Out Of Order

  Tolerance doesn't mean what we claim There is so much uproar today in our country over the new president. I'm looking on my Facebook newsfeed and there is just so much violence and discord and division. It's awful. And when I think of what is causing the discord, it saddens me. Especially when I think of how relationships and friendships are ruined because of this. Differences . I am different from you and vice versa but that doesn't have to divide us. I have friends and family who voted for the now Commander-in-Chief but I didn't throw our relationship out the window. I will admit, it is hard for me to understand what they saw as being worthy of their vote but I don't want the connection we have established way before Trump ran for office to be dissolved. It can definitely pose a challenge to separate the conflicting beliefs of our loved ones from the way we feel towards them but it can be done. Is a difference worth a friendship? Is it worth a conne...

Emotional tug of war Another great Sunday message! Pastor Jurgen preached from Mark 10:46-52 about the account of Bartimaeus' encounter with Jesus. When Bart, we'll call him Bart for short, heard that Jesus was coming through to Jericho, he began to cry out for Him. You see, Bart was blind and on this day found himself sitting on the roadside begging. He had no doubt heard about all the wonders which Jesus had been doing and he wanted a miracle of his own. He was quieted by those around him as he tried to get the attention of the Savior, but he called all the more. He got Jesus' attention and was asked by Him, "What do you want me to do for you?" Pastor Jurgen explained that when Jesus asks us questions such as these, it isn't because He doesn't know the answer. He wants us to give the answer, He wants us to make our requests known to Him. And that's what Bart did, he told Him he wanted to see. And that's so important. Jesus knew that he ne...

  I've relapsed   My relapse-- wow, saying that feels so weird-- has been something that I've been trying to keep off of this blog for a while, especially during these past winter holidays. I just didn't want to discuss it anymore. If I'm being honest, I feel nowhere near as positive as that picture I took of my journal. I awakened this morning, after having suffered a very torturous night filled with thoughts of how huge I failed for eating salad, fruit, and pretzel twists, and consequently making myself do workouts in the bed, and felt this desire to give recovery a try. I felt, for the first time since being diagnosed with an ed, that I may be ready for recovery. I just felt so tired of the bs that comes along with it and realized that I actually miss eating certain foods.   I can't do it now, eat I mean. It's so beyond hard and on some days, impossible. It's the most taxing thing I have to do in a day and that's sad. Even though I don...

And I'm so done with it So for these past few days, I have been so out of it due to, yep, my good ole pal, PMDD. I was in bed all day yesterday and missed church, which is why I didn't post. I had panic attacks, which I didn't realize were panic attacks until today, I found it so hard to function and do things. I felt sick and was in so much pain all day yesterday and could not sleep restfully at all. I kept awakening with pain and just plain discomfort. I'm so tired of it. I even missed three (four including today) days of working on my book!! Gah!! I often wonder how I am really supposed to be a famous and successful author when this horrible monster interrupts way too much. How am I supposed to function in life and have a normal job and be a consistent worker when I may have to take days off to deal with the aforementioned beast? It's definitely frustrating but I am trusting God that what I'm going through can not hinder what He has for me . It is very...

Going strong Wow, I've been in California for six months. That's half a year! It doesn't feel like it's been that long, I've been so busy during this journey. I've been making plans and sticking to them. I have entered a new year self harm free for two months (thank You, Jesus!). I've resolved to increase my book writing and have been going past my original goal of a page a day-- I'm doing a page and a half! Setting that goal for myself has definitely helped to keep the fire burning and even when I have been frustrated, knowing I've written another full page and am closer to my goal is super encouraging. I've decided to make the most out of the time I have in a day and it is paying off. I realized that I missed my weekly Sunday post for this past Sunday so I'll touch a bit on the message. A man whom God uses in the gift of prophecy was delivering the message and what he continued to emphasize was for us to seize the moment in this new...

A story type account The date on which I compose this is December 8, 2016, 11:30ish pm. I'm not sure if I want to publish this in this month because I'm trying to keep everything lite and merry. But this is where my headspace is. I'm going to use my dialogue illustration to show how my night with "Ed" was earlier. This is our interaction as he met me after work. Don't get anything, you don't need anything. Don't ruin it. But I have to . I reasoned with a whine, the pain of considering feeding myself too much. No. You don't. Starve. But I can't . Yes you can. I shouldn't . I wanted to cry at this point. Yes you should and you have a legitimate reason to. You've been feeling sick all day. What about something lite ?   No. You're not even hungry. I'm really not, I don't even want anything . So don't. I sigh.   But I have to . It feels like a knife is being twisted in my mind. You're just going t...

Happy New Year!! So let's talk about resolutions... Now is the time when everyone is making tons of resolutions to improve their lives and be better versions of themselves. Some are quitting smoking and other addictions, while others are focusing on their diets and have resolved to drop a few pounds. What if we make some resolutions that have nothing to do with our bodies (unless you think you can make some to encourage being happy with yours)? The following resolutions of mine are not to suggest that I did a horrible job in these areas last year but there is always room for improvement, right? To pray for others more (specifically my co workers)- It dawned on me that I haven't spent anytime in prayer for my coworkers and being that I'm in their lives on a daily basis, that's not okay for me. This is a resolution I'm going to put into practice immediately. To go deeper in God- This one is obvious To increase my writing- I have set a writing goal of at lea...