Out Of Order

Because we are not monsters So today I found out on Facebook that it's Bi-Polar awareness day. There is an obvious stigma that those with Bi-Polar depression are crazy or lunatics. I wanted to post something on Facebook in honor of today but I felt too... embarrassed with the thought of everyone I know learning of my mood disorder. But I decided to make a post anyway. It was nerve wracking but it really shouldn't be. People with this disorder are not monsters or sociopaths. Often times, some of the most creative people have this form of depression and one them was the late Vincent Van Goh. The picture above is so captivating that I wonder what type of mood he was in when he got the inspiration for it. It seems to capture what the disorder feels like. The inky blackness of the depression, the swirling pale yellows of mania/hypomania. It's brilliant. If you or a loved one are dealing with or think you may be dealing with Bi-Polar depression, plea...

Closer than ever before Ever In my Life So wow... Where do I begin? Throughout my journey, Jesus has been getting up close and personal with me in gentleness and tenderness. And this is the closest I have ever felt Him walk with me! I know that we are getting closer together and that my relationship with Him is growing in a way I've never experienced before. How to explain it... It is not I who am going after Him but He is coming after me. That's not to say that I am no longer desirous of Him or His presence or that I've stopped longing for Him. But He is... drawing near to me. I don't know how else to put it but that's what the Bible says. If we draw near to God, He will draw near to us . In my younger years of walking with Jesus, I spent my time studying the Word and praying and really building a foundation of fellowship with Him. And I was in hot pursuit. While I still am, something is different. He is the one pursuing me now. That's not to imply that...

A rough but necessary process Did you know that if a baby bird's egg is broken open for it by outsiders during the hatching process, the bird will not survive? I didn't know that but it totally makes sense why. The reason is because it would not have learned how to use its own strength and will not be strong enough to survive on the outside. It may seem harsh to leave a struggling baby bird alone but to "help" it would really only be killing it. (Hmm, I think a post on boundaries will be coming soon)... Who of us, back when we were learning to ride a bike, had our parents ride it for us? None of us. Of course, they helped us and taught us but they couldn't do the work for us. When we fell and scraped our knees and elbows, they helped us get up and back on the bikes. They made sure we were all right but they allowed us to fall again if it meant learning a new and useful and even fun skill. I think that's the season where I may be now. Hatching out of the e...

Just snap out of it If only it were that easy. If only I could. I try to ignore the fact that my mind is ill, that it doesn't feel as well as it should or as well as I tend to portray. I'm not supposed to have this type of problem, not me. How can I? No! It's a lie. It's just me being ridiculous, I need to just snap out of it. I need to pull myself together and stop making a big deal out of everything. Stop making things up. This  can not be my reality. But the sudden and extreme mood fluctuations are real . The daily battle of whether or not I deserve nourishment is real . The sticky  tar which I continuously have to fight is real . No! I just need to stop being so mopey. That's all. Think happy thoughts, think... happy... thoughts... why isn't it working?! I know! Just stop being such a worry wart, that's your problem. Easy fix. Just meditate on the Word, that's all. There, that's better. But the overwhelming anxiety is still suffocating m...

Why I need my eating disorder Yuck, I am disgusted at that. I literally want to go scrub my tongue or something. Ugh. The other day, I was asked if I want prayer for this struggle. I was honest and shook my head no. I was then asked if I want to get better. I responded with, "I don't wanna eat a whole bunch of food again." An easy cover up of the true reasons behind my "no".  As has been discussed throughout this blog, weight is not the only culprit. In fact, I wish it were. I truly wish that I had just been consumed with only my weight and that everything else in my life had been perfect. I wish that I had only wanted to lose a few pounds so I decided that skipping a few meals or purging would be an easy fix. I wish that's all that it ever was. But it wasn't and wishes are for fairy tales. Anorexia starves away emotions too difficult to deal with. Or perceived as too difficult too deal with. It keeps my head above water when the tides are eve...

  Jesus is alive Hallelujah! The best news I have ever heard! How Satan must have felt when he realized that what he meant for evil, God turned around for good. Jesus defeated death and the grave when He rose and because of that, we have victory. We have freedom! So often, we followers focus so much on the death of our Savior but we neglect His rising from the dead. And that is the most important thing, that is what differentiates our God, our King, from religion-- shout out to my mother. She's right, religions have their heroes and leaders but none have a Savior. None have a God Who not only died for them but rose again  and defeated death and hell. Oh death, where is your sting? Oh hell, where is your victory? Our God is alive and alive forever and He came so that we might also have life and have it more abundantly. But the only way to truly have life, spiritually speaking, is through Jesus. That is it. It is not a popular concept in today's society th...

Because this was the day when the greatest love was shown in the most sacrificial and tangible way Good Friday is celebrated by many in remembrance of Jesus' gruesome death and it's considered 'good' because without that death, there would have been an unmet penalty. And humanity would've been looked to for debt collection. Sin had entered the world way back when Lucifer fell from Heaven. And it entered humanity after Adam and Eve bit from that tree. Ever since then, sin has been running rampant. But God knew that sin would come and He knew it would bring with it a divide between the people He created and His holy self. So He lovingly left His home and entered ours. He took on our form and allowed Himself to be killed. No, not killed, murdered. No, destroyed . The Bible states that due to the atrocious whipping that Jesus endured, His body was destroyed beyond recognition.** Can you imagine that? Being beaten past being recognized? And what's more is that Je...

I have abused you and injured you And I'm so sorry. You deserve better... right? That's what they tell me. But the other voices say otherwise. But  His Voice says, You belong to Me . How can I do this to you? Day after day? Week after week? Have I no shame? Of course. Have I no desire to stop? No...? Yes...? Certainly if you were my child, you would have been delivered over to protective services by now. Oh, you were once... A h, Renfrew. And maybe you should be again. No! No one is going to take you away from me. I'm-- you're okay. You're fine. I would never treat another the way I have treated you, not someone for whom I cared... So that's it right there. I don't care for you. I don't care for you. But why not? I have watched your mind be tortured and in an effort to prevent further pain, I... I place you in the line of fire? What sense? You keep working for me even on days when I'm actively going against your signals. I don't de...

  To Purge   This is a messy one. And yes, I see the pun. Okay... Here we go. A few nights ago, something happened to me which instantly disgusted me. I mean, I felt like throwing up big time. I recoiled and wanted to scrub my body with hot water to get rid of the horrible feeling. I felt gross. And I hated what had just happened. To some, it would seem like nothing at all, but under the circumstances, it was hell. And I felt such a need, a compulsion to purge. Not any old vomiting, either. A violent, forceful act of throwing up. I was so angry and filled with hate and I wanted to take back what had happened. But obviously I couldn't. I wanted that horrible feeling out of me. I was also incredibly angry at myself for allowing it to happen. Purging in that way would've freed me of the feelings and given me an outlet for the anger. I guess it would've served as a self punishment, too. Gosh. *This is too symbolic. The way others may "eat their feelings", ...

By God I have found myself so enveloped by the goodness of God lately. He's just so good to me and His love is truly relentless. I do not have a story of some amazing thing that happened to me recently which inspired this post. God is just amazing and He doesn't always need to do something for me to recognize that. Sometimes He just overwhelms me with Himself and it's not because of anything I've done. It disrupts my anxiety and overpowers my mind. This is probably one of the shortest, if not the shortest, posts I've written. I just felt that this needed to be said. Because in the midst of my craziness, I can still be overwhelmed by God and it has nothing to do with me. I could scream because of His greatness. Gaaah!!  He is awesome.  

Please, just slow down Be quiet. That's what I want to tell my mind to do. It has been so loud lately, especially at night. I am wondering if it has anything to do with  PMDD or the fact that I've been off of the meds for a few months-- though, I have been feeling alright for the most part, until recently, that is-- or Ed, or all three. It was spinning tonight, my mind. It still would be too, if it weren't for my writing this post right now. Busyness, that helps to keep the spinning at a low. That and distraction. My main two distractions have been college prep and the apprenticeship with Elevation. But issues, not necessarily concerning those two things, have risen lately and I've been feeling so many ways. I feel the  tar again, resting in me as it has been for weeks now. Please no, please don't come back. I must stay productive. I've been bombarded for the latter part of my day about how incompetent I am and how unlovable I am.  How I am "not...

I am infected ** Possible trigger warning It feels like a virus inside of me. Despite the causes of it (which I will discuss in a later post titled: The virus That Started it All) and even when there is not an outstanding weight preoccupation or anorexic cognitions -- as a dear friend put it-- certain behaviors feel necessary. Like a must . A result of having been infected with Anorexia. Like when someone has a cold, it doesn't matter whether they caught it from someone else or their own actions led to it, the cold causes their body to react in certain ways. When I awaken, my first thought is not always that I have to lose weight or not gain, though it may be to restrict a meal or skip it altogether just because I have to. Because it feels right. Of course, the weight aspect will come into play but it may not always start things off. I may know that eating this one slice of bread will not make me get any bigger and yet, I can't eat it. Because that would be wrong. Now is ...

Simple prose It's an object used to weigh or measure. I guess I feel like I have been on this scale my whole life. Trying to measure my worth, trying to determine my weight and pull in life so that I may reduce it. The scale tells me everything I need to know. You could say my perfectionism is the scale or maybe it's my ed. Probably both, lot's of things I'm sure. Like my insecurities. Definitely those. The scale tells me how well I'm doing and that I could be doing better. It tells  you how well I'm doing and you think I should be doing better, too. It helps to keep me in line, in perfect order when everything else is out of it. Creates a nice, little suffocating world of rules and lists-- and I love lists. And I love numbers. But I hate math.. Hmm... Maybe I don't love numbers, I'm just obsessed with them. They calm me or enrage and depress me, depending on what they say. Numbers talk and sometimes I wish they'd just shut up! Whether I us...

The pain of goodbye Loss is something we have all experienced in some way, or will at some point. For some of us, a loss or losses was part of the trigger for our eds. It could have been in the form of a divorce or abandonment or death. Whatever the loss was, saying goodbye hurts. Especially when it's sudden. In February, two close friends of mine (I'll call them Jesse and Kelly) experienced great loss: the unexpected death of a loved one. My heart was and is very heavy for them. I want to make them feel better and take away the hurt. But I can't. I want to rewind time so that those things leading up to the tragic departures never happened. But time machines don't exist. As much as God has blessed me to weave words together, I have nothing I can really say to provide comfort. Not lasting comfort. But... there are Words which have always provided me with the balm I needed in times of deep anguish. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and rescues those who...