Recovery is Hard



Honesty

This one reads more like a journal entry. I wrote the following on my phone almost a month ago and it's still pretty true.

June 23, 2016
I still feel disgusting and disgusted with myself even though I'm eating more willingly now. It's coming from inside me, the disgust, and I can no longer project it onto my weight. Because I want my plumpness back, I have to eat a lot but at the same time I'm worried about getting too big and losing control due to what has always been my insatiable appetite. I hate this. And I feel self hatred.

And when I'm trying too hard to be perfect is when I feel the most insecure and worthless and unloved. The more perfection I display, the more likely it is that something is going on that is overwhelming. Or just simply being overlooked.

... Back to the Present
So that's how I was feeling and I'm still feeling some of that. But I'm also feeling confused about my eating and this whole process. I have no encouragement or anything and this isn't meant to be a sad post either. It's just an honest one on my journey through recovery.

Jesus still loves me... in the midst of my self hatred.

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