The Aftermath

Ugh.

I don't need this. This is too much. This is a horrible mistake. Why did I decide to do this? I should've just waited. This is what was going through my mind as I was at the store waiting on the woman behind the counter as she prepared my lunch-- which was my first "meal" of the day. Also, this was after work, around five pm. I was in the middle of lamenting to a friend via text and telling her how awful I felt for doing what people do everyday, getting food. "Stick with it", "it's a very good difficult decision", and "you need it" were among her responses. No! Why did I even do this?! NO!! "So should I get the donut or the sandwich?" I asked her, because of course, I can't have a sandwich and a donut in the same day. Absolutely not, the world will end. She said I should do the sandwich due to the fact that it would provide me with the most nutrition since my eating has been... below average lately.

No! But that sandwich is too much and I really want that donut. I wanted to cry, pathetic, I know. I receive my lunch from the woman and smile warmly as I go, begrudgingly, to pay for it. I should've just gotten the donut...
I finished the dreaded thing, swallowed every morsel of it without purging in any way. I numbed through it, which means I was somehow able to eat without tasting or being very present in the process. It's this thing my brain does to get me through the meal with as much normalcy as possible, also called "eating robotically". And now I'm in the aftermath. I wish I hadn't eaten it at all. I feel like I failed at... something. Starving?... Sure, I guess, yeah. I don't want it in me. I want to go to sleep tonight knowing I ate nothing all day... And I hate that. I hate (hate) that I feel this way because I know Someone Who cares about me is going to read this and probably be hurt over these confessions. And that hurts me. 

Why didn't I just get the stupid donut instead? At least I wouldn't still be craving the chocolate. I'll just go to Walmart and get cookies... And then feel like crap later. This is my current thought process and I feel like ripping out my hair. I want to scream and mimic the "loud" going on in my mind... [It's SO PAINFULLY LOUD, EAR PIERCINGLY LOUD]. I feel so embarrassed writing about this. Sharing any of this. I really just want to press the backspace button and erase all of these gross words and type up a story with sparkles and a pretty little bow. But this is real for me. This ugly, awful telling is real. Now if you will excuse me... my brain is still punishing me about the choices I made and this persistent craving for chocolate is making it hard to focus.