Out Of Order

  What's your story You ever have those days where things just start off wrong? ... So today, I get up and I'm rushing because I stayed in my bed for a bit after my alarm, that I didn't set early enough anyway, went off. I was rushing to make my breakfast and at one point spilled all of my forks out of where I keep them in the cabinet and onto the floor. I also had to run back upstairs to grab something that I had forgotten just as I was about to walk out the door. Throughout all of this, I'm telling myself to relax and reminding myself not to give my peace away to the aggravation anger I was feeling. To be honest, I awakened quite upset/grumpy. I leave the house with breakfast in hand and get into the car. As I'm driving to my Tang Soo Do class, I begin to pray and ask the Lord for help with this anger that's just so heavy (I think that's the word). I kid you not, as I'm asking for peace and telling the Lord that I give the anger to Him, right as ...

It’s about the journey to the belt” This was in response to me asking my TSD instructor last Wednesday about skipping a belt for my next test. He explained that he doesn’t skip people through ranks because it’s not just about the belt. It’s amazing how much I learn from my training and classes and how my TSD experience parallels my recovery journey. I have a tendency to demand perfection of myself— working on doing it less, though. That means that if something is possible, then it needs to be possible for me and I must achieve   it. And all I needed to see in my training manual was that it’s possible to skip ranks from 9th gup and go straight to 7th gup if one was an exceptional enough student. Well, that became a new goal, briefly. I needed to be exceptional. I needed to go straight from 9th to 7th; just hurry up and get there. Thankfully, that’s not something my sah bum nim (instructor) does because it definitely could’ve changed my motivation for Tang Soo Do. Of cours...

  Sometimes, our choices control our outcome ... There is a scripture in the Bible that reads, "seek peace and pursue it"** and it is one of my absolute favorites. Ever since I was a child, I've struggled with worry, fear, or anxiety in some form. Peace has always been something I've longed for and sought. I remember asking my mom for scriptures to help ease my troubled and anxious mind**. I would study and meditate on these continuously, desperate for some relief from the OCD thoughts, the worry, the separation anxiety. Today, I still very much rely on the Word of God for peace but I realized, I have to also take action and pursue the peace. I can't meditate on these verses then go right back to the fear. I have to do something else. Something that gets my mind off of the fear... and I’ve learned that’s one function the ed served for me (and still tries to serve if I completely let it). If I’m obsessing over how many calories I have left to eat for the day...

Literally never tasted this good Wow, I have never been in a better place in my life... So I've been out of treatment since early February and since then, things have been really interesting. Long story short, money for insurance was what ended my treatment. It was an abrupt finish and since I was no longer going to be in treatment, I could no longer be housed by the facility. I had no idea where I was going to live or what I was going to do. One thing, well two things, I could be certain of was that the Lord would provide for me and that ed behaviors could not be an option to cope. Don't misunderstand, I was stressed and fighting worry. I hadn't dealt with this type of unknown without using ed behaviors so this upset caused by one of my greatest fears (being evicted/kicked out/sudden relocation) was crushing. It was foreign, as last time I was homeless, I was heavily in the ed. I did not realize just how much anorexia kept me from feeling overwhelmed and unsafe unt...

And goodbye... Wow, another new year. We made it, everyone; we're here in 2018! This is such a significant year for me. So my birthday was just a few days ago and it was my Golden Birthday; I turned 27 on the 27th! I celebrated with people who care about me, I laughed, I ate what I wanted, I had fun. And I did all this while still in treatment. Thankfully, I was in PHP for a month so I had freedom to do what I wanted. I'm on my way to stepping down to IOP, too! I decided to start my 2018 (which I will now call my Golden Year) on my Golden Birthday. That meant I was buying gold everything since gold is my color of the year and most importantly, I was determined to give up the things that harm me; anorexia and all it's symptoms, negative thought patterns and core beliefs, self harm... Yes, self harm... again . I say that with a sigh and a roll of my eyes because of how I've made that statement in the past. But you know what, it's a new year. I can start over...

It's happening... So tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow, Wednesday 4th, 2017, at 9:30 am, I am admitting myself into a treatment center out here in good ol' California. Wow... How am I feeling? Excited. Numb. Detached. Motivated. Willing. Ready. This still feels so surreal. I can't believe this is actually going to happen. And at my choosing. The first time I went into treatment, outwardly it appeared that it was for my ed but really my motives were far from recovering. I was in a deep depression and that on top of my ed was enough to get me admitted. This time... it's different. Don't get me wrong, the depression is still super bad but it's not my main reason for going. It is a big reason though, because I know that anorexia keeps me from feeling it so overwhelmingly and if I were to try and increase my intake on my own, unsupervised, I wouldn't trust myself to maintain my safety. And I know this because that's exactly what was happening w...

Going our separate ways You're going to miss me. He said as I was packing to go to that shelter. I stayed silent and placed my clothes in my bags. You know you are. I sighed. He got closer to me. You don't think you're going to miss me? Yes! I mean... you can't act like it didn't happen. What are you talking about? The other day, when you showed up to my test. That's what I'm talking about. Woah, calm down. I always come to your martial arts classes. I rolled my eyes at how insensitive he was being. Yes, but this wasn't just a class. It was my test! And I almost missed it because of you. I could've failed! You came and distracted me and pulled me out in front of everyone. I was so embarrassed. And then you dragged me in the back and... you really hurt me. And if it hadn't been for the other members who saw what happened, I wouldn't have been able to finish. Listen, I'm sorry, okay? He tried to soothe. I moved away. No you...

And it's been dark... Cutting straight to the chase, I've been in a horrible, horrible place. Suicidal thoughts have been running rampant, the depression has filled me and taken over my insides again, I've been incredibly detached and have dissociated to a degree the more the depression grows, and as far as my ed is concerned, it's been incredibly hard to fight. I've been sucked into it to the point that no number is low enough, food seems impossible to eat, I've made it a pound away to my lowest weight (though it still doesn't look like it to me but I can tell from the way my clothes fit), and I've come to the realization that if I don't get professional help, I'm going to die. Either slowly from the ed. Or quickly from the depression. And honestly, I feel the depression would be more likely. The ed has become such a strong obsession and the behaviors have become so compulsory that I just can't stop... not on my own. I feel like an ad...

One whole year I made it. A whole year in California all by my lonesome. Of course, I wasn't alone, the Lord was with me the whole time. One year ago today, I embarked on an incredible journey of faith and fearlessness to the state of which I've always dreamed. God's wisdom lead me and His favor went before me and made a way for me (and still continues to do so). I write this post from my new housemate's home. I moved in with the best friend of my former house mom on July 1st and celebrated my first California fourth of July! Looking back over the past year, I can see how blessed I have been. How much God has done for me out of His faithfulness and provision. I'm sitting here in my housemate's backyard by their pool as the sun sets and takes the colors of the day with it, and I am so thankful to be where I am. ... I want to end this post at "... so thankful to be where I am." but I can't, though I am. This is the first I've written in a ...

What? This is a spoken word piece I wrote on the first of this month after learning of the death of yet another young man with brown skin at the hands of the police. The following words come from a place of hurt and frustration and anger for the late child's family and friends and for all those who look like me and have dealt with this type of killing. It is heart wrenching and devastating that these types of murders are still taking place. My first thought after reading about Jordan Edwards, the boy who was murdered by a police officer, was, "Not again." When will it end? You know what I find ironic and twisted? The fact that, according to this news article , Jordan got shot after he and his brothers were leaving a party because they heard gun shots. Wow. Lighten Up May 1, 2017 What will it take for me to be safe? What will it take for me to no longer be a threat in your eyes? Shall I bite my tongue at your command? Make my palms open and plain ...

May 3, 2017 An original poem inspired by a typically difficult eating experience that I got through with the much appreciated help of friends. I did something without you today Well, you were still there, I guess, in a way But maybe the hunger helped silence your voice Helped silence the demands you disguised as my choice And I don't mean hunger for food or for drink But something much deeper than what one would think Something like  freedom to pick and to choose To settle on something without your abuse But I know you're still there, lurking around Waiting for all of this soon to go down For now though, the voice of support's in my ear Cheering me on and fighting the fear "You'll regret it" , you say And I know this is true But today, at least, I did something without you Will it happen again? That I don't know Do I even want it to? Only time will show

I'm Rayven This is an original piece I wrote on January 23, 2017. Enjoy. Don't use my ethnicity as a means to divide but use it as a means to understand where I'm from and what makes me different. I do see color and we should all see differences. To say we don't see color is weird and implies that differences are not good. It's okay to see me as a person who has brown skin, as long as you don't treat me badly because of it. It's okay and appropriate to notice that my skin's tone is different than yours, we learned how to distinguish colors in kindergarten. Just don't treat me with a lack of respect because of it. Don't let it divide us into a group of colors like we're a bunch of crayons. We aren't. I'm Rayven and I have so much to offer. I am kind and honest, I am creative and love to laugh. I love to inspire and encourage others. I can sing and write. I am worth more than the melanin of my skin. A brown crayon can only add c...

What's good I was talking to my "house mom" tonight and she let me know she had been concerned about me lately. She noticed my demeanor and how it's been down recently and offered great advice. She told me to "take off the garment of heaviness for the garment of praise". But how does one do that? Spending time in the Lord's presence definitely helps and the Word of God tells us that He inhabits the praises of His people. In addition to resting in the Lord, she suggested I make a list of some things that He has already done for me. It's a practice of mine to remind myself of God's previous goodness in my life during times when I may be struggling and even though I'm not really struggling to believe in God's faithfulness right now, I still think it would be helpful to do. The Bible tells us to think on those things that are good and lovely and true and just. What equals that more than the demonstrations of God's goodness in our liv...

... I looked up online a shelter for abused women. I applied for it and immediately felt fear. What was I doing? How could I do this? Leave Ed, my... "best friend"? But I felt a drive and compulsion to stick with it. Hey. I  jumped at the sound of his presence. Hi. What are you doing? What was I doing? Nothing. Uh, nothing. You're making a mistake, you know? What are you talking about? We both know what you're doing. It's not like I'm leaving tonight or anything. So you are planning on leaving, then? Why was I the one feeling bad? No, I just... I don't know. I sighed. That's okay, I already told you you could leave. I'm not stopping you. It just sucks what's going to happen. What do you mean "what's going to happen"? Look at you, you haven't reached your goal. What do you think is going to happen when you start listening to her again? Oh God . Oh God. Oh God. No, don't panic. He's wrong, don't...

Despite the fear of moving forward Let me start with honesty. Depression. It sucks and it's been creeping back over me and despite how much I've tried to ignore it, I can't. I've been lax with writing here lately because not only have I not had motivation, I've had no energy. I had no encouraging things to say. The last post about self care took a lot but thankfully, the words came together. And now I'm here, trying to mentally prepare ( read: mentally avoid ) for what is likely to be at least a six month stay in another treatment facility. What am I thinking? I have begun the daunting task of  seriously looking for an ed center and it seems that I will be admitted into a place called Mercy Multiplied very soon-- I have a phone intake session tomorrow morning so yeah. Needless to say, I'm very freaked out . Scared . Terrified. Yeah, that's it. I'm terrified. And it's not the idea of treatment that terrifies me. I was nervous about treatment ...

Freaking out about an unexpected decision What are you going to do when you have to leave? I'll find some way to deal with it. No you won't, I mean sure but not like the way I help you. ... But-- And you'll feel that word you hate. You know the word. Yes, I knew the word. I will never leave you feeling that way but without me, you'll feel it to your core.  But I still feel it now so... So can you imagine how much worse it'll be? Without me? I just... but... you're no good for me. I said that last part quietly and with doubt. We both know you don't believe that. Come on, don't let them get in your head. I'm already here, there's not enough room anyway. He snickered. I made a face. It was a joke. I'm not hurting you. He slyly questioned me, Have I ever really hurt you? You've never had a heart attack, have you? No. Your body still abides by its monthly rules, doesn't it? Well, yeah. For the most part. You've sti...

What is it Before I went to treatment, I never really practiced self care. It wasn't so much something that I hated doing, it just wasn't something I considered. When it was introduced to me in therapy, I had the hardest time putting it into practice. It was so foreign and felt strange. Do nice things for myself? Treat myself with care? What did that even mean? I am now much better at self care and usually like to make sure I get it everyday. But what is it? These are just a few things that equal my own self care: Watching one of my favorite tv shows, Impractical Jokers Getting some reading in (especially the Bible) Taking bubble baths while listening to classical music Napping when needed Watching some of my favorite Youtubers Coloring Yoga These are my go to self care expressions because I feel so at ease and calm and peaceful while doing these things. And that's what self care is about. Doing something that gives you peace and rest , something that does...