It's Just One Day
This is what I repeat
As Thanksgiving approaches, I'm confronted with difficult feelings. Some of the obvious ones concerning food and weight but also not so obvious ones. I'm remembering how I used to be able to eat and eat and eat and not get full. Jokes would be made that I had a black hole for a stomach and I was proud of that. I would eat seconds and thirds and fourths at times because I was either still hungry or just really enjoyed the food and wanted more. Purging (via exercise) has always been something I did even before the restricting started but I still enjoyed the food. Maybe a little too much... Sorry, I think that was Ed. Where was I?
Oh right... I was happy that I could eat so much without feeling full. When I was younger I thought, "I can eat as much as a guy", and I felt strong because of it. I wasn't some dainty little girl that could barely finish her meals. I'd finish mine and then some and I loved that about me. Now, looking back, I'm truly disgusted at how much I used to consume, especially when I can survive on so much less... Ed again??
Now, all I feel about myself back then is fat. Fat. I wasn't strong, not when I can now clearly survive on... Ugh. I didn't have plans for Thanksgiving this year because my family is back in PA, which is fine because I wasn't planning on feasting much anyway. But I've been invited to a dinner and of course, I accepted. I really would like to go but I'm worried. I can't eat normally there. I don't want to overeat and do nothing but gorge myself on carbs the whole night but I also don't want to stand out and eat little to nothing and have people question me. I don't want my eating to be noticed one way or the other. Even if no one does notice how little or how much I eat (which they most likely won't because it's a holiday not about me), the war will still rage on that night.
"Why did you get that? Put it back." "Throw it away." "Great, now you're being wasteful. You're so ungrateful and on Thanksgiving, no less." I feel panicky just typing this out. And I feel saddened. Before the restricting turned into this beast that it is today, I would only do it so that I'd have enough room for all of the extra plates I was going to get during whatever dinner or buffet I would be attending. Then, it turned into restricting because I couldn't eat as much as I'd want and still have a normal breakfast or lunch because that would just be too much food and would cause weight gain. Then it became the thing that it is today: you just simply don't need to eat.
I want to cry. This hurts in a different way than what I've felt before. I'm embarrassed at my former "eating self", I'm disgusted that I used to eat the way I had, I feel super embarrassed that I shared this, and I feel trapped as to how I'm supposed to behave "normally" in the midst of the abnormal which will be happening in my mind. Now let me stop some of you right there. I'm not being negative or thinking the worst. This is just very likely to happen considering where I am in my "journey" or "recovery" or whatever you want to call it.
Thanksgiving foods have always been among some of my favorites and I know I'm going to want seconds. And I don't want to want that. Perhaps I end up eating normally or even "Thanksgiving Normal" (the acceptable overeating), it will only be because I'll be promising to "make it up" later... Which I know, bad. Very bad. But that's just the truth at this point. I'm already thinking about different ways to purge so that at least briefly, both my mind and body will be happy-- my body because I nourished it and my mind because... Well, you know.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Pray about it? Lord, help me to eat normally? But then that means I will have overeaten or eaten "the wrong type of foods" and then will feel guilty and have to compensate. Even if I do eat normally, my "normally" has always been big meals or seconds and thirds. When my appetite is actually working and I'm listening to my body's demands, it really does take a lot to fill me-- or did. And I'm scared of that. Because my "normal" feels like a lot. I want to call in sick on Thanksgiving.
... I could always just robot through everything and all the meals and just completely zone out. Yeah. Because Thanksgiving is for ignoring your loved ones and those around you.
Or maybe I'll just go by my meal plan exchanges and stick strictly to that without wavering. No extras. Ugh. I don't know. I should not be having this much internal conflict, it's just one day.