Safer Under the Covers
So here is my obligatory post about the conflicts of Christmastime and eating disorders. I am struggling to keep my focus on the Reason for the Season and am finding it to be so torturous engaging in the mealtime festivities. I have been able to engage in the meals but distracting myself afterwards is getting increasingly harder. The aftermath is rough. I have another Christmas party coming up and I don't know how much more I can take. It's as if we just had the Thanksgiving feast and now I'm going to all these Christmas ones. I'm feeling really tired and drained from these meals when I know I shouldn't. Ugh. I have been enjoying the company of those around whom I've been but I've still been very distracted.
It definitely helps to focus on the birth of Jesus and why we celebrate (if you're a Christian) but it's very hard to do with all this extra noise in my head. There were even very brief times this month where I felt a small desire to actually just enjoy some of the food but I felt that I couldn't. I shouldn't... I'll try to explain why.
When I was a child, I had the worst fear of the dark, it was definitely a phobia. I didn't get delivered from it until years later, when I was older and attending an Acquire the Fire event-- but that's a story for another day. Anyway, I was terrified of the dark and would sleep under the covers completely hidden. I would do this in the winter and in the summer and it was brutal in the summer. I remember getting so incredibly hot all huddled up under the blankets and as uncomfortable as I was, I would not take the blankets off. I was so afraid of the dark that even though I was drenched in sweat and often times really needed to use the bathroom, I remained under that blanket. It felt safer in that hot, uncomfortable place on my bed than outside of it, in the dark. I didn't want to be exposed to the blackness, I didn't want to be open to it. I wanted to remain covered up and hidden, protected, despite the cost.
I suppose that's a good way to explain what it's like having an ed, especially during the holidays. As hot and sweaty as I am now, I am nowhere near wanting to be exposed to the darkness. I want to remain hidden, rather I want what's inside to remain hidden. Thankfully, I was miraculously delivered from that awful phobia of the dark because I believe I would still be trapped if I hadn't been. Sometimes, that's what it takes, a miraculous deliverance from God to be freed from something that holds us captive. Sometimes it also takes being unbearably and uncomfortably hot and we decide that we can no longer tolerate the confines of our blanket and are willing to face the dark outside of the covers. And that's the hard part...
To all of my fellow ed fighters, whether you're dealing with a restrictive, bingeing, or purging ed or all three plus some, try and find one positive thing you can focus on and hold onto that during meal times. If you're a Christ follower, try to keep in mind that Christmas is about life-- and the most important life of all. We are celebrating Jesus' live and the fact that He came so that we may live an abundant life in Him. Let's also not forget that as we celebrate His life we can celebrate the one we live as well. And that includes family, friends, and... food. As hard as it is to accept, it's okay to find enjoyment in the life around you. Take pleasure in the festivities going on and be kind to others as well as yourself. You are not alone.
Happy I can't believe there are only 7 days left until Christmas!!
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