So there are two types of numbness which have been present in my life. I'll classify them as E numbness and D numbness.
October 23, 2016
I have noticed along this journey of mine that the more I engage in behaviors of the ED variety, the more my emotional pain is numbed. Literally. The nightmares have stopped, the anxiety has gone down (though I've been on the verge of panic attacks lately when being present in actually eating), I feel "happier" in a way. I definitely feel lighter. Lightheaded. But not hungry. The pangs are vaguely there and I'm aware of the need to consume food based on the time of day but... My brain has stopped telling me to eat. My stomach barely puts up a fight and I feel totally fine. And that's where E numbness comes in. When my emotions are numb from my ed, I feel like I can participate better mentally in a way. It's as if all the negative emotions are out of focus. My focus is temporarily taken away from everything else and I can only see the task that is an ed.
But that's starkly different from D numbness-- numbness from depression. From what I've felt, depression is like having tunnel vision all the time. And muffled hearing. It is really scary and abnormal. The world and it's pleasures are what's out of focus and there is no getting into the normal groove of things. Not without near to impossible effort or God, and it's much harder without God.
And that brings me to the present. This past week, I have been feeling low in mood at night, I know the cause but it is still distressing. And even today, I feel very low. I'm moments away from heading in to work but why bother? I have no energy for dealing with kids today and I don't want to be around people. I would rather just lay in a dark room void of sound and light. I know this feeling will pass-- may be days later but I know it will-- it's just where I am right now and as embarrassed as I am about it, I need to express it.