I was texting a beautiful friend this morning and at one point in our conversation, she told me she just didn't want to live anymore. She shared that she feels like this all the time, just in different degrees. Another beautiful friend of mine has also shared with me that her depression makes her feel the same way. I remember feeling this exact same way last year and years prior. It is so rough feeling this, every single day. And so I cried this morning. I wept for my friends and because of what they're going through right now. I want to cry now even as I type this because... It hurts so much. The pain of awakening everyday with a desire to no longer exist is so deep and radiating.
November 19 is Suicide Loss Survivor's Day where the loved ones of those who have died by suicide can find support and empathy among those who can relate. My heart hurts so much because I came too close to being one of those loss survivors and I came close to making my family some of those loss survivors.
I always try to be a beacon of hope and lift the spirits of the weary but I'm feeling just as down. I'm not feeling sick with depression as in times pass, not by a long shot. I'm just broken for my friends who are sick with it right now. How can I help them? What words can I say? When I was that sick, I couldn't see straight, so to speak and nothing others said really helped. I felt so hopeless and tired and was just ready to be done with life and this was as a Christian. I'm not meaning to imply that Jesus is not enough or anything of the sort... Being sick is just hard, whether it's physical or mental. And awakening everyday just to fight to be well or function throughout the day is exhausting. Who wants to live just to fight to live? It wears away at the mind and spirit and makes everything harder.
My friends who are tired and weary with life, I'm hurting for you and I'm sorry this is your fight. I do not have the words to help make things better but I can offer my empathy and support. As I stated above, were it not for God's support of me during the darkest and scariest time of my life, it's probable my loved ones would be recognizing this day as a loss survivor. Repeating what I told my friend this morning and what I've said throughout this blog, if there is anything in you that can find a reason to hold on and keep going, please do. Please continue to fight and reach out to any supports you have. In the event that you have none, reach out to Jesus because He is able to save you, just as He saved me. If you feel strong enough to keep going, please keep going.
If you're a fellow follower of Jesus and you feel that even He is not enough to keep your desire to live anymore, I'm sorry. I was there. All I can tell you is that if there is any fight left in you, cling to it and reach out if you feel yourself slipping. When I was struggling the hardest with depression and I wanted to kill myself and took measures to do it, it was not because I wasn't trusting in God enough or because I didn't love Jesus enough. To explain it simply, I was just so sick and I was tired and weary of fighting everyday. But God didn't let me go and I believe He will not let you go.
If you've suffered the loss of a loved one due to suicide, I can only imagine the anguish. Take advantage of any support you come across today and always reach out for it. I am doing the best thing I can do when I feel helpless on the behalf of others, I am praying. Praying for you for strength to continue to fight. To continue to survive. And hopefully, someday, thrive.