Out Of Order

It’s about the journey to the belt” This was in response to me asking my TSD instructor last Wednesday about skipping a belt for my next test. He explained that he doesn’t skip people through ranks because it’s not just about the belt. It’s amazing how much I learn from my training and classes and how my TSD experience parallels my recovery journey. I have a tendency to demand perfection of myself— working on doing it less, though. That means that if something is possible, then it needs to be possible for me and I must achieve   it. And all I needed to see in my training manual was that it’s possible to skip ranks from 9th gup and go straight to 7th gup if one was an exceptional enough student. Well, that became a new goal, briefly. I needed to be exceptional. I needed to go straight from 9th to 7th; just hurry up and get there. Thankfully, that’s not something my sah bum nim (instructor) does because it definitely could’ve changed my motivation for Tang Soo Do. Of course, being

  Sometimes, our choices control our outcome ... There is a scripture in the Bible that reads, "seek peace and pursue it"** and it is one of my absolute favorites. Ever since I was a child, I've struggled with worry, fear, or anxiety in some form. Peace has always been something I've longed for and sought. I remember asking my mom for scriptures to help ease my troubled and anxious mind**. I would study and meditate on these continuously, desperate for some relief from the OCD thoughts, the worry, the separation anxiety. Today, I still very much rely on the Word of God for peace but I realized, I have to also take action and pursue the peace. I can't meditate on these verses then go right back to the fear. I have to do something else. Something that gets my mind off of the fear... and I’ve learned that’s one function the ed served for me (and still tries to serve if I completely let it). If I’m obsessing over how many calories I have left to eat for the day

Literally never tasted this good Wow, I have never been in a better place in my life... So I've been out of treatment since early February and since then, things have been really interesting. Long story short, money for insurance was what ended my treatment. It was an abrupt finish and since I was no longer going to be in treatment, I could no longer be housed by the facility. I had no idea where I was going to live or what I was going to do. One thing, well two things, I could be certain of was that the Lord would provide for me and that ed behaviors could not be an option to cope. Don't misunderstand, I was stressed and fighting worry. I hadn't dealt with this type of unknown without using ed behaviors so this upset caused by one of my greatest fears (being evicted/kicked out/sudden relocation) was crushing. It was foreign, as last time I was homeless, I was heavily in the ed. I did not realize just how much anorexia kept me from feeling overwhelmed and unsafe unt

And goodbye... Wow, another new year. We made it, everyone; we're here in 2018! This is such a significant year for me. So my birthday was just a few days ago and it was my Golden Birthday; I turned 27 on the 27th! I celebrated with people who care about me, I laughed, I ate what I wanted, I had fun. And I did all this while still in treatment. Thankfully, I was in PHP for a month so I had freedom to do what I wanted. I'm on my way to stepping down to IOP, too! I decided to start my 2018 (which I will now call my Golden Year) on my Golden Birthday. That meant I was buying gold everything since gold is my color of the year and most importantly, I was determined to give up the things that harm me; anorexia and all it's symptoms, negative thought patterns and core beliefs, self harm... Yes, self harm... again . I say that with a sigh and a roll of my eyes because of how I've made that statement in the past. But you know what, it's a new year. I can start over and

It's happening... So tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow, Wednesday 4th, 2017, at 9:30 am, I am admitting myself into a treatment center out here in good ol' California. Wow... How am I feeling? Excited. Numb. Detached. Motivated. Willing. Ready. This still feels so surreal. I can't believe this is actually going to happen. And at my choosing. The first time I went into treatment, outwardly it appeared that it was for my ed but really my motives were far from recovering. I was in a deep depression and that on top of my ed was enough to get me admitted. This time... it's different. Don't get me wrong, the depression is still super bad but it's not my main reason for going. It is a big reason though, because I know that anorexia keeps me from feeling it so overwhelmingly and if I were to try and increase my intake on my own, unsupervised, I wouldn't trust myself to maintain my safety. And I know this because that's exactly what was happening w

Going our separate ways You're going to miss me. He said as I was packing to go to that shelter. I stayed silent and placed my clothes in my bags. You know you are. I sighed. He got closer to me. You don't think you're going to miss me? Yes! I mean... you can't act like it didn't happen. What are you talking about? The other day, when you showed up to my test. That's what I'm talking about. Woah, calm down. I always come to your martial arts classes. I rolled my eyes at how insensitive he was being. Yes, but this wasn't just a class. It was my test! And I almost missed it because of you. I could've failed! You came and distracted me and pulled me out in front of everyone. I was so embarrassed. And then you dragged me in the back and... you really hurt me. And if it hadn't been for the other members who saw what happened, I wouldn't have been able to finish. Listen, I'm sorry, okay? He tried to soothe. I moved away. No you&