Out Of Order

Navigating through the labyrinth September 25th is a day that really sticks out for me this year. It was the first day of my treatment at the Renfrew residential facility in 2015. I spent a month there and walked away with... What did I walk away with? I feel as though I am supposed to have a plethora of feel good lessons I've learned along the way. After all, it's been a year. Well, I don't. I mean, I know how to exercise self care now and definitely make sure I'm getting it. My mood is a LOT more stable and the depression has gone waaaaaaay down. I've learned that it's okay for good things to happen to me and when they do, I enjoy the moment/s. I understand that I have boundaries and that I have a right (and responsibility) to use them. I know that I am deeply loved by my family and it's not something I doubt. But... I'm gathering my thoughts here because they seem to be scattered all around in my mind. They're hiding around up there and my s...

Dance Today I awakened feeling rather down and I really didn't want to get out of bed. But I have a responsibility (and joy!) of walking my neighbor's two dogs so I made myself get up. Animals are amazing. I don't know what God put in them but they have such a way of giving joy to a weary spirit. During the walk and after, I began to feel lighter. Once I got back home, I put on some music and just started dancing... I felt great! As I moved and swayed, I could feel joy coursing through me! I even started dancing in front of the mirror and observed how my body moved. I wasn't totally repulsed, I don't think I was repulsed at all. I wasn't! I liked seeing my curves move to the rhythm and it felt good. It felt good to be able to experience my body in a relaxing and care free way. And I felt happy for that moment. I really want to have a great day today and I want to feel good. Friends, maybe you are feeling a bit low in energy and just don't feel like e...

Suicide Prevention Month Today is the first day of Suicide Prevention Month. This is so important to me because it can be so easy to pass by someone who is hurting and not even notice their pain because they hide it so well. The picture of me above is from 2014 (if I recall correctly), Christmas time. Something that everyone knows about me is that I love Christmas and it is the happiest time for me. And that's what you'd get from looking at this picture. You'd see how I was very thorough in making sure that I was dressed in accordance with the holiday, even down to a jingle bell ring on my finger out of picture. What you wouldn't see is the evidence of the tears I shed moments after having taken the pic. You wouldn't see the gripping pain that accompanied me out of the bathroom and downstairs to where my mom and sis waited. And you wouldn't guess that I wanted nothing more than to be done with life. Nope, you'd see a happy, excited and ready-for-Christ...

Inner Dialogue This is another painful one. A post I've been avoiding writing for a few days because I'm kinda embarrassed and don't want to disappoint anyone. But according to my belief of sharing where I am in the moment, here I go... Ugh... this is difficult. Okay, so I'm going to write this how it comes to me. Try to keep up. What does recovery even mean and how do I know if I'm doing it right? What is the measure of recovery? Is it how much I'm eating or the types of foods I'm eating? Is it not going to the gym to work out even though I could easily do so? Is it eating a whole pizza for dinner by oneself and not doing any compensatory behaviors afterwards? Is it being a continual support to those around me fighting the same battle but considering myself-- at times-- "the exception to the rule". Which I know I'm not, by the way. Screw this! Screw recovery! I hate it and I still don't want to do it! I hate it so much... You ...

Ms. Angela To my mother,      You are the most influential person in my life, surely you must know that. From the moment I was born, you have loved and cared for me with the deepest and most raw passion I have ever experienced. You mean everything to me, you're my whole world. I thank God for you so much and I never want to experience life without you. You have taught me so much. Because of you, I know how to wait patiently on the Lord. I know how to be patient with people and show grace (though I'm still growing in that area). You've shown me how to live with integrity and zeal for Jesus not with your words, but with your actions, your lifestyle. You've shown me that it's okay to not have a perfect outward appearance and no matter how much I may struggle with that, I cherish it. You spend time with me and genuinely enjoy my company. I am out here living my dreams and making them reality everyday because you encourage me and believe in me... everyday. I...

Where Do I Begin? I am here... I am actually here!! I made it to California, the place where dreams come true!! So, as some of you know, I left Pennsylvania on July 9th 2016 with a dream, faith and God-given talent. It has been an adventure since. When I first got out here, I did a lot of hotel hopping. The rates seemed to go up every night. I was still looking for a live-in nanny position, as I had been before I left. This journey of mine has lead me to small hotels, a night on the street, weeks in a mansion, to where I am now. As I write this, I sit at a wicker table on the deck of a woman with whom I share an adorable apartment. There is a beautiful view in front of me and the sun beams warmly on my skin. I love this. I was born for this state and the serenity here is amazing. I have met very cool people and an amazing family took me in and helped me to get back on my feet, they are the ones with the mansion. I was their live-in housekeeper/organizer. I got close to them and...