Out Of Order

God is love It's late and I have so much energy and I haven't written in a couple of weeks and really want to encourage someone. I'm not sure who this may be for but I feel it's for someone. Tonight, I was at the connect group my house mates host and I was talking with a new friend I made there. She was sharing her story and mentioned how she realized that God was patiently waiting for her to step out and trust Him in an endeavor. Part of what she said really struck me. She said God was patiently waiting for her. God is so patient with us, guys. And that's so beautiful to me. I know I have spoken on how sometimes God will move only after we've taken that step of faith forward and I was reminded of this fact through my friend's words. The Lord is so patient with us. He knows where we are going and what He has destined for us yet He is not in a rush for us to get there. Sometimes, we are the ones in a rush and we tackle too many things at once and get b...

One last NEDAW original poem I know I'm a few days late but I wanted to post this poem to end off Neda awareness week. I really hope this captures the frustration, competition, desperation, and misery that comes along with an ED. There is nothing fun about being ill with one and while weight should not be the focal point of an ED, this poem speaks on weight insecurities. For me, this is what having an ED feels like, this is what it feels like being the weight I am now and saying I "have an ED". EDs are not fun or something one does because they have or lack self control. They aren't something you try for a while then change your mind about. They are complex mental disorders and they wreak havoc and create/maintain chaos in our lives while promising to ease it. And many of us who have them know this, yet we are unable to stop... without help of some sort. If you find that you relate to any of these poems, please reach out and get help. Recovery is real and possibl...

The cost of living here I hope this poem gives a bit more insight as to what having an ed actually feels like. Of course, this is just my perspective and you may not even find you relate. But if you do at all, please reach out and get help. NEDA  is a really good place to start if you're unsure or scared of what getting help looks like. Even though I'm still struggling with my own ed, reaching out was one of the best things I've ever done and I would not hesitate in doing it all over if I had to. Getting help is scary and uncomfortable but it's harder to live with an ed with no Support . You deserve the peace that treatment or therapy or counseling can provide. You aren't alone. Strange New World Pt. 2 1-27-2017 The currency here is... Strange. You want to buy something to eat, a turkey sandwich, perhaps? That'll cost you five hours of your sanity and peace. Chips with that? Ooo, you don't have enough to cover the cost. Unless, of course... You ...

 Caution yourselves This poem has calorie and number talk but no mention of weight. Please read at your own risk and if you are struggling, please reach out to someone you trust. Sites such as NEDA  have great information and offer lots of support for those suffering  and I would encourage you to check them out if you or a loved one are struggling. Feedback is always appreciated. Strange New World Pt. 1 1-9-2017 Food stops looking appealing. It is no longer a juicy burger and fries but a series of numbers. 1000. 200. 15. It's no longer, "how much food did I eat" but "what were their numbers" Because I can eat a couple slices of 40 cal multigrain bread and some applesauce pouches at 50 cals each. But place in front of me a warm skillet with veggies and eggs and I'll turn it away because of the 340 calorie content. But they're both "safe" right? One is more nutritional than the other. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't mat...

More than meets the eye I wrote this in 2015 to express how having an ed isn't easily explained as a vain pursuit for thinness or simply having food issues. While physical manifestations may point to these things, eating disorders are about so, SO much more than what our bodies show (or don't show). If you are struggling with an eating disorder or you think you or someone you know may be, please get some help. There shouldn't be any shame attributed to taking care of your mental health but unfortunately, there is. Hopefully my blog and posts such as these can encourage you to take care of yourself and seek help despite the stigma surrounding doing so. The NEDA website is a great place start if you need resources. You were created with freedom  in mind and an ed is contrary to that freedom. Please choose recovery. Iceberg 6-27-2015 It's not just all about weight Or appearance Or even food It's about anxiety Control, fear, misery, worthlessness Hatred...

Another NEDAW poem Please reach out and get  help if you or someone you know is struggling with an ed. They are insidious mental disorders but can be overcome. NEDA's website offers a lot of resources for how to go about getting treatment as well as offers a lot information on what eds are and are not. I hope my original poem can offer insight on them as well. Enjoy and let me know what you think! It 6-17-2015 That creeping voice inside my head Angry, so angry Winding and twisting itself tightly around my mind like a vine Or a vice Barking at me over and over, a little more Starve a little more Exercise a little more It is never enough Never satisfied So I think, "A little more won't hurt" "I'm not that thin anyway" It  chimes in, You're not sick enough They don't believe you And it's true Who would believe me I'm too big It  is right Just a little more here and there Not too much Just enough to make a diffe...

Easier said than done An eating disorder is often viewed under the context of an abusive relationship, especially on my own blog. Here is an original poem I wrote to communicate that. If you can relate at all, please don't hesitate to seek help for yourself. The NEDA website  is a great first step and at any weight, you deserve the life saving intervention that treatment can provide. Even if it's just reaching out to  Someone Who loves you , don't stay silent. Recovery is possible. Leave comments and enjoy! Leave Him 2-23-2015 We all got seduced by the same abuser, Sly Mr. Stockholm, Suave and cunning. But he made us think we were the only ones That we were all alone He called us names like "worthless" and "failure" He would subject us to such pain and convince us it was for our benefit And we believed him He strung us along on barbed wire and when we'd cry out from the pain, he'd demean us and make us feel weak For being human...

NEDAW poem This is another original poem I wrote back in April 2015. With it, I hope to shed some light into the mental aspect of an ed, as we often hear a lot about the food, weight and physical aspects. If you're struggling with an ed or know someone who is, please reach out for  help or encourage them to get help. Whether it's Binge eating disorder, Bulimia, OSFED, Anorexia, or any other eating struggle, you need to get help. No one needs to struggle alone. As is mentioned on the NEDA website,  it's time to talk about it . Enjoy and as always, feedback is encouraged!  Asylum 04-18-2015 What is asylum? Wanting freedom. Being desperate. Painfully desperate for it. And admiring the chains that bind you. Rusty, heavy chains that bite into your flesh. Tear at your skin and puncture your wrists. " They're so strong, so sturdy ", you say dreamily. Each movement tightens their grip, your enslavement. But you don't mind so much. You've gr...

  My contribution to NEDA week I have skipped a few weeks of writing because I have been lacking serious motivation and have just been feeling an overall sense of "sucky". February 26-March 4 is the national eating disorder awareness week and I had originally planned on writing a few posts based on what an ed feels like and how the illness affects the loved ones of those with it in honor of it but like I said, no motivation. Tonight though, I was able to muster up some energy and decided to just post a few new original poems-- one for everyday of NEDAW-- depicting the chaos that an eating disorder can create. If you or a loved one are struggling with an eating disorder or think you may be, please reach out for help-- the NEDA website  is a great place for resources and help. Please know that eds are not a "lifestyle" or diet or lack of self control or will power. Please also know that you don't have to stay sick and that while you didn't choose to get...