. I can be fine without medication. But it's so hard to function. It's so hard to pry this goo out of me. It drains my energy to put on a brave face when anxiety makes me feel like a lost child in a mall.
But I'm okay on my own! I want to be okay! But I'm not okay and I'm so ashamed to admit that. I'm embarrassed to say that I need "mind meds" to help for my mood. But why? I'm not ashamed of my corrective lenses. I have no problem with the fact that I needed fillings for cavities as a teen. There is no embarrassment in taking cold medicine, or pain meds. Why is this different? Because of the stigma and because of my belief (which is really being shattered) that I must be perfect. That I have to be all right all the time. Growing up, I felt the need to be "the perfect one" but that just left me feeling dizzy. Mental illness has shown me that I am not "the perfect one" and in fact, never was. And that has me feeling dizzy, too. Hiding and ignoring my brokenness has me spinning out of control. I am very dizzy.
I have been struggling so much lately with the reality of my mental health. I have so much shame about it and I want to hide. I want to disappear. I want it to disappear. But just like a broken arm has to be set and then can begin to heal, so does the mind when it gets broken. Friends, this is hard for me to accept for myself. So very hard. (Feel free to pray about this.) My only salvation comes in remembering that Jesus loves me. That He wants me still. That I can never be separated from His love. I tell myself these Truths on days like today, when the embarrassment runs deep. When the shame hurts.
I am strong and capable. I am able. Jesus is with me.
And it's okay for me to take mind meds.
And it's okay for you too.