It's Been A While

And it's been dark...

Cutting straight to the chase, I've been in a horrible, horrible place. Suicidal thoughts have been running rampant, the depression has filled me and taken over my insides again, I've been incredibly detached and have dissociated to a degree the more the depression grows, and as far as my ed is concerned, it's been incredibly hard to fight. I've been sucked into it to the point that no number is low enough, food seems impossible to eat, I've made it a pound away to my lowest weight (though it still doesn't look like it to me but I can tell from the way my clothes fit), and I've come to the realization that if I don't get professional help, I'm going to die. Either slowly from the ed. Or quickly from the depression. And honestly, I feel the depression would be more likely.

The ed has become such a strong obsession and the behaviors have become so compulsory that I just can't stop... not on my own. I feel like an addict because even though I know this, I still want to go work out-- right now. I want to place my lap top down and do some sit ups (probably because I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable/anxious (?)/saddened about this). I need my fix. My drug.

I've even gone back to the self harm and scared myself by doing it in a place which I promised to never do. I'm spiraling.
...
Having stated all this, I'll be going to that ed facility (Montecatini) that I wanted to go to last year. My insurance is now one which they accept and I've been given the tentative date of tomorrow (Monday) or Tuesday as long as everything continues to work in my favor as far as insurance is concerned (and the Lord has been showing me such incredible favor since coming to Cali that I'm not worried). With this on the horizon, I feel safer with myself, knowing that I won't try anything permanently harmful. The depression has been so bad, guys. Okay, here's some good news...

I've been so blessed to have the support of my martial arts community and even with my immediate supervisor at work! I'm overwhelmed with how cared for they've all made me feel. And I'm so glad that I opened up to them. They're definitely going to be a huge motivation during treatment and recovery outside of treatment. In spite of how obsessed I have become with my ed, how much I still want it, I am very motivated to recover. I know that I'll probably never want to be without it but I've accepted that I have to or there's only one alternative. I have this anxious anticipation and want to be in the center now. You could say I'm impatient. Anyway, I just wanted to make this update.

I'm sorry I have no encouraging words.
I'm just tired. Empty.