Christianity as a Mask
First off, my goal for the rest of this year and into the new year for my blog is to publish at least one post every Sunday. I want to increase the traffic to this blog and I need to step up my post game. Also, I typically choose a picture to represent the topic of my post but being that Christmas is weeks away, every picture from here on out will only reflect Christmas and my obsession with it... And I'm okay with that.
Okay, so moving on... Christianity as a mask.
You know how some people dive into work to avoid problems in their lives? How they just become obsessed with work and ignore what's eating at them? That's what I did with Jesus. At the time when I was 17, which is when I feel these behaviors began to really morph into the abuser know as ED, I paid no mind to what my emotions were screaming at me (which I didn't even realize at the time) and only focused on my relationship with Jesus. This was NOT a good thing. To all my seasoned saints out there, please don't rebuke me. Developing a relationship with the King of Kings is the absolute greatest thing anyone could do for themselves, however, the way that I went about it was not entirely healthy, though some of the consequences seemed to be fruitful.
Similar to the way that some psychotic criminals quote scripture and use it to reinforce their actions is like what I was doing. Okay, well, that's extreme but do you get what I'm saying? They use God's Word to abuse and oppress, though it still remains true. And I used God and a deep desire to have a more intimate knowledge of Him to hide me from what I was feeling. To distract me from what was really going on in me. And in both instances, there was no light going forth. No freedom was extended because the use of God and His Word were not appropriate. I went so relentlessly into my Bible and into worship and prayer that I abandoned every "less than pleasant" emotion I felt. I only focused on all things Jesus until I was no longer aware of the awful that was brewing. This may sound like a good thing, a Godly thing even because Jesus comforts and heals us. But I wasn't being healed or comforted, I was being numbed. I ignored everything and didn't even let God in on what I felt. I'm okay.
And that's how Christianity was-- is to a degree-- one of my masks. **Side note: that's also why recovery is so freaking painful. I'm feeling and remembering everything that I covered with various methods, Jesus included.** For some, and I'm sure you've encountered them at some point, their immediate response to "how are you?" is one of praise to God: "The Lord is good" or "Blessed and highly favored" or "Too blessed to be stressed." Sometimes, not always but sometimes these responses and ones like them could indicate something deeper going on that one is not addressing and as a result, are just using getting to know God more as a smokescreen. Other times, I just find them obnoxious and annoying and I roll my eyes.
Even though you may have a genuine desire to know more of the Savior, ignoring your inner unrest is not the best plan. He wants us to bring it to Him so that He may give us the rest we feel is missing. But who am I to speak on such things? I'm still sitting in my pew, holding a palm shaped fan in front of my face to hide my tear smudged mascara. If you will excuse me, I've got to see Someone about this splinter caught in my eye.
Happy 21 days until Christmas!!
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