Out Of Order

... I looked up online a shelter for abused women. I applied for it and immediately felt fear. What was I doing? How could I do this? Leave Ed, my... "best friend"? But I felt a drive and compulsion to stick with it. Hey. I  jumped at the sound of his presence. Hi. What are you doing? What was I doing? Nothing. Uh, nothing. You're making a mistake, you know? What are you talking about? We both know what you're doing. It's not like I'm leaving tonight or anything. So you are planning on leaving, then? Why was I the one feeling bad? No, I just... I don't know. I sighed. That's okay, I already told you you could leave. I'm not stopping you. It just sucks what's going to happen. What do you mean "what's going to happen"? Look at you, you haven't reached your goal. What do you think is going to happen when you start listening to her again? Oh God . Oh God. Oh God. No, don't panic. He's wrong, don't...

Despite the fear of moving forward Let me start with honesty. Depression. It sucks and it's been creeping back over me and despite how much I've tried to ignore it, I can't. I've been lax with writing here lately because not only have I not had motivation, I've had no energy. I had no encouraging things to say. The last post about self care took a lot but thankfully, the words came together. And now I'm here, trying to mentally prepare ( read: mentally avoid ) for what is likely to be at least a six month stay in another treatment facility. What am I thinking? I have begun the daunting task of  seriously looking for an ed center and it seems that I will be admitted into a place called Mercy Multiplied very soon-- I have a phone intake session tomorrow morning so yeah. Needless to say, I'm very freaked out . Scared . Terrified. Yeah, that's it. I'm terrified. And it's not the idea of treatment that terrifies me. I was nervous about treatment ...

Freaking out about an unexpected decision What are you going to do when you have to leave? I'll find some way to deal with it. No you won't, I mean sure but not like the way I help you. ... But-- And you'll feel that word you hate. You know the word. Yes, I knew the word. I will never leave you feeling that way but without me, you'll feel it to your core.  But I still feel it now so... So can you imagine how much worse it'll be? Without me? I just... but... you're no good for me. I said that last part quietly and with doubt. We both know you don't believe that. Come on, don't let them get in your head. I'm already here, there's not enough room anyway. He snickered. I made a face. It was a joke. I'm not hurting you. He slyly questioned me, Have I ever really hurt you? You've never had a heart attack, have you? No. Your body still abides by its monthly rules, doesn't it? Well, yeah. For the most part. You've sti...

What is it Before I went to treatment, I never really practiced self care. It wasn't so much something that I hated doing, it just wasn't something I considered. When it was introduced to me in therapy, I had the hardest time putting it into practice. It was so foreign and felt strange. Do nice things for myself? Treat myself with care? What did that even mean? I am now much better at self care and usually like to make sure I get it everyday. But what is it? These are just a few things that equal my own self care: Watching one of my favorite tv shows, Impractical Jokers Getting some reading in (especially the Bible) Taking bubble baths while listening to classical music Napping when needed Watching some of my favorite Youtubers Coloring Yoga These are my go to self care expressions because I feel so at ease and calm and peaceful while doing these things. And that's what self care is about. Doing something that gives you peace and rest , something that does...

The morning after Originally written on April 3, 2017 I shouldn't have come to see you, this was a mistake. I said the next morning. What do you mean, the past three days were great? But I'm so exhausted. That's usually what happens when you have a good time. He said with a smirk. I was silent. You're not still thinking of leaving are you? I don't know. How else are you going to have such a great time? Where else are you going to get this high from? I can do other things. True. But it's not going to be anything like what we have together. I wish I could say that I responded with a snarky "that's the point" comment but I didn't. I just sat. And thought. If you really want to leave, I'll let you go. But at least let me give you this. I looked down at my wrist. What's this? It's a bracelet. A bracelet? It was connected by a chain of sorts to a similar looking "bracelet" around him. Um, okay. Well, I...

In three more months... I will have been in California for an entire year! I can't believe it and it feels like time is going by so quickly. So last month, I started going to a writing and critique group and it was great. I had been wanting to go to a group like that for a while but I didn't want to spend too much money since I'm saving for my own place. Well, the Lord, Who is just constantly watching over me, knew my desire to better my craft. I was at the library last month and saw a flyer for a writer's group in a location not too far from me. And it didn't cost too much... it was free! Obviously, I wasn't going to pass this opportunity up and last Monday was my first time attending. The feedback I got was great and it helped me so much with the writer's block I had been experiencing. I can't wait to go back and watch how my writing matures! If I can encourage anyone today, go do something new! Maybe it's a self care thing that you've n...