The Urge

 

To Purge

 

This is a messy one. And yes, I see the pun. Okay... Here we go.

A few nights ago, something happened to me which instantly disgusted me. I mean, I felt like throwing up big time. I recoiled and wanted to scrub my body with hot water to get rid of the horrible feeling. I felt gross. And I hated what had just happened. To some, it would seem like nothing at all, but under the circumstances, it was hell. And I felt such a need, a compulsion to purge. Not any old vomiting, either. A violent, forceful act of throwing up. I was so angry and filled with hate and I wanted to take back what had happened. But obviously I couldn't. I wanted that horrible feeling out of me. I was also incredibly angry at myself for allowing it to happen. Purging in that way would've freed me of the feelings and given me an outlet for the anger. I guess it would've served as a self punishment, too. Gosh.

*This is too symbolic. The way others may "eat their feelings", I purge mine when they become to much to handle. I restrict, which means restricting or limiting my emotions to a few, and when it's just too overwhelming, I starve, cutting every single one off. Wow.*

As we've learned, Ed is not always about weight and this explanation is a perfect example. Not once in those moments of disgust did I think about my weight or size. (I had gone shopping earlier that day and bought two swim suits in which I actually felt comfortable, so maybe that was a distraction sent to derail my recent found yay moment.) I just wanted the feelings out of me. I wanted the disgust off of me. I wrapped myself in my robe and just sat in the dark in my chair. And then I started judging myself, "Why are you acting like this? It wasn't that serious at all. You're being ridiculous, oh my gosh." I messaged a friend and explained what had just happened and shared my feelings with her and she assured me that the way I was feeling-- disgusted and angry-- (not the behavior I felt the need for) was perfectly fine.

For me, purging has rarely come with a weight oriented thought. I remember that when the urge to purge, specifically by vomiting, first started, I was going through a ridiculously tumultuous time and every emotion was on overdrive. All. The. Time. My instant thought one day when things were way out of control was that if I threw up, I would feel better. Isn't that crazy? It makes no sense. Why my mind went there I will never understand.

I would love to say that I didn't try the other night but I would be lying. Although I can say that I didn't do it by vomiting. There are different ways to purge and it isn't always throwing up so I guess it's both a win and a loss. I kept my food down but I still ended up being self destructive. But I can only move forward.