Happy California Day to Me
One whole year
I made it. A whole year in California all by my lonesome. Of course, I wasn't alone, the Lord was with me the whole time. One year ago today, I embarked on an incredible journey of faith and fearlessness to the state of which I've always dreamed. God's wisdom lead me and His favor went before me and made a way for me (and still continues to do so). I write this post from my new housemate's home. I moved in with the best friend of my former house mom on July 1st and celebrated my first California fourth of July! Looking back over the past year, I can see how blessed I have been. How much God has done for me out of His faithfulness and provision. I'm sitting here in my housemate's backyard by their pool as the sun sets and takes the colors of the day with it, and I am so thankful to be where I am.
... I want to end this post at "... so thankful to be where I am." but I can't, though I am. This is the first I've written in a couple of months because these past few months have been incredibly rough. June was a hard month to navigate through and there were times when I wanted to just "let go of the bar". I really struggled with suicidal ideation and although I made no attempts, I was suicidal. I know I shouldn't feel this way, that I should be overjoyed that I'm in my dream home. I know all that. I don't know how to explain what is going on (maybe because I don't really know what's going on) but I am not unaware of the goodness around me.
Around me. Around me. Maybe I just feel that things are happening around me and it's hard to feel them and be present in them. And I don't know how to explain that. I don't know how to rationalize that. In May, when it was really bad and the depression was thick, I wrote in my phone what would've been a blog post entitled "Reasons to Stay". I didn't publish it because... I don't know. Part of me didn't want to be that open in the moment and reveal that I was looking for reasons to not end things. Another part of me just felt that it would've been useless to do so. I also just didn't have the energy. One of my "reasons" was that my mother was coming in June. My mother being down here was the best time I've had in California the whole year I've been here. Truth be told, while anticipating her arrival kept me holding on, I was consumed with anxiety the week leading up to her coming down here. And I can't explain that, either. I should've been on "cloud nine" and super excited. Instead, I was so anxious that I could barely eat, I lost some weight (that I gained back), I couldn't sleep. It was awful. And again, I don't know why I was that anxious. Even after we were together, I was still anxious and uptight and it was hard to fully experience "us together" at times.
This was also the time where I was needing to find a new place to stay, as the days were getting closer to when my housemates and I needed to move out. So maybe that added to things. Anyway, that's what's been going on these past few months. I didn't want to write about this because I don't want to bring anyone down or seem as if I'm looking for pity or even sympathy. I don't want to spark any worry in others with these words, this is just how things have been. So how are things now...
Like I said, I realize that I have been so incredibly blessed. My living conditions could not be better and I truly am so thankful for where I am. God continues to unfold His promise in Jeremiah 29:11 to me and I am so grateful for that. The reality of what I've been feeling does not take away from that in any way. The Lord has been with me through every difficulty and through every grip of depression; He has never left my side. I truly appreciate all that I have.
And I'm still holding onto the bar.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Sovereign Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."