A Huge Step Forward


It's happening...

So tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow, Wednesday 4th, 2017, at 9:30 am, I am admitting myself into a treatment center out here in good ol' California. Wow...
How am I feeling?

Excited. Numb. Detached. Motivated. Willing. Ready.

This still feels so surreal. I can't believe this is actually going to happen. And at my choosing. The first time I went into treatment, outwardly it appeared that it was for my ed but really my motives were far from recovering. I was in a deep depression and that on top of my ed was enough to get me admitted. This time... it's different. Don't get me wrong, the depression is still super bad but it's not my main reason for going. It is a big reason though, because I know that anorexia keeps me from feeling it so overwhelmingly and if I were to try and increase my intake on my own, unsupervised, I wouldn't trust myself to maintain my safety. And I know this because that's exactly what was happening when I did try to up the food intake. The depression returned (not that it left) with a vengeance and the only way to survive it was through eating disorder behaviors.

Funny...
The only way to keep depression from claiming my life was for me to let the ed claim it first. Twisted.

Even though I'm not necessarily excited about or thrilled over eating again, I at least feel like it'll be somewhat acceptable or doable because I'll "have to". It'll feel like "having permission", if that makes sense.

I do have concerns, though. I'm already having worries over how I'll be after all this treatment. If I'll be better. I mean, I know I'll be better in many regards but... will I be completely mentally healthy? Cured? Fixed? Will I be the way everyone may be expecting me to be? And how will I do while in treatment? What if it's not enough? What if I take too long to open up and "bare my soul"? Will I ever eat normally again? Sure, I can be trained to eat but will I ever eat the way normal people do? With enjoyment? With desire? Will my brain always be infected with an ed? Will it always be something I have to fight in order to properly care for myself? Ugh...

I'm doing it. I'm obsessing over something which hasn't even happened yet. I always say that I believe full recovery is possible. But now that it's me chasing that... it's different (?). I don't know. The only (and best) thing for me to do right now is continue to trust my God to lead and care for me. I know I'm making the right (and necessary) choice for myself right now and I'm going to see it through. So...

Here's to freedom and joy. Peace and self love. Here's to a new journey and a new life. And here's to everyone who has supported and pushed me in getting to this point. Thanks for not giving up on me. I love you all so much.

See you on the other side...

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