Freedom

Literally never tasted this good

Wow, I have never been in a better place in my life...

So I've been out of treatment since early February and since then, things have been really interesting. Long story short, money for insurance was what ended my treatment. It was an abrupt finish and since I was no longer going to be in treatment, I could no longer be housed by the facility. I had no idea where I was going to live or what I was going to do. One thing, well two things, I could be certain of was that the Lord would provide for me and that ed behaviors could not be an option to cope. Don't misunderstand, I was stressed and fighting worry. I hadn't dealt with this type of unknown without using ed behaviors so this upset caused by one of my greatest fears (being evicted/kicked out/sudden relocation) was crushing. It was foreign, as last time I was homeless, I was heavily in the ed. I did not realize just how much anorexia kept me from feeling overwhelmed and unsafe until this time around.

I ended up sleeping in my car (for only two nights) but the distress was overwhelming. Flashbacks, which I hadn't experienced since the beginning of January, returned and I felt so, SO unsafe. I just felt unprotected and I realized that's when the flashbacks are most prevalent. I was able to stay with a friend I met at the beginning of the year until I found a more permanent room. Even though this brief instance of homelessness was nowhere near as long as it was in 2016, and even though I had the support of an outpatient therapist, it was one of the most uncomfortable, unsafe, unpleasant situations I've been in. Being in that situation this time reminded me of past "homeless" situations and other times when I was in unsafe environments. I felt unprotected and exposed and I was incredibly on guard. I felt those familiar PTSD symptoms of being super vigilant. And I hated it. I just wanted to rest.

And that brings me to the present. To my place of Rest. 

In case I haven't made it clear in previous posts, I'm convinced that my God is absolutely amazing. His provision for me during this whole transition was on time and perfect. Everything I needed was already in place and I just seemed to walk right into blessing after blessing, provision after provision. Things unfolded before me perfectly and the exact way that I needed them to. Today I'm writing from my new room in my new housemates' place. I'm in a safe neighborhood staying in a large home and I feel at rest. I have peace. I awaken happy... guys, I'm. Happy. I still have things I need to address in therapy and there are days (like today) when ed thoughts and urges arise but... I'm actually happy. I have things going for me, plans I'm making, and goals that I've accomplished.

I have never been in a better place in my life and I know things are only going to get better. I've never had this freedom with food that I do now. I eat what I want when I want and I don't compensate afterwards (or before). And I don't feel guilty for eating... how is that even possible??
God, guys. I would not have been able to reach this level of food freedom, body acceptance, lack of weight preoccupation, happiness, empowerment, strength, determination (so much more) without The Lord's involvement in my life and recovery. I think I had one slip with self harm earlier this year but other than that, I've been self harm free, with few urges! The PMDD symptoms have grown less in severity and have become easier to manage (and I've been off my medication for a bit), I haven't had ANY, repeat, AAAANNNYYYY suicidal ideation or desires, and that sticky, black, tar called depression hasn't harassed me in a while. I can breathe, you guys. I can breathe.

And you can as well. This same freedom is available for you just as it is for me. Whatever you're dealing with, whatever you're going through, invite Jesus into it. Invite Him in to deliver you, call on His name, because according to the Bible, you'll be saved. Whether you're dealing with an addiction, mental illness, eating disorder, homelessness, an abusive situation/environment, sexual confusion, brokenness, body dysmorphia, just feeling stuck in life, whatever it is, reach out to the Lord God and let Him in your world. Believe that things can get better and that God is able to mend what's wounded in you and your life. Like I said, there are still things I'm working on, but I'm free.

And if I can get free, you can get free. Don't give up.


** These are pics of the yummy, delicious foods I've been enjoying in my freedom that are a huge achievement (and they're not salads or just fruit, although if those are foods you truly enjoy outside of your disorder, then good for you! I enjoy them still but I've eaten enough when I was sick to last me a lifetime. Bring me bread-like carbs and sweets!!).

  This was one of the first times (if not the first time) that I'd had Lucky Charms in years.

 These were made in treatment during the best holiday ever! And they were freaking delicious!

 On a date during a midnight snack run lol

 I promise you, there is hot chocolate somewhere under that cream

 Delicious brunch at a friend's

 This is what happens when I rushed to Program while trying to eat dinner (while parking). I bought more Chipotle after.

 This is bread pudding. I missed bread pudding.

 And this is me, living in my freedom! It's possible, friends.

 

Live Life. FearLess.