Delving in

It's late and I have a nice amount of energy. I tend to think a lot during times like this. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I have realized a few things. Sometimes, I hate the way I'm able to be so insightful in understanding some of the different behaviors I exhibit. Ignorance would make it much easier to continue to do them.

Thinking back to a very specific time in my life when there was so much discord between my mom and sis, I realized what a lot of my coping mechanisms were for. Eating became something I was literally afraid to do because my thinking was that if there was an impending argument or any tension at home and I had eaten, the stress would go right through me-- diarrhea. So I would either be too depressed to eat or I would be afraid that I'd feel anxiety in physical symptoms-- "the runs" or an urge to "throw up my feelings"-- so I decided not eating was best. As has been stated all throughout this blog, my ed behaviors were not always strictly weight related. Sometimes, weight was not even a priority but an after thought.

I made a list for myself to pinpoint what behaviors served what purpose and it's really helpful to see what my mind was/is doing in response to certain situations that felt unbearable. When these symptoms first manifested:

Behaviors in relation to weight control
  • Restricting/not eating- 100%
  • Exercise- 100%
  • Vomiting- 0%
  • Laxatives- 100%
Behaviors in relation to emotional control
  • Restricting/not eating- 0%
  • Exercise- 0%
  • Vomiting- 100%
  • Laxatives-0%
Symptoms as they morphed over the years to now:

Relation to weight control
  • Restricting/not eating- 80%
  • Exercise- 50%
  • Vomiting- 10%
  • Laxatives- 100%
Relation to emotional control
  • Restricting/not eating- 20%
  • Exercise- 50%
  • Vomiting- 90%
  • Laxatives- 0%
I'm not really writing this for anyone else but these facts are important for me to express and know. It could prove to be beneficial in your own journey to consider what behaviors helped alleviate what distress in your life. Who knows, maybe I'm obsessing and ruminating but I think it is important that I'm aware of which symptoms served which purposes. Or still do. I don't try making myself sick every night after dinner like I did for months and months and months in 2014. I haven't acted on any self harm urges, as I mentioned previously, and plan to keep it that way. This feels like an exercise they would have us do in Renfrew in one of the groups. Okay, well my eyes are droopy and my back hurts from sitting against the wall for so long. Good night, all.


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