Out Of Order

Happy Birthday!! Wow, what can I say? You're nineteen... for real?? I can't believe it. I am so happy to be part of your life and to have you as a sister. You have grown so much in so many ways; spiritually, intellectually, mentally. I am so, so proud of the way you have matured and developed over the years. Do you have any idea how much you inspire me, sissie? Your ability to just be in life and enjoy the world around you is so amazing to me. The freedom you have as it pertains to your body and who you are is something that I envy but appreciate. I know you have your own concerns and struggles but when I look at you, you just epitomize "carefree". You posses such a happy spirit that is some how always able to make me laugh when I'm down. I love how stupid we are together and how much you get me. Your compassion for others knows no bounds and your heart, your heart is so pure and soft. Your ability to forgive others is remarkable and it's something that I

Numbness So there are two types of numbness which have been present in my life. I'll classify them as  E numbness and  D numbness . October 23, 2016 I have noticed along this journey of mine that the more I engage in behaviors of the ED variety, the more my emotional pain is numbed. Literally. The nightmares have stopped, the anxiety has gone down (though I've been on the verge of panic attacks lately when being present in actually eating), I feel "happier" in a way. I definitely feel lighter. Lightheaded. But not hungry. The pangs are vaguely there and I'm aware of the need to consume food based on the time of day but... My brain has stopped telling me to eat. My stomach barely puts up a fight and I feel totally fine. And that's where E numbness comes in. When my emotions are numb from my ed, I feel like I can participate better mentally in a way. It's as if all the negative emotions are out of focus. My focus is temporarily taken away from eve

I'm not talking about the holiday I try to maintain a thankful heart throughout the year and I work on maintaining an attitude of everday gratitude .  Being thankful, particularly to God, is declaring over the enemy the goodness of God and reminding myself of the goodness of God in my life. I'm thankful for so much and have been blessed with so much this year. Using my words to thank God keeps His kindness fresh in my mind so that on the days when it looks like nothing is going right, I can remind myself that, "Hey, remember this, God did this for you." "Remember that, God made a way." Be purposeful in meditating on all that you know that God has done for you. And express it. Talk about it, speak about it to others and especially yourself. I'm remembering the scripture which mentions how we overcome  by "... The word of our testimony." When things get tough, remind yourself of what God has done for you and thank Him for it. And don't w

Delving in It's late and I have a nice amount of energy. I tend to think a lot during times like this. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I have realized a few things. Sometimes, I hate the way I'm able to be so insightful in understanding some of the different behaviors I exhibit. Ignorance would make it much easier to continue to do them. Thinking back to a very specific time in my life when there was so much discord between my mom and sis, I realized what a lot of my coping mechanisms were for. Eating became something I was literally afraid to do because my thinking was that if there was an impending argument or any tension at home and I had eaten, the stress would go right through me-- diarrhea. So I would either be too depressed to eat or I would be afraid that I'd feel anxiety in physical symptoms-- "the runs" or an urge to "throw up my feelings"-- so I decided not eating was best. As has been stated all throughout this blog, my

Why wait till January 1st So I've been self harm free for a couple months now ( YES!! ) and I really want to keep it that way. I haven't intentionally cut myself in so long (again,  YES!! ) and have definitely had some moments where I could have. Some of my resisting may have a bit to do with an increase in other symptoms... but ... There is a big part of me that truly does not want to do that anymore. And that's what I want to focus on. I have decided to intentionally (continue to) not engage in any type of cutting behaviors for the remainder of this year. That is my resolution and I'm excited about it! I know a lot of times we will save our resolutions for the new year, I guess so we can get "one last taste" of whatever it is. But if you're really ready for and serious about change, why wait? Just go for it, put everything you have into it. Let's do this! I encourage you to consider something that you're really ready to give up and just r

This is what I repeat As Thanksgiving approaches, I'm confronted with difficult feelings. Some of the obvious ones concerning food and weight but also not so obvious ones. I'm remembering how I used to be able to eat and eat and eat and not get full. Jokes would be made that I had a black hole for a stomach and I was proud of that. I would eat seconds and thirds and fourths at times because I was either still hungry or just really enjoyed the food and wanted more. Purging (via exercise) has always been something I did even before the restricting started but I still enjoyed the food. Maybe a little too much. .. Sorry, I think that was Ed. Where was I?  Oh right... I was happy that I could eat so much without feeling full. When I was younger I thought, "I can eat as much as a guy", and I felt strong because of it. I wasn't some dainty little girl that could barely finish her meals. I'd finish mine and then some and I loved that about me. Now, looking back

The fight I was texting a beautiful friend this morning and at one point in our conversation, she told me she just didn't want to live anymore. She shared that she feels like this all the time, just in different degrees. Another beautiful friend of mine has also shared with me that her depression makes her feel the same way. I remember feeling this exact same way last year and years prior. It is so rough feeling this, every single day. And so I cried this morning. I wept for my friends and because of what they're going through right now. I want to cry now even as I type this because... It hurts so much. The pain of awakening everyday with a desire to no longer exist is so deep and radiating.  November 19 is Suicide Loss Survivor's Day where the loved ones of those who have died by suicide can find support and empathy among those who can relate. My heart hurts so much because I came too close to being one of those loss survivors and I came close to making my family s

Sun stand still What does the word 'faith' mean to you? As a Christian, faith is placing my entire belief and trust in Jesus the Christ, not just for salvation but for my life. For everything. **Faith is the substance of things not yet seen and is the evidence of things hoped for . Faith is what we hold onto even when our circumstances seem very contrary to those hopes. When I first decided to move to Cali, it was all based in faith that Jesus had plans for me out here. I had no idea where I'd be staying, had no reliable transportation of my own, no job set up. I just had faith. Faith and a boldness to go. California has always been my dream state and in July, I decided I would just go in faith despite all of the unknowns. Obviously, my personality is not one that is in favor of "unknowns" but this unknown was okay with me because I knew that Jesus knew. I left PA and moved to California unprepared and without knowing where my next step would lead. But,